Guess we're not all gonna die any more? But honestly I was kinda looking forward to being flooded with Monsters, it makes it easier than going out into the Wastes to find more Monsters. I wish there were City-Monsters I could catch: now that'd be cool… I'd endorse any Network that would give me that!
Bastion: A History is being read by EVERYONE. Here, the Artist Formerly Known as [BAD STAR] (but whom most of us are calling OUR SAVIOUR) (or Prime Executive???) has published an astonishingly hefty, incredibly thrilling non fiction novel about the stories of Seasons past! She suggests that there have been Seasons prior to this one - in fact, a total plethora of them! Turns out every time things got messed up - via like, financial shenanigans, escaped Monsters and whatnot - the Network came in and reset it.
Shock, horror, right???
Also, I totally ship Pulsar/Magnet.
Anyway, that's not all! After leaving her SACRED FANFIC with us, [] was seen walking out of Bastion and into the Wilderness. As in, she just… walked. And kept walking.
I walked with her for a bit. But then she kept on going.
… I don't think she's coming back, folks.
Like so many of our beloved Trainers and big Bastion personalities, Nectar has been found dead, and in an alley.
And Mesh is dead? Must be Yarn, then. Shame that they didn't enter the Gladiator battle before they could get rid of our favourite gossip-worthy therapist and guest of THE ULTIMATE SHOW.
We'll miss you, and we're sure Decibel and all the production team will too. Our thoughts go out to Nectar's family, and we hope that their Monsters have found a kind and caring home xxx
What a downfall. From super exciting upcoming Rules Lawyer who introduced the 10,000th Amendment, to disgraced plucky-underdog-gone-corporate, to accomplice thrown into the spotlight by Mesh, to dead. We at SSMAS are super sad to hear that Yarn shot Mesh - we thought his head just did that! - and we didn't even see any pistol in their hand when they did it. Scary.
Well, Dark Steel ended a dramatic story, if a nasty one.
Honestly, was the writer of the above column not even LISTENING?? Yarn is a HERO. Yarn sacrificed themselves so that Monsters wouldn't have to suffer from - well, from people like them!
People like us.
Huh.
I guess their point was we're all just perpetuating a cycle of cruelty and injustice whilst allowing the most immoral to run rampant by dint of their charisma?
Or, I mean, something like that.
… Huh.
Thistle, Trainer of famed Heavyweight Monster Thorn and one half of Shards Falling, purchased the naming rights for the South Stands at the last Conference. SSMAS is super excited to reveal that the new name for the South Stands is…. drum roll everyone…
“If Love's A Curse, I Don't Want The Spell To Be Lifted”
With a subtitle of:
“–How's that for a romantic gesture, Crabgrass?–”
For short, “Love's Curse Stands”.
Thanks to the efforts of Maximum Taste and Decibel, the Arena was kept going - even in light of catastrophic Archeotech failures, then having that Archeotech fixed (Dashboard: you are such a hero!!!), then being told to turn it back off again! Decibel gave an incredibly touching speech about Narrative, and how we all need to band together and keep being awesome - meanwhile, Max provided some much-needed management and catering! I am soooooo pleased we managed to keep things together; it was a bit touch and go for a little while…
This week's Munch-a-Monster opening was met with utter disaster when what looked to be deliciously-cooked starters turned out to give every single guest food poisoning! Yeesh. Some people are saying it was sabotage, but I reckon that's just to hide the fact that Treasury is a REALLY bad cook. Stick to Monster House, is my advice! They've got that cute Monster Housemates thing going. Love the Doughbandit!!!
In what can only be described as CLEARLY YARN'S EVIL GHOST TEAMING UP WITH MESH'S EVIL GHOST TO POSSESS STRIKE, we witnessed the greatest action of Monster-related-fashion-cruelty in the Arena as STRIKE. GET THIS. BEHEADED. VICTORY VIPER.
Yep.
Beheaded.
Clean through the neck. Now two pieces of snake.
I can't. I just can't.
That's. That's every Champion-Monster pair from last year now suffering a horrifying murder: The Professor; Cinder AND Volcanosaurus; Thunderzilla AND Tackle; Block; Toxtor; Canon; Bulwark; and finally Victory Viper.
