Okay, wow, have you all seen that absolute TRAVESTY of an Official Fan Championship list? Puh-leeze! How do they just keep on getting it wrong?
Lucky for all of you, the REAL event of the season is coming up: that is to say, the SSMAS Mid-Season Fan House Championship! We've devised an alternate (and let's be honest here, more ACCURATE) Fan Favourite list - and those super special mega awesome enough to make the cut will be invited to join us at our ALTERNATE venue for a GROUP SUDDEN DEATH MATCH! Further details will be announced at the League Conference, but for now - here's the list!
1. Thistle (Thorn) (SOOOO COOOOOOOL)
2. Saffron (Pepper) (The NEW new Cinder???)
3. Mesh (Metrovore) (Ooooooh, controversial)
4. Malbec (MonoChrome) (Love those Monster socks)
5. Quake (Blue Lagoon) (Super chill choice)
6. Tatters (Omega) (Equal opportunities, nice)
7. Square Peg (Pork Scratchings) (Bahahahaha)
8. Khaos (Krystalkorpion) (SMASH)
9. Blanket (Hard as Nails) (Screw the haters!)
10. Thistle's half-finished bottle of Dr Petrol (Okay, seriously, who let that one get past the nomination committee??)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NONONONONONO
NOOOOO T_T
I can't believe this I'm going to run off and join a Wasteland tribe
What's even the point
What am I supposed to live for now they're both gone
At least they died pretty much at the same time???
…ohmyskiesishouldtotallywriteasoulmate!auficaboutthat
CHANGED MY MIND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE–STAY TUNED FOR BLOCKLE FIC!
Oh, shoutout to Arch btw. Cheers for the help bringing us all together, even if we couldn't save poor Tackle in the end. You're a good'un!
Controversial, I know, but I liked Team Doomstorm more when they hated each other. It's kinda nice to have a Double Team pair with that dynamic again! Let's hope Progress and Steeple keep this angsty, betrayal-filled ball rolling!
(Except let's hope they stick together long enough to do one more show because I bought tickets like a week ago.)
Alright, so we've all read that Khaos fic about the editor of Off The Record and the Prime Executive of the Network, right? The one where the Prime Executive ties them to the desk and… yeah. Anyway. I'm not going to recommend that fic, because only the most shameless and vulgar of Fans could possibly enjoy that fic, BUT. I will recommend Khaos's most recent work. Trust me, it's actually really sweet and PG. Check it out in Fangzine if you can; those chapters about Omega were HEARTBREAKING!
DID PEOPLE SEE [BAD STAR] COMING OUT OF THE SKY LIKE SOME KIND OF UBERPOWERED MAGICAL LIGHT-WINGED SAVIOUR AND AIM A BEAM COMPOSED OF PURE FANFIC STRAIGHT INTO METROVORE'S FACE???
BECAUSE I SAW IT
AND IT WAS EVERYTHING
Folks, it is official: [BAD STAR] is the Saviour of Bastion! She braved total annihilation in order to bring the power of FANFIC to bear on our enemies! She calmed the savage gaze of Metrovore in one fell, fanfic-ey swoop!
AND SHE IMMORTALISED KHAOS' PRIME EXECUTIVE FIC OH MY ACTUAL STARS
I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW
Welcome to new readers and old - it is so good to be speaking to you from the other side of the end of the world! And my what an end it was! I'm so proud of us - that is to say, of all of the people who showed Metrovore a thing or two, culturally speaking!
We kicked off the aesthetic celebrations with a bang, as Maximum Taste's fabulous End-of-the-World party opened up to the dulcet tones of Disco Crab. My can that man throw a party! I was dancing so hard I thought my heels would snap right off!
What followed was an awe-inspiring circus performance from the ever-dapper Morose Progress and Pennythrift Steeple - the TENT soared to height hitherto unimagined, to a backdrop of beautiful designs from the Rollerpedes. But then! Out of nowhere came the sound of exceptionally loud music! Southpaw, frontrunner of Leda Atomica opened with a musical extravagaza that set us all singing, dancing and punching our way through the fear of Metrovore's steely gaze.
Suddenly, in the wake of the sound and the screaming - out came Thistle, like a shadowy, stern-faced superstar! She delivered love poetry so moving and beautiful that I'm tearing up a little remembering it! If anyone sees her, could you ask if she's doing signed manuscripts?
Of course, the truly unforgettable moment of the night came from right smack in the middle of the Arena! [BAD STAR] courageously wielded a supercharged FANFIC LASER, beaming it directly into Metrovore's eyes (does it have eyes? someone confirm!) and stopping it in its tracks with the pure, unadulterated power of FANDOM! I was honoured for my own recent Nyoominator/Giant Block of Wood one-shot to be included in a light-encoded anthology of Bastion's greatest classics. Rumour has it that the Fanfic Beam was what convinced Metrovore to stand down! (Or, has it stood down? Things got a little chaotic after that.)
But that's not all! We had a super special ROMANTIC Money Pit show, in which Khaos and Tatters found love amidst the labyrinth! We had a fabulous book-signing hosted by Trend, in which he talked to us all about HISTORY and CULTURE and NARRATIVE! I, for one, could not be prouder of Bastion today. Let's hear it for the city that couldn't be stopped!!!
I'm sure you've all heard it but I think it's important to IMMORTALISE Thistle's ABSOLUTELY DARLING poem for Crabgrass that she SLAMMED into METROVORE in the most important place: SUPER SPECIAL MEGA AWESOME STUFF
I love you more than flies love putrid trash,
My dearest, precious, wilting stranglevine,
If love is poison ivy, you’re the rash,
I itch with adoration – so, be mine.
Beloved reeking cankerblossom, stay,
And stink within the ring of my embrace,
I’ll marry you on every single day,
And cherish your absurd, putrescent face.
My darling fungus, I would never try
To purge you from the garden where you lurk.
No herbicide could ever make you die,
Your roots are deep, so even that won’t work.
Thus, Crabgrass, may your weeds forever spawn
Upon my otherwise untainted lawn.
ISN'T IT THE SWEETEST? My bae won't write me poetry, Crabgrass is SO LUCKY??? I bet Thistle's getting FLOWERS every day, and every night, and every morning just like “who's at the door? FLOWER DELIVERY”
Their love literally defended the city. Literally their love saved the world. I literally cannot be more literal about this.
ANYWAY now that Blockle are out of the picture - rest in peace and all that - but DON'T YOU THINK CRABGRISTLE IS JUST THE NUMBER ONE SHIP OF THE SEASON???
Find me an ocean because I'm sailing this ship the whole way home!
We POLLED our Readers about that latest Money Pit show with the DATE and KHAOS and TATTERS and we have the RESULTS for you in this issue:
We're undecided here at SSMAS HQ, but we reckon maybe Money Pit is pushing too hard too fast - nothing gets staler faster than trying to spice up a format artificially, so maybe Money Pit needs to go back to its roots, don't you think?
I just wanted to remind everyone how FREAKING ADORABLE Shrapnel is!!!! Did you SEE HER in that Double Team fight against Thorn? SHE WAS RIDING LONGBOW. I mean yes, Longbow is still UUUUUGLY, but who cares about that when SHRAPNEL is sitting on top with her ENORMOUS EYES and her PERFECT BOW and ugggghhh I just want to hug her and squeeze her and eat her little face.
