Presented here are the fights from the second round of UMBA Season XXXVI in the order they happened. For quick links to each fight, you may wish to use the links in 2.
The crowd cheers, and Tick prowls around her corner of the arena, the ticking of her mechanisms steadily getting faster as the countdown to the start of the battle progresses.
“And facing her, we have creature with a good grip on the contest, Armageddon!”
The cheering is more muted from the audience generally - but the younger members enthusiastically wave back as Armageddon showboats to the crowd.
“And now, what you've all been waiting for - TIME! TO! FIGHT!”
The ticking of clockwork escalates, getting louder and faster and rising to a buzz as Tick accelerates across the arena. Armageddon notices soon enough to try and defend itself - but not soon enough to be effective - it gets a few arms around Tick, but the sheer speed of the panther means that it can't stop the whirring jaws from closing towards the core. The children in the crowd cheer even louder as Armageddon's blood splatters across the wall of the arena and it collapses to the floor, twitching.
With a whistle from Fatesmith, Tick slows down her attack, the sound of clockwork becoming slow and ominous, and rather than going in for the kill she pins Armageddon to the floor until the umpire's count finishes.
“TICK WINS”
The audience moans unhappily.
“I'm Grapeshot, and I'm your commentator for today! Your Umpire is Grandbeak Fourclaw! Hahaha! Beetles versus Legitimates! Circus versus Team! Monsters versus… Other Monsters!”
The audience starts to shout for the battle to commence.
“All right, all right… COMMENCE!”
THE TENT immediately starts to flash its lamp-eyes that are mounted on its canvas top. Brightly, clashingly multicoloured, they dazzle the opponents. Rollerpedes speeds towards the two other Monsters, and Longbow pushes itself up on its legs to prepare. The setting for this battle is a forest floor, with little hillocks and potted flowers.
Rollerpedes, however, doesn't get far before falling through the floor. It falls in a mess, certain parts of it completely toppling away
There's confusion and amusement - as the other three Monsters circle the Arena, pieces of grate become visible through the grass and moss. Whoever set this stage set it with a trap - the Rollerpedes has lost its momentum and beetles scurry around trying to find each other.
THE TENT is not put off. It stomps menacingly towards its opponents, gnashing its canvas flaps and baring its sewing needles.
Suddenly, Longbow seems to relax, and lose her energy. With a sighing folding of metal, her legs collapse and she topples over onto the grass with a thud. She lies motionless. The crowd screams and starts to spontaneously, excitedly countdown, even though Shrapnel is blatantly still moving.
This leaves THE TENT trying to engulf the little robot Monster, as it flails its arms futilely. It tries to pull off one of its opponent's tent pegs. THE TENT whirls its lamps eyes, and Shrapnel's huge wide eyes reflect the colour. It widens its eyes further still, small tears pooling, and looks up at THE TENT sadly… irresistibly. THE TENT slows, staring into Shrapnel's eyes, halted mid-battle by the cuteness.
The two Monsters are locked in a staring competition.
A few of the Rollerpedes are still rolling about on the floor, but most of them have fallen through the grating or are rocking on their backs in the grass.
Longbow appears to be asleep.
…
Not one of the four Monsters is moving.
Umpire Grandbeak Fourclaw starts to count, but in a confused tone. Exactly who is being counted down is unclear.
Suddenly, Shrapnel jumps backwards, and THE TENT wails, trying to lift its tent poles off the ground, all at once. It flails in pain. From behind, Longbow rises up, spider legs covered in earth and flowers, claws its way over the beetles and the grating - its wheels are too large to fall through - and tackles THE TENT. THE TENT, made of soft canvas, deflates and implodes inwards in puffs of streamers.
The battle concludes with Longbow sitting on THE TENT, which is still whirling its lamp-eyes at Shrapnel hungrily.
The Umpire, Grandbeak Fourclaw, starts a new countdown, sounding relieved that this one has an obvious conclusion. The commentator Grapeshot guffaws.
“Wasn't that a close call, friends? Well, I think it's fair to say that this has been won… LEGITIMATELY! HUH?! HUH?!”
The crowd boos. The Monsters are variously chivvied out, ushered off, dragged away, or swept out with a broom.
“First up, it's the one, the only, GIANT BLOCK OF WOOD!”
A spotlight pans across the Arena, settling on the plinth in the centre, where…a giant block of wood conspicuously isn't. The audience crane forward, but even the front rows can barely make out the tiny cube sitting on the great platform in the middle of the vast arena.
“Uh, well, Giant might be a bit…ANYWAY, its trainer, Canon, is here with us now, perhaps they can explain this radical change?”
Canon looks harassed, their usually perfect hair slightly out of place. “Well, you see, Hailer, I've been consulting with an excellent Monster Groomer, and we've agreed that a radical makeover would really give Inertianator that extra edge. Its new, smaller form should really keep the opposition guessing!”
“Is it even really a Giant Block of Wood any more, though? I think you might be falling foul of Amendment 404 here, Canon…let's ask our on-call Rules Lawyer! Yarn, would you like to comment?”
“Technically, it's legal name has never been Giant Block of Wood, so whether it's giant or not makes no odds,” Yarn puts in. “If Canon says that's the Inertianator in small form, then the Inertianator it is!”
“Well, then, let's get on with the show!” Commentator Hailer recovers. “Next up, there's Dark Steel, waiting in the wings. But before battle can commence, Dark Steel will have to navigate the deadly FIRE LABYRINTH to find its foe!”
On cue, walls of multi-coloured flame spring up from the Arena floor. The crowd oohs and aahs as the flames dance; and from the Umpire's box the shout finally goes up: “3-2-1…FIGHT!”
Dark Steel lumbers forward, the colours of the flames flickering brilliantly off its many metallic edges. It looks magnificent and deadly in the shifting, dancing light. The impression is only slightly damaged when it baulks at the first wall of flame, but it recovers as its trainer yells from the sidelines, and starts making its way through the maze towards the Giant - Tiny? - Block of Wood, winding up for an attack as it goes.
The Umpire is already counting down Giant Block of Wood's ten seconds, as has become habitual in every match.
Then, suddenly, a portal opens below the tiny wooden cube on its huge plinth; and the cube disappears.
The Umpire pauses the count. Another portal opens, directly above Dark Steel, and the little wooden cube plummets directly towards the bladed Monster. Dark Steel unleashes a mighty GIGASLASH attack, launching a swathe of darkness to cut across the arena, carving a path through the flames and slashing a deep groove in the Arena wall, but missing the tiny falling cube by a good six inches.
The cube bounces off Dark Steel and towards the nearest wall of flame, but before the flames can catch it, another portal opens and it disappears again, teleporting off to another part of the arena.
A mighty game of cat and mouse ensues, as Dark Steel, confused and increasingly upset, launches off attack after attack, sending searing slashes of darkness all across the arena, scoring the floor and walls but never quite managing to land a hit on its tiny opponent. The flames roar higher, and the crowd watch, rapt.
This is certainly the most exciting a Giant Block of Wood fight has ever been. Not to mention the longest - still going after a full minute!
Meanwhile, up above, a shouting match has broken out between the Umpire, insisting that an unregistered Monster is assisting Giant Block of Wood, rendering the fight forfeit, and Yarn, who has seized the commentator's mic to respond that on the contrary, the portal production is simply a feature of the Arena scenery, intended to make the match more entertaining. “Poppycock!” is the Umpire's response - any such features should have been logged with him in advance. Sponsored features and advertising don't have to be pre-registered, Yarn responds glibly. Only set design. And as the portal generator is a paid Brikquid advertisment, it's exempt! “Brikquid advertisment?!” sputters the Umpire, incredulously, but just then, the Inertianator bursts from yet another portal high above the arena, this time accompanied by a sheaf of brightly coloured Brikquid flyers. They scatter across the arena, some settling in the stands, others catching light in the walls of flame. One impales itself on a spiked edge of Dark Steel's gleaming carapace.
Finally, Dark Steel catches the little block of wood, in the open area at the centre of the labyrinth. It raises its blade, multicoloured firelight flickering menacingly along the wicked edge, and off the gleaming metal of its face.
The blade falls.
Suddenly, a huge whirlwind of darkness coalesces in the arena, a swirling vortex of sawdust whipping together into a vaguely square cloud. It rushes towards Dark Steel, and a tongue of green flame from one of the labyrinthine walls catches the edge of the cloud.
There is an almighty explosion, and Dark Steel is flung backwards, landing with a clatter on the floor of the Arena. It doesn't move again. As the vortex of darkness and sawdust reforms and rushes back out of the arena, the Umpire, after a pause, begins to count down from ten, incredulity in his voice.
As he does so, a brief discussion in the commentator's box ensues, as Yarn assures Hailer that that was definitely the Inertianator just there, honest guv, and Canon, looking shellshocked, nods helplessly.
“WELL FOLKS, looks like that's it! The winner is…the Inertianator!?”
Dark Steel finally struggles to its feet, scrabbles around on the Arena floor for a while, and then slowly makes its way over to its trainer, head hanging low and hands clutched to its chest.
The crowd cheer as the lights in the Arena swing down to illuminate a bouncy pink Deathbreath in one corner of a tiered Arena floor with the walking metal box standing proudly on the top.
“Both of these competitors lost out last Round, but they're back for blood: Deathbreath is bouncier and more deadly than ever, and Gearbox is wound up and ready to unleash the destruction! Chaser, Dashboard, you know the rules: two Monsters enter, one leaves victorious: LET. BATTLE. COMMENCE!”
Straight away, Deathbreath is off: she circles around the tiered staging, keeping a close eye on Gearbox as it rotates slowly to track its pink, inflated quarry. Deathbreath leaps up onto the first tier, and Gearbox takes a step back, but doesn't react. Deathbreath bounces up closer, and there's a noticeable ticking from Gearbox, but again it stays calm. The audience, previously cheering, dulls to a hush as they watch, keen to see what happens next.