Whichever SICK person planned this: FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU OFF THE RECORD I'M GONNA BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN.
This one's even better than the last <3 <3 <3
(Also, we hear they fixed the hot tubs in the Competitors' Village. Good work - can't wait to jump in <3 <3 <3 now just need to find a Trainer to let me in…)
Trend's exhibition at the Museum of Failure made it clear: the Network is totally not to blame for any recent failures! Like, yknow, the Brikquid thing.
I mean, sure - I buy it! Trend is super great, after all. And so inspirational!
… Not sure if {ASTER DIS} does, though.
… You heard me. Southpaw killed MORE MONSTERS than ANYONE ELSE during the defence of Bastion and I FOR ONE won't stand by and hear “Oooh the rules say it's during the chaaaampionship that it matters” - BULLSHIT. SOUTHPAW is amazing and Southpaw DESERVES to be in the final for what she did. Hands down, the most AWESOME fighting - also by the way don't you think she should team up with Disco Crab - ANYWAY, SOUTHPAW is a fucking FORCE OF NATURE and i know for one she could take ANY of the other SO-CALLED Champions ANY DAY. She's the REAL Gladiator Champion, not like that Poser-Monster Omega.
Did you see Maximus vs Black Diamond and Maximus vs KREEPIEKUBE? It was using a gun! A gun! What was Gintrap even thinking?!?!
Heartwarming! Morose and Steeple - business partners, duelling showman - reunited! This reporter just melted when they embraced. And what a fight! We finally got the Rollerpedes vs TENT showdown we've been hoping for and it blew us all away! I for one hope that we see more of both of these partners in Season 37 - BEETLE CIRCUS FOR THE WIN!
In the shambles that was Team Slime vs Beetle Circus - over 40 people needed medical attention! - the Love's Curse Stands were the only ones that were untouched! Also, Xenon doesn't work on Blue Lagoon - does the Xenon even WORK anymore, because Blue Lagoon is super cuddly right?!
Your Worst Nightmare was thrown into the east stands this round by MonoChrome, and the Big Top in THE TENT vs Rollerpedes fell on all the stands equally. (We admit that Pepper did some nasty bloodthirsty damage up in the Love's Curse stands, but really, this is a super statistical improvement.)
Seventeen people have been confirmed dead in the Love's Curse stand rampage during which beloved Fan Favourite Monster Pepper went on a bloodthirsty rage-driven assault through the audience of THE TENT vs Pepper. Simple fabric and flesh was no match for her razor sharp claws, and hundreds were injured during the mass evacuation that followed.
Not cursed my ass.
Folks, we are doing SO well. With some incredible additions to the cast!!! Gaahhh, I love it.
(I hear they're selling tickets by the South Stands Love's Curse Stands)
Like with [], formerly known as [BAD STAR], the infamous hybrid, revealed as such in the heartstopping speech by Vice Exec Diamond a couple of months ago, has left the city. After a valiant and impressive stand against the Monsters besieging our city, Gnosis apparently decided that it had had enough of us - or us of it. Witnesses on the walls at the time report Gnosis stalking purposefully and calmly into the Wastelands, without looking back.
Look, I like seeing GIANT MONSTERS smashing into the Arena wall as much as anyone else but with TREND'S AMENDMENT (or Atrendment) the walls just AREN'T gonna take it, you know? We're gonna have to change the rules and keep those things safe. I got sick and tired of repairing them after every fight! Is this what hard labour feels like?!
In an awesome surprise turn of events, Pepper has evolved back into looking like her previous form! Saffron now looks her unique self again. What will happen next, we wonder? Will Pepper evolve back again?!
Following Omega's shameful non-appearance at her fight vs Slime Kitty (seriously though Bright, we have Monster cuteness envy), a figure resembling the murderous Ultimate Survivor runner-up was spotted flying while holding another figure high above Bastion. Report any kidnappings to our office for a special investigation!
I can't believe it's not Brikquid!!!!
Actually, I totally can: it is caffeine and brick-free, and I am loving it! I thought it'd be really hard to go without my daily brick fix, but it turns out that Max Taste's substitute is delicious.
