In a hair-raising Ultimate Survivor Championship match, which kept everyone on the edge of their seat, the eventual Victor was DARK STEEL.
That's right, your Ultimate Survivor Champion is the metallic humanoid of blades and black featureless visage that we all love to boo: the Monster Trained by Blade. But not only did the sinister wielder of GIGASLASH unseat Toxtor, he also killed it. Fans and enthusiasts throughout Bastion have been left reeling at the changes.
Dark Steel was a strong contender, having increased in size and been honed by experience over the last few months, but there was serious money bet on Pepper and Toxtor. Pepper held up splendidly, showing real hope for her own League. Omega gave a good showing, but, like the earlier competitors Strike and Angler, showed that humanoid Monsters that were previously classified as humans simply cannot hold their own against our favourite bloodthirsty behemoths. And who could possibly stand up to Dark Steel's new moves, which showed the bookies up: the Shadowsteps, the gun (resembling the Meltinator) mounted on his arm, and the unforgettable entrance. Let's relive that moment again: Dark Steel, striding in, assuming the GIGASLASH charging pose, and doing this alongside seven other life-size, ferocious-looking Dark Steel models. It was a bold move simply guaranteed to confuse opponents… And astonish the crowd.
Which only leaves BLAZE to announce: The Ultimate Survivor Champion is dead! Long live the Ultimate Survivor Champion!
Guess what, everyone? You get to hear interviews from two VERY SPECIAL people this month: Suture and Saffron! Super cool two-syllable names beginning with S, coming right your way, with a healthy dose of fashion advice in the mix. It was so exciting to interview them, and it was so exciting for them to be interviewed by me. Wins all round! So, turn to Page 6 to read the interviews in full!
I have some reviews of some cray-ay-zee creative things this month, too! Like Todo List's new book. It's about a portal-using Monster, it's fast-paced, and it's about to run out of first edition hardback copies, so get it fast! I was at the book signing, of course, so sorry for you peeps who get the news late. I'm sure everyone got the news about Maximum Taste's Monster House Evening of Love, though. Utterly adorable. The decorations! The declarations! The double-date with Salt & Wound and Omega & Tatters! At least three people proposed, and the speech by Curlicue and Max Taste just made me melt as well as the melting chocolate melts melted in my mouth, huh that's poor phrasing can you actually do your job this time you sad fail of a penpusher. Thistle and Crabgrass got up to their usual antics, of course, causing a distraction and fuss. Gosh, you would've realised we're all sick of their public shenanigans, but they haven't! A shout-out before you embarrass yourselves any more, guys: we SUPER love you, but stop before it gets old. That's my advice to everyone ;)
Do you know who else should stop before it gets old? All this talk of Unions. We get it, Finance, Maintenance, every family always has their squabbles, even big ones like the Network! But at the end of the day, my friends, don't we all want the same thing: A real awesome show.
That's what we're all here for. Looking forward to you all waking up and pulling together again, yours, Tornado xxx
Following Mesh's insinuations towards the end of his public speeches ('trial'), many of you will have noticed the implications regarding Yarn. Was Mesh trying to get her to help him further? Spite? The truth, revealed in a mitigation attempt?
Two brave BLAZE reporters have investigated. We can EXCLUSIVELY reveal Yarn's double-faced act: she has been backing Mesh for a long time. From conspiring with him during Conferences, to supporting his death threats and concealing his wrongdoings, this 'underdog' 'lawywr' is someone whose services you don't want to engage.
The fundraiser for Sprite, with Bastion's most lovably snarky commentator at its head, is gathering momentum. The tombolas have popped up at many Arena entrances, and whilst some might say “Oh my days a tombola, what is this, a school fete?”, others have been donating generously. Ferrocious Ferra has done a stellar job here. Hopefully Sprite is getting ready to reclaim her life and livelihood following Slaymatron's death at the hands of the ice-hearted Omega. On the other hand, multiple witnesses claim that Sprite was excessively disappointed after a group of Trainers delivered a dozen missing Monsters to the Competitors' Village two nights ago. “The dismay of learning her first Monster, Please Don't Sue Me, had not been rescued was a cruel blow,” said one witness.