“Now, we know Deathbreath's breath works against squishy Monsters,” remarks the commentator, “but Gearbox is all machine. Will she try it anyway? Oh, yes, look at that, there she goes!”
Sure enough, Deathbreath opens her mouth and breathes a miasma of gas around Gearbox, but does it gently, around the ground at first, building up. Gearbox seems confused, but not agitated, and seems to regard Deathbreath curiously, until suddenly it realises what's happening - its legs stop moving, and it starts juddering. Immediately, the top springs open, and LASER CANNONS fire forward at Deathbreath. She jumps out of the way, but one of the lasers strikes her and she falls to the ground, letting out a howl of even more gas.
“That's gonna sting in the morning!” the commentator remarks, “but would you look at that: Gearbox has frozen!”
The audience, and Deathbreath, both react immediately to Gearbox's frozen state. The gas seems to have caused Gearbox to shut down, and though its gears are still clearly turning, Gearbox is still! The crowd erupts into cheers as Deathbreath bounces up and with one strong swipe at Gearbox, smashes the box to the ground. 10 seconds later, the match is called and DEATHBREATH is victorious!
“Well Brash, both of these monsters are coming fresh off wins in the Arena, with Diamon beating Titch in a clean knockout and Grey bringing down Your Worst Nightmare after a protracted brawl. I suspect both Paradigm and Dr Frost are looking to carry on that winning streak and bring themselves out of Delta Division.”
“That's right, Wire, they're playing for a lot of marbles today - if not all of them, certainly a shot at climbing into the big time. A win for either of these monsters might push them up into Gamma.”
“And now it looks like the Umpire is ready to start. Let's get this one going.”
“Definitely. ARE YOU READY!?”
The crowd begins to cheer.
“I SAID! ARE! YOU! READYYYYY!?”
Another whoop is picked up around the Arena, as below on the Arena floor the approximately-humanoid form of Grey steps out to face the crystalline feline form of Diamon.
“THEN LET'S GET READY TO F! I! G! H! T!”
The crowd rises to a fever pitch as the two monsters plunge towards each other. Grey surges forward hoping to get an initial blow in, but it rapidly becomes clear that Diamon is extremely fast and placing utmost care on avoiding each attack as it comes in. Outmatched on pace Grey recovers and waits patiently for Diamon to make a move.
Like a dart Diamon plunges in, and Grey barely reacts in time, just managing to shift its body out of the way of the tiny form as it makes for a single decisive strike. Grey swings in retaliation but the crystal cat is just too fast.
Dr Frost shouts down to Diamon, encouraging the probing attacks to greater and greater speed, different angles, and greater intensity. Grey seems to be increasingly struggling to fend them off, and eventually Diamon gets in several solid hits in a row. Grey deforms horribly under each of the blows, but just about manages to get back into shape before the next one comes in, threatening to scatter her across the floor.
Grey makes much less of an attempt to dodge the next incoming attack but fortunately it only glances off and Diamon, apparently expecting more of a defensive reaction, misjudges and tumbles off across the Arena. Grey looks hurt but in one motion appears to throw a piece of herself through the air. The crowd gasps.
“What's this? is Grey detaching parts of herself deliberately now? We've known she was sort-of-technically a hive mind, but this is new!”
The detached blob sails through the air and lands heavily next to Diamon. There is a brief high-pitched whine, and then suddenly a light blue light springs up in a dome shape, engulfing Diamon as it clambers back to its feet.
“ANOTHER FORCE FIELD! Grey really seems to have form for these, doesn't she, Wire!”
“That's right, Brash, but this one seems to be NEW! Look at Diamon in there, it doesn't seem able to get out!”
Diamon attempts a few times to break through whatever field has been generated around it, each time bouncing off. The violent fire within starts to dim slightly, and the crowd picks up its cheering as Grey starts to wander towards it.
Try as it might, Diamon attempts again and again to pierce the field, the fire within it getting fainter and fainter on each attempt. Grey stands nearby and appears to survey the trapped monster, while Diamon stops and begins to slowly pace with tired movements.
“Trapped is one thing but it seems Diamon is still able to move in there! The Umpire is shaking her head, she's not going to be counting it out just because it's inside a forcefield! Looks like Grey will have to finish it off.”
Grey steps forward and prepares a huge swing at the glinting crystal form, winding up for a gigantic knockout blow. But Diamon is clearly not ready to give up yet, and when Grey's fist passes through the field it deactivates - giving just a split second for Diamon to duck under the blow and power directly into the centre of Grey's mass, taking the utmost advantage of the speed difference between the two and converting it into a final breakout blow.
Grey collapses with the force of the impact, stunned, and limping slowly Diamon clambers on top of the now-indistinct form, barely able to keep its crystal tail flicking backwards and forwards. The Umpire steps forward and counts, the crowd goes wild, and the fight is over.
“What an UPSET! Who could have predicted that? I thought Diamon was done for!”
“So did I! But it seems Diamon's training shone through there, and we have a SHOCK WINNER for you all tonight.”
The crowd roars its approval. Shards Falling have gained a higher profile since the earlier Arena match, and whilst Khaos still has his fair share of haters, most people seem to regard the ticklefight as a massive coup on Thistle's part.
“FACING THEM ARE THEIR REAL ARCHRIVALS! THE BIG-TIME MUSIC CELEBRITY NOW TURNED PRO WITH THE HAIR THAT EVERYONE LOVES TO DROOL OVER, AND HIS DOWN-TO-EARTH, BOY-NEXT-DOOR BEST FRIEND - GIVE IT UP FOR… TEAM HORIZOOOOON!”
Wild screams of “Go Crabgrass!” and “Marry me, Tornado!!!” abound. One Fan nearly falls over himself attempting to lean far enough over to catch a glimpse of Tornado's famous new fringe.
Crabgrass blows an ironic kiss at Thistle, who weathers this new indignity with steely pride. She does look a little green, however.
“ON THE ONE SIDE, WE HAVE KRYSTALKORPION - PURE CRYSTAL; PURE TERROR - AND THORN - THE LOVEABLE GIANT MASS OF SPINES! ON THE OTHER, TARAXACORE - THOSE OF YOU WITH ALLERGIES, BEWARE! - AND HURRICANE - MISTY, MALEVOLENT AND RARING TO GO!”
Khaos and Thistle eye their opponents. Taraxacore resembles a large, heavy-looking dinosaur with dandelion fluff in the place of a head. Meanwhile, Hurricane is an odd, amorphous blur of cloud. Crackles of lightning pulse deep within its core.
“WHO WILL EMERGE ON TOP IN THIS FINELY-BALANCED FEUD? LET'S FIND OUT! FIGHT COMMENCE!”
Krystalkorpion, true to form, hurtles towards Taraxacore, pincers clicking in anticipation. The two collide, heavily. Meanwhile, Thorn lashes out a couple of vines towards Hurricane, attempting to distract it. Thistle looks slightly ill, but determined, egging Thorn on as it lashes out at Tornado's Monster. The edge of the cloud disperses and reforms as it suffers lash after lash from the spiked limbs. Meanwhile, Krystalkorpion picks up a rock from the arena floor and hurls it towards Taraxacore, who stumbles, seemingly disorientated.
Several beams of forked lightning come hurling towards Krystalkorpion. It dodges, but its attention is diverted from Taraxacore.
“I feel that I just took you, like, way more seriously when you were doing music,” says Khaos from across the Arena, addressing Hurricane. “This whole Trainer experiment is basically kinda sad. KK - sick 'em!”
Krystalkorpion spins around, scuttles past Taraxacore, and goes tearing towards Hurricane, aiming for the centre of the cloud. The crowd lean forwards, eager to see how this pans out: is Hurricane even solid? Will Krystalkorpion just pass through?
Fortunately for Team Shards Falling, it does not. Rather, Krystalkorpion disappears into the cloud of mist surrounding Tornado's Monster. A split second later, it falls back - by all appearances having hit something solid. Hurricane recoils in a swirling gust, and with an unearthly shriek.
Another shaft of lightning comes shooting out of Hurricane - and this time, it hits. Krystalkorpion briefly disappears in a fragmented burst of light. Once the audience's eyes adjust, they can tell that it does not appear to have been taken out, but there is a black, burned-looking welt on the armour across its flank.
Not to be dissuaded, it throws itself at Hurricane with renewed vigour. If it can smash, it appears it will smash.
Meanwhile, Thistle looks Crabgrass in the eye. Crabgrass looks back.
“Pretender,” he scoffs.
“Sellout,” she hurls back.
“Mouldering weed!”
“Root vegetable!”
“Taraxacore - attack!”
“Thorn - DESTROY!”
Taraxacore, still reeling from Krystalkorpion's assault, goes pelting towards Thorn. A stray shaft of lightning goes soaring past its head, but it seems to hardly notice as it goes galumphing towards Taraxacore, limbs akimbo. As Thorn lashes out one tendril, low against the ground, the audience gasp: they know what's coming. Taraxacore's large foot catches against the limb, and it goes crashing to the floor. However, it kicks out at Thorn, sending its swirling limbs flying back, before it manages to right itself.
Taraxacore gives an ear-piercing squeak, and stamps on one of Thorn's limbs. Thorn, enraged, wraps another limb around its torso, squeezing hard. However, one of Taraxacore's clawed arms extends to scratch at the point where Thorn's limb meets its body. Thorn gives sudden, pained SCREEEEEEEE, as a claw scores across the delicate flesh below its spiked armour.
On the other side of the Arena, Krystalkorpion is keeping Hurricane at bay. It bears the brunt of the lightning attacks, dodging away from most, but suffering the heat of a few. Occasionally, it darts in and out of the mist: the crowd can hear the sickening snick of pincers, and howls of pain from Hurricane.
