Wow. The editor wants to comment, but is having trouble putting that into words…
Diamond speaking from the commentator's box. The apparent truth about Gnosis… The Network experiments - but why would the Vice Executive tell the people of Bastion that?!
The crowds loved it and hated it. Do we want to kill Gnosis, make Gnosis fight every round, make more like Gnosis? We had to sprint to get out of the fights that started breaking out.
Look, this editor thinks this is all a bit over our head at the moment, and things like this just split our dear readers, soooo we're gonna let you fine folks figure out your own thoughts and feelings about the Network revelations, and bring you the distractions you probably need. Here's this week's hots, nots, and juicy gossip…
Look, I'm just going to say it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then you don't know.
But if you don't know, you're missing out.
…
(Okay, I want to be all aloof and mysterious about this, but OH MY STARS, PEOPLE, this is ACTUALLY HAPPENING! And it was a HUGE success, thanks to Thistle and Malbec and their flat-out INCREDIBLE rivalry! And Decibel's superhuman charisma! And Southpaw and her totally unexpected appearance! And the Network haven't even cottoned on yet, much less complained!)
(But, like. You didn't hear it from me.)
BLAZE paparazzi were particularly impressed with the crazy-speedy return of Ash Moon, Malbec, Dr Frost, and Salt & Wound. Giving the Nimrods a run for their money!
Hey, did you hear that the ringmaster of Beetle Circus was offering stuffed Rollerpedes or half-price snacks to customers presented a Wreckatar V Mechagraviton ticket? One of my friends got her hands on one of those plushies - it has little brown string antennae - I'm well jel. He still lost the fight, though! Lol!
There was another special circus show, too. It featured Dozer again - loooove those special appearances! The poor thing was being teased with candyfloss and rubber ducks, but every time it got close, THE TENT pounced in the way or dazzled it sooo well with those crazy kaleidoscope eyes that it failed! Literally inspired. I was one of those in the audience that got dazzled, too, haha - it was legit like being hypnotised!
I mean, I knew they were a sellout, but stars above. They were in on all of Mesh's crimes the whole time?? And they helped KILL all our BELOVED CHAMPIONS?
The Hedgehog vs The Nyoominator fight ended in The Hedgehog and the House Monster Echidna refusing to be parted. It took more than an hour to drag them out opposite ends of the Arena, and the screeching was redoubled.
BASILICA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
But also I mean
WOW that Ultimate Survivor match
But also noooooooooo
Whacked to death by Thorn
So sad
We at SSMAS would prefer to listen from the street megaphones than take tickets in the South Stands. Did you know that was where Dark Steel hit with his mega-awesome new weapon? That huge blast shattered the woodwork, even the famous Trainer Tatters was caught in the debris.
…Blade might snarl at us when we try to interview him, and is super mean to fans wanting his autograph, but we think these things have become just simply endearing now, especially since his Monster has proved himself to be one mean mofo again. That dark glaring duo is one to watch… Maybe even watch closely, if you get our meaning!
Well, I don't know about you, but I had a simply dreamy night at Monster House's Tasteful Night of Romance. Of course, how could I not, accompanied by the most handsome, generous and delightful man in Bastion!
That's right, people - you guessed it! The surprise guest couple was none other than Max… and ~ yours truly ~! Honestly, I couldn't be happier. The event was simply splendid - the food phenomenal, and the mood sublime.
It's inspiring to see how much Max loves this city; he has done such a huge amount for Bastion in such a short amount of time. Call me biased, but I say it's important that we're grateful - believe it or not, he's only human, and he's been working himself to the bone! Let's show him our appreciation, yeah?
Toodles!
~ Curlicue ~
Hey, did you see Thistle totally WRECK Max Taste at the Night of Romance? It was straight up savage. She turned up in costume, and complained about the way Max is, like, commodifying romance, through this hilarious piece of napkin performance art.
Plus, anyone catch Shards Falling's latest Doubles match? I mean, for one thing, you should have, because Cat Fight are ADORABLE. But, also, Thistle turned it into a legit anti-Max protest! SO FIERCE. TAKE THAT, MAX TASTE, YOU DESTROYER OF LOVE.
(But also, she got her Monster to, like, murder Basilica? Not sure how I feel about that one.)
After the amazing return of the stolen Monsters, there was an awesome party till late. Cheers, dancing, hot food, seeing the cuteness of Slime Kitty and Pepper up close, a display by the rescued Victory Viper… Don't we all love spontaneity! Maybe Krystalkorpion will finally turn up for its postponed fight now?
Oh. My. Gosh.
Okay, so first of all, I won't hear a bad word said about the new League Conference Host because as Decibel's latest talk show displayed, they're like, the definition of adorkable.
And then Strike and Omega (RIP OMEGA T_T) with their Monster House food challenge! And Strike turning into a WEREWOLF at the end and ATTACKING OMEGA and it was all so sudden and dramatic!
And then! And then, and then!
Whoa. I mean, did anyone else see this coming? Salt & Wound totally just exposed Ultimate Ventures LIVE in front of an audience! Apparently Ash Moon and Quake are both… murderers? Is that true? Are Salt & Wound just being sketchy and sinister? And if it's true, like, how do Salt & Wound even know that kind of thing??
What a ride. Seriously, Decibel knows how to entertain.
This one explains itself! If you missed the Ultimate Survivor Championship, get a friend to tell you right now, because that was beautiful.
This year is a year of record breaking! The 10,000th Amendment, the biggest Monster on record, and now really frequent attacks! No worries, though, that's why we've got the Walls. (Sympathy shout-out to those of you who had orchards and allotments outside, though.)