A stunning ensemble of big names have rescued missing Monsters from the hands of, according to various rumours, Wastelanders making off with the pride of Bastion, anarchists, or purveyors of Monster parts alternative medicine. The famed Champion Chaser and up-and-coming Trainer Saffron, alongside the well-known members of Ultimate Ventures and three quarters of Team Legit, returned triumphant to the Competitors' Village late at night. They were assisted by a companion named Arch, the Gladiator and Monster Angler, and our regular news-featuring Trainer/'Failner' Square Peg. Perhaps her OTT softheartedness has finally done something positive.
After the Monsters (including other Championship contenders Slime Kitty, Victory Viper, Krystalkorpion, and Gearbox) were returned, an impromptu street party broke out. Joyful dancing (led by Victory Viper) continued late into the night.
Finally, an official guideline for Monster care! Morose Progress (of Beetle Circus fame) has recently published a series of papers on the diagnosis and treatment of Monster health concerns, and the work put into that publication is astounding!
With easy-to-follow tips on the home treatment of Monster disease and injury, The Monster Health Guidebook: A review of past, present and future healthcare standards is a must-read for any aspiring Trainer!
A series of plaintiffs claiming medical damage from the consumption of Brikquid (chief among them Yarn and her Monster/Human Strike) have successfully won a suit against Brikquid. This case was largely won by Dr Frost, who gave a speech saying humans are “physiologically incapable of metabolising Brikquid”. Sounds scary. Brikquid has been essentially liquidated (Hmm. - Ed.) due to a potential 80,000R in damages.
On a side note, it has transpired that Yarn was responsible for feeding her own Monster Brikquid, about which SPAM are none too happy.
Tornado: Well, HELLO Suture, Trainer of Dozer and Bastion's pre-eminent Monster medic!
Suture: Hello. It's an honour to be talking to you.
Tornado: Haha, yes it is. So, on to the questions!
T: The circus show with the Rollerpedes jumping on Dozer's back was really something! How did that come about?
S: It was good to have multilayered entertainment, but really, Pennythrift was the creative drive behind that.
T: You've clearly been training Dozer. How has that been going? What's the carrot and what's the stick?
S: Quite well. He doesn't need much stick, actually. The carrot is carrots.
T: What does Dozer like?
S: He likes dozing in the sun, and apples. Not sleeping all the time, actually. He often just likes to relax.
T: How do you rate your chances?
S: Well, I think we've got a chance. May the best Monster win.
T: Any plans to get a second Monster?
S: Maybe. My other focus is healing Monsters, though - that takes a lot of my time.
Tornado: Of course! That's your vocation. :)
Suture: Yes, yes it is. :)
T: How do you rate your chances in the CHAMPIONSHIP?
S: Even this late on, it's so hard to tell who'll win, I'm just blown away by all the new cool abilities and tactics that monsters are showing. And hey, I came into this season completely unknown, now I'm giving an interview to the most influential magazine in Bastion, and to Tornado himself! In a way, I've already won!
T: A huge achievement indeed! Now, we here at BLAZE have noticed your showstopper fiery makeup. What inspires your inspirational makeup?
S: Pepper is my biggest inspiration. She embodies the spirit of fire: she can be cool to look at, but if you get too close, you might get burned. [BAD STAR] helped me to channel these thoughts into a coherent image.
T: Any tips? Not for me, obviously; for those pitiable souls who cannot grasp fashion, like poor Thistle.
S: You can be as crazy as you want, just make sure it's your style. And of course purple lipstick is simply timelessly stylish for you :)
T: We adore Pepper xxx Might you get a second Monster at any point?
S: Gosh, I can't even think about getting a new monster right now. I'd rather be the best trainer to one monster than an okay trainer for more.
T: Do you have any particular message you'd like to share with BLAZE?
S: So many people told me a career as a Trainer was a waste of time and that I'd end up unemployed or dead in the Wasteland, but I made it, I'm living the dream here in the Arena! You can do it too, don't give up!
Saffron: It's been lovely talking, I can't wait until the next issue!
Tornado (of Tornado… & The Storms!): Of course it has! We'll get a free first print straight to you :)