After a particularly heavy lash from Krystalkorpion's tail, Hurricane is sent flying across the Arena. The clouds around it briefly disperse: beneath it, a dark, two-legged figure is just discernible. It appears to be bleeding a dark, viscous substance from Krystalkorpion's attacks.
Hurricane - now almost fully visible as a shadowy, vaguely humanoid figure, goes sprinting away from Krystalkorpion. Krystalkorpion scuttles in pursuit, nipping at Hurricane's heels with its pincers. More thick, black blood spurts from the resultant wounds.
Hurricane suddenly rounds on Krystalkorpion. Limping towards it, it appears to summon up further reserves of strength. The clouds briefly reform around its shapeless body, and lightning begins to crackle at the centre.
Wasting no time, Krystalkorpion launches itself at Hurricane. Pincers clicking, tail lashing, it begins to hit and smash with all its might.
Hurrican teeters. Then, slowly, it topples. However, this is not before it sends out one last lightning shaft.
The lightning hits Krystalkorpion square in the face. With a pitiful screech, it falls to the floor.
Both Hurricane and Krystalkorpion appear to be out of the fight!
There is a short lull, as Taraxacore and Thorn are left facing one another. Then, all of a sudden, Taraxacore squeaks, as if stung. In a blind rage, it barrels towards Thorn, giant claws flashing in the Arena lights. Thorn, weakened from the blow before, does not lash out in time; instead, it catches the onslaught of claws and fury in full force. However, even whilst half-crushed, it manages to whack at Taraxacore with its vines, slicing against its flank.
The two Monsters hold one another in this lethal death grip for longer than anyone would think possible. Taraxacore claws at Thorn; Thorn hits at Taraxacore. Blood and sap splash across the Arena floor in great gouts.
Still, both appear to be flagging. Almost as if by mutual agreement, they relent. Thorn's grip slackens; Taraxacore's claws slow. Both go crashing to the floor, exhausted.
The Umpire stands, about to make his ruling, but then steps back with a resigned look, as Noggin darts up out of his seat.
“If I may,” he says.
“You may,” says the Umpire, heavily.
“The uninitiated observer,” says Noggin, “might suggest that this match was a draw. In reality, this could not be a clearer victory for Team Shards Falling.”
Appreciative laughter from the crowd. They're looking forward to seeing how he is going to spin this one.
Indeed, Noggin himself appears to be unsure as to how to continue.
“If you look very closely,” says Noggin, after only perhaps a second's hesitation, “you can just discern that Thorn… is still in motion!”
The audience and Umpire lean forwards, obligingly.
“Observe!” says Noggin. “Its spikes are currently moving!”
The audience and Umpire squint.
Some of Thorn's spikes do indeed appear to be very faintly wafting to and fro. It might be the wind. But then, it might not be.
The Umpire looks as though he might be about to argue - but he arrests himself. Perhaps this is due to the fact that he has no idea how to rule this one either, and is grateful for any kind of tie-breaker. Perhaps he fears the reaction of the crowd. Either way:
“Victory goes to Team Shards Falling!”
“TODAY TO BE SACRIFICED WE HAVE TWO PRIME SPECIMENS OF MONSTER BAIT IN THE ARENA-”
“Ahem!” comes another voice, and there's a bit of rustling as the voice amplifier changes hands, “I think you mean, Unfiltered,” shouts rules lawyer, Yarn, “that we have two mighty challengers against two lay-about Monsters riding on past glory!”
“I wouldn't say that-”
“What do YOU think, Bastion?!”
There's a cheer, a particularly loud one that's amplified across the Arena, and the amplifier changes hands. “Very well: TWO MIGHTY CHALLENGERS APPROACH. BOTH of these Challengers have proven their mettle in the Arena alone, but HOW WILL THEY FARE when faced with not ONE but TWO DEADLY OPPONENTS? Well, Monster Fans, you're about to find out as TONIGHT we present: OMEGA AND ANGLER VERSUS THE ONE AND ONLY DOOOOOOMSTOOOOOORRRRRRMMMMMM!!!!!!”
The crowd goes wild, and the gates to the Arena open, out sauntering the enormous DOOMIGATOR and the stormy THUNDERZILLA. The crowd loves them, and they love the attention. Block and Tackle can be seen by the Arena entrance, one on either side of the gate, checking their Monsters at the last moment, and as the crowd simmers down.
“THIS IS AN EXTRAORDINARY BATTLE, BUT AS YARN ASSURES ME IT IS PERFECTLY VALID UNDER AMENDMENT 855: TWO GLADIATORS ENTER ON ONE SIDE, TWO CHAMPION MONSTERS ENTER ON THE OTHER. ONLY ONE SIDE MAY BE VICTORIOUS! LET BATTLE COMMENCE!!!”
The crowd roars, and Omega and Angler adopt fighting stances, and then Omega is launched into the air by her harness, immediately gaining vertical advantage on Doomstorm. The Champions' eyes follow her in the air as Angler shouts and gets the attention of Doomigator. The alligator charges, snapping at Angler as he dodges to the side, jabbing the crocodile skin with his trident.
Omega comes to land near Thunderzilla, and dodges a lightning bolt shot out from its stormy midst. She takes the net and attempts to fan it out to throw, but another lightning bolt catches her on the armour, knocking her to the ground. The crowd cheer as Thunderzilla closes in, but Omega is back on her feet supported by her harness. Omega dodges out as Thunderzilla thunders and a shockwave blasts out, spraying dust into the air, and dances around the creature again.
Meanwhile, Angler is locked in a desperate fight with Doomigator. He keeps on his toes, just managing to outmanouevre the snapping jaws and avoid getting hit by splashes of glowing green goo from the barrels on the enormous alligator's back. He thrusts, Doomigator dodges, and the dance continues, until he gets hit square on by the alligator's tail and thrown across the Arena, landing in a puddle of glowing goo. The crowd laugh, but their attention is quickly drawn by a shriek from Thunderzilla as Omega manages to land the net on one of its limbs, holding it down and allowing her to close in with a plasma sabre. There's a KRAK-A-THOOM though, and Omega is thrown backwards by a thunderous explosion of light, knocking her onto the ground. There's a crack in her armour, but she staggers to her feet before falling over.
“SURELY THIS CAN'T BE IT FOR OMEGA?!” cries Unfiltered, but then there's a shout from the crowd as one Dr Frost is spotted with a rifle. She levels it at Omega and before someone can stop her, she fires. Whatever it was hits Omega on her now exposed neck, and there's a few moments of panic before Omega gets up to her feet and roars.
“WAS THAT ADRENALINE?” asks Unfiltered, “Surely that's not all-”
“AMENDMENT THREE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED AND EIGHTY TWO,” Yarn takes the mike, “A GLADIATOR'S POWER IS AN AMALGAMATION OF THEIR INNER STRENGTH AND THEIR CREATIVE THINKING. This is thinking creatively, is it NOT, good Umpire?”
The crowd cheers its approval and the Umpire allows it. It wouldn't matter if they didn't, for Omega is already on her feet and clashing Plasma Sabre against the claws of Thunderzilla which is backing away toward Doomigator. It summons up a great storm and hurls it toward Omega, but she dodges out of the way and plunges the sabre into Thunderzilla, knocking the Monster out.
“THUNDERZILLA IS DOWN! THAT JUST LEAVES DOOMIGATOR AND, oh dear, that's not good.”
The crowd's attention turns to Doomigator and Angler, where they find the alligator has gotten its jaws around Angler, who is standing between them, trembling with the strength required to hold them open. The crowd cheers louder for every second Angler keeps them open, and Omega runs over to help, but Doomigator gives an angry shake and toxic waste spews all over the ground, drenching Omega and knocking her down.
Angler's strength falters for a second, and that's all it takes for Doomigator's jaws to snap shut. CRUNCH. That looks like it's it for Angler.
Unfiltered is a little tentative as they speak, “Unless I'm very much mistaken folks, that's the end of Angler. That just leave- WAIT NO, I AM VERY MUCH MISTAKEN WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?!”
A trident strikes out, knocking out some of Doomigator's teeth, and Angler emerges, his armour shattered and falling apart, but ALIVE! He stabs at Doomigator's eyes, surprising the alligator and it roars in anger. It snaps back at him, catching him on the shoulder with a vice like bite, but another shot from Dr Frost hits Angler in the side and a few seconds later he roars furiously and drives the Trident through the reptile's jaw, forcing it to release him. He retreats, and grabs Omega, and the pair make a stand. Angler's net retrieved, they circle Doomigator, but the fight is far from over.
Doomigator slashes out with its tail, just about dodged by Omega; Angler seizes the advantage to try to stab its toes, but misses; Doomigator bites for Angler, but he dodges underneath and slides out the other side, lubricated by the glowing green all over the floor; with every movement, the Arena floor becomes more sludge-like. Omega makes to jump over again, but slips on the floor. An enormous tail smashes down and her armour falls apart with the force. It looks like it's all over as she fails to make purchase to get up, the tail comes slamming down and-
“OOOHHH FORCEFIELD!!” Unfiltered cheers with glee, “NICELY DONE, OMEGA!!”
The crowd cheer as Omega's personal forcefield envelopes her and gives her the chance to get out from under the tail. She rounds upon Doomigator and screams, the plasma sabre still in her hand and she charges at it. Angler charges from the other side at the same time, and Doomigator snaps for Omega, but it's too late. Angler pierces Doomigator's side with his trident and Doomigator roars, its head snapping round to snap at him instead, and then it feels the searing Archaeotech heat of Omega's plasma sabre carving into its flesh. It screams in anguish as Omega slices through its limbs like butter, and then does a flip with her harness to drive the sabre into one of the waste barrels. The green explosion that follows throws her and Angler back, but they both fare a lot better than Doomigator, who howls and falls to the floor.
