Bastion may be humming with anticipation for a new set of Arena challengers, but the toughest Monsters from last Season are unlikely to be forgotten any time soon. This veteran BLAZE reporter has pulled together the latest, most up-to-date intel on the Season XXXVI line-up, so get those banners back out and get ready to cheer on your old favourites!
Grand Champion Volcanosaurus is returning to the Heavyweight Championship, with its first Fight set to be against The Howling Terror – see page 14 for a recap of Volcanosaurus's performance last Season! Doomigator and Thunderzilla will also be returning to defend their Double Team Championship title according to Reigning Champion Trainer Tackle, who has assured concerned Fans that his relationship with Reigning Champion Block is “as positive as ever.”
Speaking of the Double Team Championship, it seems that Shrapnel and Longbow have been spotted around the Arena – maybe you remember them from that massacre of a first-round Double Team Championship match last Season? This reporter would comment further on the duo's performance if they weren't so discouraged by the idea of receiving more “fan-mail” from Team Legit Trainers Midnight and High Noon. This reporter would also like to state, for the record, that commenting on poor Arena strategies does not make them a “talentless hack,” thank you very much.
Following The Professor's expulsion from the Arena, the Lightweight Champion title currently held by Wreckatar may be up for grabs… and Fans of the Season XXXIV Lightweight Championship semi-finalist Deathbreath have their fingers crossed for a surprise return to the Arena. Will Trainer Chaser rise to the challenge or is she applying her talents elsewhere? Only time will tell.
They can't all be winners, of course. Remember Murk, that docile-looking hairy thing that threw away its shot at the Lightweight Championship just so it could have a sandwich? I hope Trainer Noggin' is feeding it better this Season, because the pair are reportedly back for Season XXXVI! And over in the Heavyweight Championship, we've got two Monsters that just don't seem to know how to stay up on their feet. Everyone's favourite lethargic lizard Dozer is back for another shot at the title – and maybe it would be in with a chance of overcoming its sleepiness if it weren't for Pork Scratchings. Let's be honest, who doesn't fall asleep watching that thing “fight”? This reporter hopes that Trainers Suture and Square Peg have put more work into training this year, or the Heavyweight Championship is about to get DULL!
The Season XXXV Grand Championship Final (Volcanosaurus v Bulwark) was quick, brutal and utterly spectacular, and we have Volcanosaurus to thank for that. Grand Champion Trainer Cinder shares the secrets of her success and her hopes for Season XXXVI.
On her reign as Grand Champion Trainer: “It's been a lot of fun, yeah. Still not used to people knowing who I am wherever I go. It's almost addictive!”
On the Grand Championship Final: “Brutal, wasn't it? Poor Bulwark. Cam still isn't speaking to me. That's what I find so beautiful about UMBA though. You go in knowing there's a chance that your Monster, your teammate, is going to get hurt, and there's a kind of mutual trust between the pair of you. You have to trust that you've done all the right things, made the right preparations. If you don't trust your Monster, and if your Monster doesn't trust you, you've already lost before the Umpire opens their mouth.”
On training Volcanosaurus: “We've been working together for about two and a half years now – and I say working together because we're a team. It nearly killed me the first time we met, and look at us now! Training Volcanosaurus took a lot of patience, but it's taught me a hell of a lot about myself. Wouldn't change any of it for the world.”
On her future: “Like I said, this kind of fame is addictive. I'm not letting go of it any time soon! I'll retire when I think Volcanosaurus is ready to retire, but until then, you all better get used to seeing me at the top of the League!”
See Volcanosaurus take on The Howling Terror tomorrow night in the first match of Ultimate Monster Battle Arena, Season XXXVI, and be sure to subscribe to BLAZE for the post-match statistics.
Welcome back, Monster enthusiasts. In honour of the run-up to Season XXXVI, I've got something properly special for you this time. A lot of you are going to groan and sigh and tell me that I'm selling out, and you know what? I get it. I really do get it. But it had to come up at some point, right? So here I go, talking about Giant Block of Wood.
You know me, beloved readers. You know how I detest all of those cutesy names that get published in a single sub-par fanzine and then spread like wildfire. But I'm going to be honest – I think I actually prefer Giant Block of Wood to The Inertiator as a name for this thing. The Network wasn't wrong to call it The Inertiator, of course, but Giant Block of Wood works so much better.
Because it's a giant block of damn wood. That's all it is. It doesn't move, it doesn't react to anything, it has to be wheeled into the Arena on a cart… that thing is not a Monster, and the fact that the Network allows it to fight as one just shows how much of a farce the Championships are becoming.
It's all about the marketing these days. Marketing and showmanship. The age of Monster battling as a noble sport is coming to an end, and Giant Block of Wood is the perfect evidence of this.
With the start of the new season comes, of course, one of the most hotly-anticipated events for transformative work: the Fan Creation Competition! (In all honesty, it's probably it's time we came up with something catchier.)
For those of you who've been living under a rock for the past lifetime, this is a big deal. It's, like, a step on the way to ultimate mainstream recognition.
The rules are pretty simple. Submissions have to be some kind of fan creation illustrating the glory of the Battle Arena. There's no restriction on media - everything is fair game. Whether it's a paean to a previous Champ, an epic multi-chapter fic detailing the events of last year's tournament, or some kind of three-tiered red velvet cake depicting your favourite rival ship from Punchline's famous Wasteland AU 'Desert Passions' (please don't do this), it's all good. Personally, I'm going to be submitting my 10,000 word fan essay: 'Here Today; Gone Tomorrow: The Rise and Fall of Mechakillatron' (with pre-emptive thanks to all my betas), so, looking forward to reader reactions.
This year's Guest Judge will be none other than Curlicue, much-envied trophy holder of the past three tournaments running. Let's aim to impress, folks!