“VICTORY!!” Unfiltered cries, as Angler stands back, but Omega carries on: she charges forward, sabre in hand and continues to hack at Doomigator. The beast whimpers, but Omega keeps slashing, hacking at the flesh like a possessed creature. The cries from Unfiltered can't stop her, neither can the shouts of Block running into the Arena to protest. It's monstrous… it's Monstrous… and like any berserking Monster, her rage is put to an end with a puff of Xenon fired from a Network technician.
Omega slumps to the floor into a toxic puddle, unconscious, as Unfiltered takes back control of the commentary, “Well, um, it seems that OMEGA has been anaesthetised to stop her attacking Doomigator. The Gladiators win!! And as they are Gladiators they each win 10R for their-”
“10R?” butts in Yarn from the box again, “Only 10?”
“They're Gladiators,” says Umpire Lampshade, “that's the rule.”
“Does she look like a Gladiator? Tearing into Doomigator possessed like that? That's Monstrous, we all say: Omega's as Monstrous as either of Doomstorm. She deserves to be paid like a Monster. 30R. And 30R to Angler too: since you can't have a Monster on the same side as a non-Monster.”
There's more bickering, but the Xenon dart is the nail in the coffin: only Monsters should be anaesthetised, and Omega was anaesthetised: ergo she gets paid. Justice!
The lights go up, but these lights aren't Arena lights, these are the “eyes” of THE TENT blaring out happily and being reflected across the Arena as KRYSTALKORPION leaps from side to side of the Arena, curling into a ball mid-arc and refracting and reflecting the light about. The glittering spots illuminate Victory Viper and Rollerpedes in an elaborate series of acrobatics. Victory Viper flourishes up and about, while Rollerpedes forms intricate shapes, then targets, obstacles, and swirling patterns that Victory Viper launches itself up and around, twirling in the air.
The crowd are impressed, but even more so when suddenly they hear a SCREECH before realising KRYSTALKORPION has managed to jump high enough to land its tail in the commentary box. Moros' is seen waving around and KRYSTALKORPION curls into a ball and hangs, with THE TENT now shining its lights at it as it rotates, casting bright colours about the Arena. The light show wows the crowd, but even moreso when THE TENT uses its fabric to cast shadows, and soon Victory Viper is dancing about a choreographed shadow puppet show, with the Rollerpedes adding detail to THE TENT's lighting.
The audience love it, and when Moros' heads round the edge of the ring with a hat at the end, the takings seem substantial!
The audience sighs appreciatively as the Arena spotlights settle on Doughball. The little blob of dough certainly does look adorable, with tiny pink spots painted onto its cheeks and a light dusting of sugar over its form.
“Is this a teaser for a new, sugary-sweet Monster House product? I sure hope so! But there’s a far more important question at stake here, folks: which mascot will be victorious? There’s only one way to find out! LET BATTLE COMMENCE!”
The Rollerpedes immediately swarm out in formation, criss-crossing across the Arena towards Doughball with spectacular coordination. Doughball shifts backwards in preparation for impact… but the Rollerpedes make a sharp turn right in front of it and begin to circle.
A captivating display of acrobatics begins. The bulk of the Rollerpedes remain in a perfect circle around Doughball but every few seconds, a group leaps out of formation to jump over the Monster in a thin arc, and seamlessly fall back into the circle on the other side. As the show continues, both Monsters grow more ambitious; multiple arcs of Rollerpedes begin to cross each other mid-air, while Doughball begins to hop excitedly (but surprisingly rhythmically) in the centre. The audience is astounded by the performance and before long, both Monsters’ names are being chanted in time to the dance.
Soon though, the Rollerpede circle begins to shrink inwards, spiralling closer and closer to the happily bouncing blob. Doughball eventually notices this and its wide eyes grow even wider in surprise. Hastily, it stops bouncing and tries to fling itself to the side, through the circling swarm of insects to safety. A small part of the swarm is knocked out of sync for a while as Doughball pulls itself out of the circle, but the rest of the Rollerpedes stay in formation. In fact, they begin to group up, forming a large mass before Doughball’s big, adorable eyes. The mass settles into a loosely ovoid shape, gains definition as parts of the swarm sink inwards…
The crowd gasps, then cheers. The Rollerpedes have formed a large, terrifying skull-like shape. Doughball looks startled and begins to hop away with increased fervour, but the Rollerpedes don’t appear to be done. A small group of them launches out from the skull’s mouth and tackles Doughball, swarming over the delicious, sugary surface of its form. After they eventually retreat, leaving their opponent clean and undecorated, Doughball blinks rapidly then flops over in surprise.
“AND THAT’S THE MATCH! ROLLERPEDES WIN! GIVE IT UP FOR TWO FANTASTIC SHOW-MONSTERS, FOLKS!”
The Arena floor is a vast expanse of pale orange sand. Only the occasional decorative cactus break the perfectly uniform plane. Overhead the sky is clear and brilliant blue, the heat is intense and the air above the pit shimmers. Briquid salesfolk hawk their beverage up and down the stands.
“First out of the gates we have Dozer. This adorable armoured lizard much mocked for sleeping though matches has had everyone wide awake and paying attention this season. The spectacular battle with the Network monster Gnosis last week really seems to have marked a turning point in this once lazy lizards career.”
Gates open and Dozer emerges, the immense armoured lizard scenting the air with its tongue. It looks more alert than usual, even scuttling over to chew on a cactus poking out of the sand.
“Opposing them is Basilica. This Quintaped trained by part-time gladiator Angler is amongst the biggest monsters in the league. Weighing in at… wow that’s a lot of zeros… a lot, this roaming ruin is ready to wreck Dozer’s day.”
There is the rumble of chains as an immense portcullis opens. Slowly stomping it’s way out of the shadow is a living mountain. Five immense insectoid legs carry what can only be described as a temple town into the Arena. Basilica dwarfs even the giant Dozer.
“Let the battle, begin!”
The ground shakes with every step the mighty Basilica takes towards Dozer, kicking up clouds of sand. The lumbering ruin isn’t fast but it’s stride is massive. Dozer scuttles to keep distance with the beast, but the Arena is only so big.
Basilica reaches up with a large insectoid leg, bringing it down towards Dozer. The lizard springs out of the way as it crashes into the ground, the immense weight sending up a cloud of dust.Dozer doges left and right, as the temple monster slowly pushes it towards the edge of the Arena. It’s impossible to say whether it is cunning on the part of Basilica or a guileless assault. Occasionally Dozer tries to nip at the great legs, but is forced to retreat lest it find itself in the shadow of Basilica vast body. Eventually it finds itself pushed up against the edge of the Arena with nowhere to go but underneath it’s foe.
“Oh no! Quick get ready with the Xenon or Dozer is going to be squashed flat.”
Dozer makes a break for it, trying to get out and under Basilica. Angler can be heard yelling from their platform, “Now!”. Like some immense celestial body the central mass of Basilica begins to fall upon Dozer. The lizard darts frantically for freedom. Its halfway there. It disappears from view as Basilica’s base nears the ground.
“I can’t watch!” cries Beam.
Basilica smashes into the ground. The force is like an earthquake. People are thrown from their seats. The walls of the Arena tremble, concrete cracking. The shockwave sends up a cloud of orange dust, totally obscuring vision. There is a long pause.
“I guess… I guess that’s it then?”
Suture can be seen readying her medical equipment.
The cloud of dust begins to settle. Scrabbling their way free from the sand on the far side of Basilica is Dozer. The comparatively small reptile is buried in debris on the far side of Basilica.
Angler begins to yell at Basilica to move, but there is the sound of the Umpires whistle.
“Well… I suppose that’s it folks. The Umpire has called the fight on the 10 second rule also known as the giant block of wood amendment. Basilica has remained motionless for more than 10 seconds and has hence been reclassified as scenery. Being the last remaining monster in the arena, Dozer wins!”
Footsie shambles out into the Arena, to be met by the advancing hedge-wall that is Green Beast. Its leaves reach out towards the sock, branches extending…
Footsie goes straight for the big guns, whipping out the Meltinator and opening fire. Plasma crackles, and the shrubbery is blasted back, charred, smoking, and unmoving. Fire dances briefly along its branches before dying, leaving nothing but a blackened, fallen stump.
“Well, that was…that was…certainly quick!” manages the commentator, as both trainers rush into the Arena, Blanket to corrall Footsie away, Night to examine their stricken Monster. The crowd is torn between cheers from Footsie's fans, and stunned silence from Green Beast's.
Meanwhile, someone is up in the Umpire's box, conferring with him. No winner has yet been officially announced.
“That's a clear victory to Footsie,” the commentator begins, but the figure in the Umpire's box gestures, cutting them off. “Wait, no, it looks like there's some kind of dispute, let's give them a minute -”
“Damn right you should!” calls the newcomer. “Footsie the victor indeed! It should be clear to everyone here that Footsie did next to nothing! What killed Green Beast - and the poor thing is dead, stone dead! - was an unregistered additional fighter!”
He pauses, playing the crowd, letting the confused tension build.
“So, who killed Green Beast? The Meltinator! All Footsie did was set it up, the Meltinator landed the killing blow! And we all know how this works, don't we, monster fans? The Monsters do the fighting, the trainers set them up! I move that the Meltinator be declared a Monster, and the real winner of this fight!”
The crowd roar.
The Umpire nods assent.
“There you have it, folks!” the commentator exclaims. “The winner is…THE MELTINATOR, with a dazzling entrance into the Heavyweight division!”
“Thanks for your time, everyone!” calls the Rules Lawyer, bowing to the crowd. “Asterisk; at your service for all your rules-based needs! As long as there aren't any dirty socks involved!”
There's a cheering from the stands as Damage Control can be seen waving, and shrugging off praise, lipread as “Oh it's nothing”, before Unfiltered continues, the south gate opening to reveal a spidery machine clawing its way forward.
“FROM THE SOUTH,” they call, “WE HAVE THE MENACING, but if records are to be believed, HARMLESS LONGBOWWWWWWW. Trained by 'Haaa Noon' as the fans are calling him, do remember that despite everything, Longbow is USED to the HEAVYWEIGHT LEAGUE, unlike its challenger: newly trained by Trainer of Alpha Lightweight, THE TENT, we have Pennythrift Steeple's first foray into the HEAVYWEIGHT: you're playing with the big kids now, Steeple. But enough about the trainer, you want to see it, we know you do, here is the UNSTOPPABLE BALL OF DESTRUCTION: THE SEASON THIRTY-FIVE LIGHTWEIGHT CHAMPION: WREEEEECKAAAAATAAAAAARRRRRRR!!!”
The crowd erupts into cheers as the north gate is smashed open by a three-tailed Monster like a giant pangolin which screeches its appreciation. The crowd cheers and shouts “WRECKATAR! WRECKATAR! WRECKATAR!” but there is at least an audible section shouting for Longbow too.
“The rules are, as ever, simple: TWO MONSTERS ENTER. ONE MONSTER LEAVES VICTORIOUS. LET ULTIMATE MONSTER BATTLE COMMENCE!!”
The fight starts and both Monsters charge at each other, feinting at the last moment but with Wreckatar striking at Longbow's legs. Longbow dodges, striking back, with Wreckatar dodging that too, until both connect blows with each other and develops into a brawl between the two many-appendaged Monsters. They throw each other this way and that, with Wreckatar's tails flying and lashing at Longbow before both of them land a blow that knocks the other back. Wreckatar then goes for its signature move:
“THE WRECKING BALL!!!” cries Unfiltered, and the crowd roars in approval as Wreckatar rolls up into a ball and flings itself toward the edge of the Arena, building up speed by hurtling around the edge, smoothly, Longbow failing to keep up, before it flings itself toward a ramp - destroying a prop roadrunner in the process - and flies into the air toward Longbow. Longbow is smashed in the face by the ball of destruction and the crowd goes wild.
Longbow staggers back, but suddenly a pit in the floor opens up, its legs just catching on the sand to stabilise itself as its face sparks from the impact with Wreckatar, but then something creaks up above and oil comes pouring out and splashes all over the Monster. Wreckatar comes round for another strike, but Longbow is already slipping on the ground with its many legs. It dodges a blow from the sphere of destruction, but it slips, and there's an audible CRACK as its legs suddenly move in a direction they really don't look like they're meant to, and it slips into the pit. There's a billow of dust, but no movement. Ten seconds later, Wreckatar is announced victorious!
High Noon is seen about to storm out in anger, but turns around and shakes Pennythrift's hand, before going in to check on Longbow. Wreckatar makes its way out of the Arena.
A low, thudding drumbeat rises to a crescendo.
“I give you the MONARCHS OF MAYHEM, the EMPERORS OF EVIL, Team. HEAVY. METAAAAAAAAAL!”
The drumbeat crashes and music surges as from one end of the Arena the entrance rolls back to reveal Mechagraviton and Dark Steel posed on a raised metal dais, covered in gouges and reddish-brown stains. Arena lighting swings over and glints menacingly from Dark Steel's spikes and Mechagraviton's slowly-flexing wings.
Another light swings to the Trainers' stands where Crash and Blade can clearly be seen sat upon a gigantic pair of thrones, also made of metal and bristling with menacing spikes.
“And their challengers, the FURIOUS FELINES, the CALAMITOUS CATS, Team CAT FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!”
The thudding music stops as the other entranceway is revealed. There is a brief moment of confusion and silence from the crowd as a small, dilapidated wooden shack is revealed. This doesn't last long, however, as half of the shack collapses under its own weight to reveal Slime Kitty and Jaws of Defeat within. Tension builds across the crowd.
“You'll never see another fight like tonight, folks! Get on the edges of your seats and LET THE BATTLE COMMENCE!”
Within moments, the music resumes and the crowd erupts with cheering for both teams. Slime Kitty and Jaws of Defeat burst lithely from the remains of the shack, showering wooden splinters across the floor. Meanwhile Mechagraviton floats forward with deliberation and Dark Steel steps from the dais with a slow but implacable plod.
It quickly becomes clear as the monsters engage that the Arena is not at all fair. Jaws of Defeat is having difficulties with the floor, struggling to pick one paw up after another from what seems like a very tacky surface. Even Slime Kitty doesn't seem to like the stickiness, though her slimy form seems to give her an advantage. Meanwhile Mechagraviton floats across the Arena and Dark Steel doesn't even seem to have noticed.
The opening attack of the fight comes as Crash shouts orders, taking advantage of the temporary split between the cats to get an early blow in. Mechagraviton moves forward and hovers directly above Slime Kitty, while Jaws of Defeat is stuck further back near the entrance. There is a dull metallic thud as the mechanical dragon strikes the floor, and the crowd gasps.
“Can that be it folks? Is it one slam, one down for Cat Fight?”
Meanwhile, Dark Steel advances relentlessly past and towards Jaws of Defeat, which had decided that one of the many odd brownish boxes that appear to have been scattered across the Arena was vastly preferable to the sticky surface of the Arena floor.
Jaws of Defeat springs into action, leaping furiously onto Dark Steel, its many heads nipping at the metallic blades and paws batting at its head. Dark Steel swings around as the leopard-hydra clings on for balance and lets out an angry many-headed yowling sound.
Meanwhile, Mechagraviton shifts to one side to inspect its handiwork. There is a squelching sound as Slime Kitty squirms, the scale pattern imprinted on the flattened goop smoothing out and the adorable cat reforming in its place.
“Looks like that cat's got a fair number of lives left to go, fight fans! This one isn't over just yet!”
Pluck and Bright lean over the balcony at the Trainers' stands and as a pair shout “SLIME NET! NOW!”. Slime Kitty slips out from under Mechagraviton and dashes with astonishing speed over to Dark Steel, flattening itself out. Jaws of Defeat jumps down, picks up the flattened goop, and hefts it over the bladed humanoid figure.
Dark Steel takes a few steps as it attempts to remove Slime Kitty from its head and gets tangled in the many heads of Jaws of Defeat, slipping and toppling to the ground. As the bladed monster hits the ground the feline pair swarm over it in co-ordinated unison, batting and biting the metal hide with as much well trained fury as they can muster.
“Cat Fight turning the tables there, as Dark Steel looks to be struggling. Can they keep the menacing monstrosity pinned down?”
The energy in the crowd is electric and as the music continues to pound chants erupt from all sides. A particularly vocal section of the crowd are screaming at the top of their lungs for the cats, but Crash and Blade seem to have other ideas.
Crash barks orders at Mechagraviton, which has slowly floated into range of the melee. There is a warping of the air and Slime Kitty appears to congeal back into a ball, some unseen force pressing it into a less goopy shape. With a tremendous heave, Dark Steel clambers to its feet, causing Slime Kitty to tumble away. Jaws of Defeat bobs its heads from side to side, judging the distance for a leap, but Blade shouts “DARK GLARE!” and the imposing figure's impassive stare causes Jaws to hesitate briefly and decide to dash away to get some space.
With both teams regrouping to clash once more, one of the Arena lights focuses down into a bright spot near Cat Fight, and begins to dance enticingly across the floor. For a brief moment it seems like both have gotten distracted, but Pluck shouts down to the pair of them with a resounding “NO!”. The two scolded cats instantly refocus, evidently extremely attentive to the training they had been given, and even as a cover is drawn back and a large pile of fish is revealed on one side of the Arena, they resolutely ignore the tempting distractions.
Crash and Blade confer with each other up in the stands, seeming to agree that now is a good time to strike as one. In unison they cry “DARKNESS FALLS!” and the chant for the supermove is taken up around the Arena. The spinning wheel between Mechagraviton's wings speeds up and Dark Steel is flung high into the air. The crowd hushes for a moment, waiting for the inevitable slam.
Slime Kitty dashes forwards, taking the opportunity at incredible speed and attempts to goop up Mechagraviton's legs. The momentary distraction seems to be just enough - rather than a direct impact, Dark Steel slams into the ground barely grazing Jaws of Defeat, which is flung across the Arena by the impact. It tumbles into the Arena wall and lies stunned, missing one of its heads.
“It's looking like that might be a knockout, fight fans! An incredible Darkness Falls combo, and Jaws of Defeat is down. Looks like the umpire is already counting it out!”
As the Umpire hits eight on the count, Jaws of Defeat twitches. The crowd erupts in cheering. Barely getting to its feet before it can be counted out, it seems that the lost head was mostly-regrown with incredible speed and with a few careful steps Jaws of Defeat begins to totter back towards the fight. Meanwhile, Mechagraviton appears to have picked up the isolated Slime Kitty, the air and Arena lighting bending in weird directions.
“Can't count the cat out! But what's this?! Mechagraviton definitely seems to have enough room to swing a cat in this Arena, fight fans! Is Slime Kitty being centrifuged?”
Slime Kitty loses its grip on Mechagraviton and begins to spin, and spin, and spin, and for a moment seems to stretch out with the force. A moment later Jaws of Defeat rejoins the fight and jumps onto Mechagraviton's face, distracting and disorienting the monster enough that Slime Kitty spins out across the Arena.
“Looks like Slime Kitty's safe for the moment, but it's struggling to maintain its form. Is it confused? I know my head would be spinning after that attack, fight fans!”
Dark Steel plods implacably over to the pile of goop and picks it up, pulling it onto its chest with its arms.
“Dark Steel looking to put in the final blow, crushing and impaling Slime Kitty on its spikes there! Meanwhile Mechagraviton fighting off Jaws of Defeat, who seems to have made a miracle comeback!”
Jaws of Defeat launches itself in for another attack, but a strong wing movement from Mechagraviton bats it away into a deeper puddle of whatever is making the Arena floor sticky. Jaws attempts to pull one paw up, then another, but can't move. The crowd starts to scream. Pluck is screaming down at Jaws, telling it to get out of there. And Crash, with a huge grin on her face, shouts Team Heavy Metal's signature move.
Dark Steel, still clutching Slime Kitty, rises sharply into the air on a ballistic trajectory. At the top of its arc, the entire Arena goes silent.
Hurtling downwards, Slime Kitty attempts to flow out of Dark Steel's grasp, but it is too late. The duo slam heavily into the ground, and a cloud of dust is thrown into the air. A few seconds pass and the dust settles, revealing a small impact crater where Dark Steel lies atop Cat Fight. The umpire counts the seconds, and the crowd once more erupts into deafening cheering and booing.
“…AND THAT'S THE MATCH, FIGHT FANS! Mechagraviton ending the fight with the DEVASTATING DOUBLE DARKNESS FALLS! It'll be a wonder if there's anything surviving down there! Let's hear it for CAT FIGHT…”
The crowd are united in cheering as Bright and Pluck are ushered into the Arena to collect their monsters. The chant “Cat Fight! Cat Fight! Cat Fight!” picks up as they depart.
“…And your winners: HEAVY METAAAAAAAL!”
The crowd boos as Crash and Blade stand triumphant atop their metal thrones, making offensive gestures and shouting obscenities back at the crowd. Dark Steel stands and Mechagraviton spins, scattering away the various odd boxes and other items littering the Arena floor.
A voice booms out from the Umpire’s box: “NOT THE TIME, JITTER.”
Commentator Jitter laughs self-consciously. “Right. Sorry. Anyway, there’s Maximus, ready for another horrifically violent battle! Maybe he’ll win this time! Maybe I’ll be able to watch him in action without crying!”
A spotlight focuses on a knife-wielding, humanoid figure on one side of the Arena. His nose and mouth are obscured by a grey cloth wrapped around his face, but his eyes are visibly narrowed. On the other side of the Arena, a second spotlight settles on a small tabby cat idly licking one of its front paws.
“And his opponent, THE CAT! Don’t underestimate this thing—once you’ve seen it in action, you know it’s a formidable opponent! Might even take down Maximus for good. I can dream. Let’s start the battle, shall we? 3, 2, 1, BEGIN!”
THE CAT takes a few steps backwards then breaks into a sprint towards Maximus, who readies his knife. As THE CAT enters stabbing range, it tenses its back legs as if to pounce at Maximus’s face, and Maximus begins to swing down with the blade. However, THE CAT diverts its path and leaps to the side at the last minute, then uses the momentum to pounce at Maximus’s back instead—the humanoid Monster is unprepared for this, having fallen for THE CAT’s feint. Maximus manages to shake THE CAT off, but not before it rakes a flurry of vicious paw strikes against his back.
The fight continues with THE CAT darting in circles around the slower Maximus, but a well-placed knife slash catches its hind leg during a sideways leap and THE CAT stumbles for the first time. Maximus advances menacingly towards the prone cat, his eyes blazing with hatred. Just as it seems as if THE CAT is about to be thoroughly stabbed, a strange, heavy scent fills the Arena. There’s a hazy cloud surrounding THE CAT… and also surrounding Maximus, who is twitching oddly. And then, with no warning, Maximus lurches forward.
It’s hard to see everything through the haze, but Maximus and THE CAT appear to be tearing into each other with claws and teeth and knife. Maximus’s coordination is off—several times, he slashes wildly into thin air as THE CAT darts around him—but when it comes to sheer endurance, he clearly has the upper hand. THE CAT begins to tire, and Maximus takes the opportunity to grab it by the scruff of its neck with his free hand before forcefully flinging it out of the haze.
The audience gasps as THE CAT goes flying, hits the Arena wall and falls limp to the ground. The fog in the Arena clears and Maximus comes into clear view once again. His clothes are torn to shreds, but the inner surface of the ‘fabric’ hanging from his torso looks remarkably like flesh. As if the scene wasn’t distressing enough, his eyes are still burning and vengeful above the cloth wrapped around his face. He begins to shamble towards the audience stands, knife raised.
Commentator Jitter clears their throat. “Ten seconds! That’s ten seconds, the fight is over! Great job, Maximus! Can someone please subdue him?!”
A team of handlers rush in, Xenon at the ready. One of them manages to inject the vial into the side of Maximus’s neck and he falls still, knife fixed in the air. The rest of the handling team sighs with relief and begins tugging Maximus out of the Arena.
Suddenly the knife plunges downwards, right into the chest of the anaesthetist. Maximus shudders back to full consciousness far, far too quickly, his knife arm a blur as he swings wildly at the handling team. Screams begin to erupt from the audience, and there’s the loud, distinct sound of somebody—presumably Commentator Jitter—breathing rapidly into a paper bag.
Maximus stands amidst a pile of corpses. He looks down at his handiwork, looks back up at the terrified audience, and launches an attempt to climb the Arena walls into the stands.
There’s mass panic now, and the audience members wealthy enough to have been able to afford a front row seat are scrambling over each other to escape. As they run to the aisle, they collide with a figure charging in the opposite direction, towards the murderous Maximus. Gintrap pushes past the fleeing audience members and grabs a Monster House box from a now-vacant seat as she runs.
Maximus has gained a foothold and manages to pull himself up towards the front row, towards Gintrap who is holding something aloft above him. He raises his knife again, ready to sink it into the top of the wall and hoist himself over, but… his sharp tip of his knife fails to make contact. There’s a split second in which he looks utterly baffled, then he falls backwards into the Arena. Flat on his back, he blinks once, twice, then his eyes close and he falls unconscious at last.
His arm is splayed out to the side, a squishy Doughball figurine jammed onto the tip.
The crowd roars their appreciation. The Arena floor is strewn with drifts of old world debris. Old rusted devices, corrugated metal, broken vehicles and more. An unimaginable volume of worthless scrap must have been moved in here by Maintenance.
“First up, (almost) everyone’s favourite robo-reptile has been soaring in the league as it’s opponents plummet into the ground. Could everyone please give a hand to Mechagraviton.”
The entrance to the Arena opens and Mechagraviton floats slowly into view. A great metal wheel floats between its wings, revolving slowly and occasionally sparking purple energy. Mechagraviton roars, a scratchy synthetic sound that splits the air. Small pieces of junk around it begins to levitate, caught in the dragon’s gravitic field.
“Facing off against them the monster that all Gladiators fear to face, the mechanical monster that has taken more human lives in recent memory than any other, Annihalatron!”
Annihalatron wheels into the Arena, a rusty cylinder riding awkwardly on who wheels, topped with a large sphere, two lamplight eyes and a graffiti smile. From the cylinder emerge two long segmented tubes that terminate in two enormous pairs of shears. They are still brown with the dried blood of it’s many victims.
It looks up an the crowd, it’s face an impassive mask. It turns from side to side, as if confused, before rolling unsteadily towards the dragon.
Mechagraviton looks back towards it’s trainer as Annihalatron approaches. Crash nods. The metal dragon rises a little further in the air, rearing back as if on its hind legs. The air is filled with a base hum as the wheel between its wings begins to spin faster and faster. All around the two monsters scrap begins lifting into the air. It’s an awesome display of Arechotech power.
Annihalatron tries to reach down for the ground but finds it’s shears unsuitable for gaining purchase on the ground. It floats upside down before Mechagraviton, Reaching out and snipping half heartedly. There is almost something sad about the usually horrifying monster caught so completely out of its element: it seems to lack any mechanism at all to deal with this type of attack. Mechagraviton stares at it’s fellow machine for a long moment.
And then Annihalatron starts to fall.
A wave of force rips through the Arena as Annihalatron and everything floating around it are hurled to the floor. The old robot slams into the ground at an awkward angle, it’s spherical head snapping to the side, showing sparks, one eye smashed shut. Mechagraviton lifts it into the air again. The other machine jerkliy moves to snap at the dragon. It doesn’t get far before it comes crashing into the ground again. The shears on it’s left arm get caught between its body and an old truck. There is an metallic snap as they break.
The crowd roars their approval for the mechanical bloodbath.
The Umpire can be seen having frantic words with Crash, who calls there monster off.
“Uh… I guess that’s it then? A decisive victory for Mechagraviton and Crash. Their opponent never stood a chance.”
The still hostile Annihalatron is Xenoned as even in this weakened state it tries to attack the handlers that come to recover it, and The Executioner seems unwilling or unable to do anything about that behaviour.
As the monsters are herded from the arena, an army of Creative Branch setbuilders swarm from the arena backstage, and assemble the maze. As well as the obstacles and traps of the previous incarnation, there is a tunnel to the monster pens which is not quite inconspicuous enough, and an array of flexible tubes leading up to the stands.
Trend and Cart take the stage to thunderous applause.
“Stakeholders, are you ready to GET. IN. THE. PIT!”
The applause is almost deafening. They are ready.
“We've got a couple of new and exciting changes to the format for you this time around. Trend, why don't you tell them how they can help?”
“Thanks Cart - wandering through the stands, you'll find our friendly salesfolk selling merch for each of our contestants. You'll also have noticed that each of them has a trio of tubes! Once the maze starts, dropping your merch into the right tube will give your favourite contestant more time to find their prize - or give you more time to watch your least favourite flail around in the maze. They'll have five minutes to start, but you can push that as long as you want.”
“But first you need to know who you're cheering for! In the red corner, you know her as the grand champion, and trainer of Volcanosaurus - but let's see how she does in the arena herself! CINDER!”
Cinder has years of practice in making an entrance, and it shows. She leaps up to her starting platform, her cloak hitting the light just so and making her seem like a phoenix rising from the dead in a burst of flame. She basks in the crowd's applause, and they fall silent at a quick gesture from her as Cart introduces the next contestant.
“Later this week their monsters will be fighting in the arena, but tonight our next contestant will be going head to head with Cinder right here. Who knows, maybe one of them will find just the right thing to turn the tables in their match? She's sped out of nowhere on the back of a sleek chrome speed machine, coming in at ramming speed it's SPROCKET!”
Sprocket keenly hops up onto her platform. The applause isn't quite as all-consuming as Cinder received, but the fans who are cheering are cheering loud and calling out motivation.
“And finally, last but not least, someone who is no stranger to being in the arena itself - let's see if her skill at fighting the monsters helps her here. She's got a fair bit of 'tech already, but she's here wanting more. Please give it up for OMEGA!”
There's a gasp as a wire shoots up from backstage, hooking onto one of the higher up struts of the maze, and then Omega shoots up and swings onto her platform as the crowd roars - though this time there are a good number of boos mixed in with the applause.
“Alright folks, get ready to drop those models in the tubes. It's time to GET. IN. THE. PIT!”
Omega is first off the mark, her harness quickly lifting her to the top of the maze in a blue streak. Cinder isn't far behind, a red shimmer darting to the heart of the maze. Sprocket is the slowest of the three, but eagerly scrambles into the fray.
As the contestants explore their surroundings, the crowd sends a steady stream of merchandise down the tubes. A herd of model Volcanosauruses stampede in support of Cinder. An army of Omegas leap into the fray to help their much larger role model. A biker gang of Nyoominators parade through the tubes, riding to Sprocket's aid. The crowd gasps and “ooh”s as the special effects on the tubes go off - flames spouting from every few dozen Volcanosauri as Cinder's clock ticks up, Nyoominators occasionally diverting down a different path to launch up ramps into flips and other stunts, and model Omegas swinging from their hooks through it all, barely missing the scorching flames or the arcing chrome missiles.
Cinder is methodical in her search, hopping from room to room and pushing her way into every nook and cranny, occasionally drawing a cheer from the crowd as she holds up some shiny bit of tech. Omega is swinging from the scaffolding above the maze, surveying the field for any glimmer of silver or glow of ancient lighting. Sprocket is bouncing through, collinding with almost every corner and obstacle, yet somehow making progress.
Omega swings down, she's clearly spotted something, but as she goes to grab it there's a rumbling in the heart of the maze.
“Oh, didn't we mention? We have a very special fourth guest for you tonight. The former lightweight champion, taking a break in the Arena before it comes back in to the Heavyweight championship next week….. WRECKATAR!”
Omega turns just as Wreckatar curls up and does its trademark roll towards her. She snatches the archeotech she noticed, and shoots out a line to swing up and out of danger.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the maze, Sprocket is knocked down by the rumbling of Wreckatar's entrance. She falls, landing on one of her own pieces of archeotech that she brought in with her.
VWOOOoooo…
There's a series of mournful “phut”s as all the tech in the maze shuts down, in an expanding circle around Sprocket. Cinder yelps as one of her prizes sparks and she drops it. Omega is left hanging as the winch on her harness stops pulling - she gets enough momentum to stay ahead of the rolling ball of destruction, and hits the emergency release, catapulting her just ahead of the monster.
The harness sparks as Omega frantically tries to coax some life back into it, sprinting down one of the maze's many halls, tring to find a side door or some other way out. The path curves, and Sprocket is right ahead - with still no way to dodge in sight.
Everything happens at once - Omega grabs Sprocket's wrist, and finally coaxes a last little bit of life out of her harness, pulling them forward and making some room between them and the rolling hulk behind them. Cider drops into the hallway, cloak flaring and arm held forward, palm up. With a strong, firm voice she yells “HALT!”. The crowd gasps, expecting to see their hero smeared across the arena floor, but at her word Wreckatar unrolls and skids to a stop, claws tearing furrows in the arena floor, finishing close enough for Cinder to give it a companionable pat on the snout.
There is a moment of stunned silence, and then the crowd erupts. The cheering drowns out the sound of the timers finally running out, one by one (Sprocket, then Omega, than Cinder). Wreckatar is led out of the maze by the arena handlers, and the contestants emerge.
“Well folks, I think you'll agree that was a hell of a show! Now let's see what our contestants managed to pick up!”
Sprocket steps forward to try out the few peices she gathered, but one by one they spark, smoke, or burst into flames. It's pretty clear that being at the epicenter of whatever she triggered was too much for them.
Cinder steps up. Most of what she's gathered suffers the same fate, but one piece turns out to be a spherical lantern, which shines brightly for a few moments. Unfortunately, as she holds it high for the crowd to see, it burns out.
Omega brings out the peice she spotted. Its certainly the best looking of the things recovered from the maze - a box about a foot on each side, with four long slots which extend right into the box as if it is the socket for something, each with a network of coils inside. When she pushes the lever on the side, the coils heat up, and a couple of minutes later the lever pops back up with a *KERCHUNK*. With a little experimentation, she finds that she can put small flammable items in the slots, the coils will set them on fire, and when the lever pops back up a small platform in each slot will launch the flaming items a small distance. The dial on the side seems to change how long it takes the lever to pop up - probably for items which are harder to set alight, or to allow traps to be set.
While the testing was somewhat muted, the audience's reaction as the show closes definitely says that this is something they will remember for a long time.
The fight begins, MonoChrome charging across the Arena, horned head down, as Victory Viper's gleaming body slithers lithely out of the way. A dance begins, the long, glistening scaled length of Victory Viper's body dodging out of the way of every charge MonoChrome makes.
The sleek form of the snake, glimmering under the Arena lights, makes for a magical contrast with the fluffy, yet solid mass of the charging sheep. The contrast only heightens when Victory Viper lands a jab, and MonoChrome's fleece begins to shred away, leaving a black, tarry skeleton charging across the Arena. In the stands, there is a mixture of wild cheering, scattered boos, and stunned gasps.
Victory Viper dodges and dances, clearly aware of what that tar will do to it if it touches it, and flings up black sand from the Arena floor, coating MonoChrome so that when Victory Viper takes a swipe with its tail at the sheep, it doesn't stick. Bowled across the floor, MonoChrome bleats angrily, and its body begins to disappate further, until it's nothing more than a cloud of white gas, expanding to conceal Victory Viper from the audience, as the sheep's skull floats above it all, glaring balefully at the assembled crowds.
Glimmers of scales flicker in the mist, as flailing coils of Victory Viper's body emerge, shimmering and ethereal, from the mist. It is flailing and struggling, attacking thin air rather than its opponent, but it's not out yet.
MonoChrome's body reforms, and it begins charging the flagging Viper once again. Viper's dodges slow, inexorably, until eventually, exhausted, it can't move quick enough, and collapses to the floor, kicking up a puff of sand. MonoChrome stops, inches away from Viper, and does a victory prance as the crowd cheer and the Umpire counts down.
The crowd cheer as the monsters pace in their corners, each keeping themselves in check until the fight begins. The arena has been decked out with tall poles, with thick canvas shelters interspersed between them.
“Let the fight BEGIN!”
Titch scrambles up the nearest pole, gliding from post to post across the arena, sailing towards Murk like death on wings. Murk watches its flight, and lumbers towards the nearest shelter.
As Titch closes the distance, it swoops down towards its furry prey, aiming for a gap in the canvas only just big enough even for the tiny monster. Its wings fold back as it dives in like a bullet - but Murk's jaws tug on the canvas just in time, pulling it down and ensnaring Titch in the makeshift net. Murk makes good work of his advantage, keeping Titch tangled and dragging it around the arena.
There's a murmur in the stands as people notice Noggin approaching the umpire's chair, speaking just low enough that the crowd can't hear, but gesticulating wildly.
Murk tugs the sheet around, with Titch still tangled up and struggling to get out, it's body blending in to the similarly coloured fabric.
“MURK WINS!”
The crowd gasps in shock at the premature declaration, and there are darker murmurings and the occasional BOO! as the arena staff move in to remove the monsters. The commentator confers with the umpire for a moment, then the crowd hushes as she rises to speak.
“Well folks, it seems that the umpire was convinced that it was just the sheet moving, not Titch, and as we know their decision is final.”
Another round of boos, with projectiles being thrown at the umpire, commentator, and into the arena (where Murk eagerly snaffles up anything edible - or at least edible by the standards of arena refreshments).
Omnisquid floats inert in a cloud of Xenon, Pepper underneath it wrapped in a cloak of spines, blood pooling around the little weasel.
“… what… what happened?” Beam asks. “Oh my gosh, Pepper! Someone get a doctor down there! I… guess… Omnisquid wins.”
“Well, folks, I hope you're sitting comfortably! Not that this is likely to be a long one; Pork Scratchings is rapidly turning into the new Giant Block of Wood. Maybe DOOMATROS will be able to make it sit up and take notice, though? Let's find out, Monster fans!”
Pork Scratchings trots out into the arena, “SPAM” painted on his flank in tall, bright red letters visible from the furthest reaches of the stand. He does a little pirouette, showing off to the whole audience. Confused whispers go up across the stands, with one or two scattered voices trying to set up a chant of “SPAM, SPAM, SPAM”, though the noise is quickly swallowed by the vastness of the arena.
“What even is Spam?” asks the commentator, rhetorically, and Square Peg's attempt to shout an answer to that question is drowned out by their moving on to announce the other competitor. “Sounds delicious, whatever it is, but we've a fight to be getting on with! Introducing, every monster's worst nightmare, the one, the only, DOOMATROS!”
Doomatros stalks into the Arena, tilting its head to look at its opponent as the fight commences. Square Peg cheers Pork Scratchings on as it lies down emphatically in the middle of the Arena, looking defiantly up at its opponent.
The two monsters make eye contact as the Umpire counts down.
Pork Scratchings whimpers, but holds its ground.
“…SEVEN, SIX, FIVE…”
Pork Scratchings is shivering now.
“…FOUR, THREE, TWO…”
Pork Scratchings squeals, breaking eye contact with Doomatros and bolting across the Arena, as if pursued by something. It reaches the Arena wall, where a Max Taste's Monster House poster hangs, looks up at it with an expression of utter horror, then turns and runs again. Another poster, on the far wall, Monster House again - the pig continues to panic.
Square Peg calls reassurance from the trainer's box, calming the pig down, and it lies down again, this time with its eyes firmly closed throughout the countdown.
As soon as the Umpire calls the fight in Doomatros's favour, chatter goes up from the stands; as the audience draws conclusions. Pork Scratchings is a - frustratingly, given all it ever does is lie down on command - well-trained monster, why would it draw attention to those posters if it wasn't being used for advertising? Suddenly, SPAM makes sense. It must be a new product!
“SPAM, SPAM, SPAM,” the chant goes up again, “WE WANT SPAM!”.
“I have leaflets!” Square Peg shouts, from where she's comforting her shivering monster.
Orange-black thunderclouds roil over the Arena, reducing light to near night levels. The wind is high, muffeling the roar of the crowd. The small figure of Beam can be seen on the announcers platform hanging suspended high over the centre of the Arena, hair blowing in the breeze, the platform beneath her rocking violently. The Arena has been split into four rocky Plateaus, separated by chasms that descend into fathomless darkness.
“First off! Slap Time! Trainers Suture and Wonder have teamed up to bring us a new double team that has been raising through the ranks and has now come to challenge the reigning champions. Give it up for Dozer and Armageddon.”
The two monsters make their way out into the Arena. Dozer, by far the larger of the two, a giant lizard whose skin is like metallic armor; the smaller Armageddon a monsterous train of arms and hands. The normally sedentary reptile seems wide awake for this match though, heading up to the precipice of it’s plateau. Suture and Wonder make their way onto the platform, facing down the high winds.
“They’ll be facing off against the reigning champions Block and Tackle. Despite recent personal problems Block and Tackle have continued to dominate the double team league. Make some noise for their monsters, Doomigator and Thunderzilla!”
Red lightning flashes in the sky overhead. There is a roar from the far side of the Arena. The gates begin to creak slowly open, revealing the forms of the monsters. Doomigator enters, an immense six-legged crocadiloid, leaving a trail of glowing waste in its wake. The immense beast stands out strikingly in the darkness of the day, and it bellows with murderous fury as it enters the Arena. The crowd explodes with cheers.
Following is a creature that mirrors the raging storm above. Black clouds conspire to hide the figure of Thunderzilla. Only occasional sparks of purple lightning reveal the hunched reptilian figure as it stalks into the arena.
Block and Tackle enter onto the stage. The two bump fists and pose for the crowd. They radiate confidence as they take their places.
A fine, hot rain begins to fall.
“Good luck everyone! Let the fight begin!”
A bell marks the commencement of the fight, barely audible above the roaring crowd and howling wind.
The four monsters begin separated across different plateaus. Dozer and Armageddon immediately begin to move cautiously towards each other, while Thunderzilla and Doomigator split up and race for their opponents.
The reigning champions take running leaps, the monsters immense strength sending them sailing over the chasms. They quickly interpose themselves between Dozer and Armageddon. Doomigator looks back at it’s companion, a savage grin that betrays the creature’s viscous cunning spreading across its face.
Doomigator begins to move in towards Dozer. The two are well matched in size, but as Doomigator begins to move in aggressively the gentler Dozer momentarily adopts a submissive posture and takes a step back.
Thunderzilla likewise moves in towards Armageddon. The monster of arms and legs scuttles to avoid the crackling lightning bolts as they ark off the larger beast.
“Oh no! It looks like Doomstorm has their opponents separated.”
Suture yells from the stands and seeing it’s parter menaced by Tuinderzilla, Dozer rushes the other reptile. The two rear up biting and scratching at each other. Doomigator’s claws leave glowing green streaks across Dozer’s armored hide. Struggling to pierce the armored flesh, Doomigator screams hideously and heaves, flinging Dozer over onto its back. The gentler lizard tries to write itself but Doomigator leaps onto it, pinning it with it’s two rear legs. Doomigator grabs Dozer’s head between its two foreclaws and begins repeatedly slamming it into the rocky floor.
Armageddon scampers further and further away, dodging arks of lightning. Thunderzilla rumbles a laugh as it moves in, predatory. Armageddon seems skittish of the monster after it’s previous experience of electrocution. It retreats, retreats again. Eventually it is pushed up against the wall of the Arena. Desperate it launches itself into the cloud of lightning. It emerges sparking the other side a moment later, scorched and twitching.
Block takes the mike. “Is that all you got?” They ask, laughing. Block and Tackle whistle and their two monsters retreat, letting a bruised Dozer and Armageddon meet up.
“Oh no, I know what’s coming now,” Beam cries.
“Let’s finish this,” yells Tackle. “Doomstorm!”
Thunderzilla moves up to Doomigator, and plunges it’s arms into the nuclear material that covers its allies back. At once the tempest about it begins to swirl more violently. Long arks of lightning begin to streak out, and a hot, electric wind begin to blow off the pair.
As the wind rises to a gale Dozer digs its claws into the ground, lowering it’s armoured head. The smaller Armageddon anchors itself on the armored lizard’s rear leg. The announcers stand begins to shake violently as the storm around Thunderzilla expands. Thick bolts of lightning strike out at random, causing explosions of concrete from the walls and stands. Screaming fans throw themselves to cover. The unnatural hurricane blows off Thunderzilla with such force even the clouds in the sky above begin to yield, a single thin ray of light falling down on the Arena.
Dozer struggles mightily against the winds. The rocky corners of the plateau begin to crumble under the force, sending shards of earth and stone smashing off the lizards hide. Slowly, with a great creak that shakes the Arena to its foundation the plateau beneath Dozer and Armageddon begins to yield, tilting up in the air as to crush the pair against the concrete walls of the Arena.
Almost inaudible a gunshot rings out. The storm begins to subside as the reigning champions slump over in a cloud of Xenon. The plateau that Dozer and Armageddon were on slowly falls back into place with a quake. The two monsters lie in a pile on the broken earth.
“The Umpire has called the match for the protection of Dozer and Armageddon! Thank goodness. Doomstorm wins!”
Jaws of Defeat and Slime Kitty are playing, yes, playing, in the Arena. And they're having a whale of a time! Jumping off pads, flying through the air, bouncing off strings, getting caught in yarn, and for some reason both of them are wearing party hats. The scent of catnip still wafts through the air, and the hydra-like Jaws of Defeat is seen batting a springy ball with its many heads while Slime Kitty slimes along a ramp for the tenth time.
It's adorable, but eventually Jaws of Defeat loses interest in the toys and rounds upon Slime Kitty to see what it's up to. It's… floating. Floating is the right word for this. It seems that the water has made Slime Kitty lose a little bit of structure, and the audience finds this adorable. Jaws seems to be concerned for Slime Kitty, but being reminded that this is an Arena, it focuses its attention and bats Slime Kitty along the water, until it slides up a ramp onto dry land and begins reforming. Jaws comes and bats it again and Slime Kitty falls over. The audience go “Awww” and JAWS OF DEFEAT is announced as the victor.
Green Genie bounces into the Arena, as the gelatinous mass of Blue Lagoon is poured in from an upper hatch, showcasing its malleable form as it flows in and slides across the ground into full view of the crowd. “These guys might look unappealing, but let's see if they can cover themselves in glory as well as goop!”
From the opposite side of the Arena, MonoChrome prances in, fleece brushed out to maximum fluffiness, and followed by the socky bulk of Footsie. “And their opponents, TEAM LOOM! They might look cute and fluffy - oh, and they are - but these guys pack a real punch! Everything has it's dark side, isn't that right, folks?”
From the trainers' stands, Blanket leans out to yell “Sock it to those slimeballs, Footsie!” and the monster waves in acknowledgement.
“Right, let's cut the chatter, and…FIGHT!”
The fight begins tamely enough, with the trainers mostly leaving their monsters to do their own thing - and Blanket heckling his opponents.
Blue Lagoon slides forward to meet Footsie, and the two of them grapple in what looks more like a cuddle than a fight. There is loud “aaaw”-ing from the stands. Meanwhile, Green Genie and MonoChrome lock horns, Green Genie smearing slime into MonoChrome's fleece. Then, Genie disengages, going to help its teammate.
Genie, Footsie, and Blue Lagoon roll around on the arena floor in an increasingly slimy scrum, until MonoChrome intervenes, charging in and knocking Genie flying across the arena.
Before it can recover, Footsie has struggled to its feet, despite Blue Lagoon clinging to its lower folds. It picks up MonoChrome, and hurls the bleating sheep across the Arena at Green Genie.
While MonoChrome is still in the air, Footsie pulls out its Meltinator! Blue Lagoon tries to knock the weapon's aim off as Footsie trains it on Genie and MonoChrome, but Footsie has already pulled the trigger by the time Lagoon manages to wrestle the weapon off it and toss it to one side.
The Meltinator's blast hits Green Genie full blast, just as MonoChrome hits. The slime oozing from Green Genie's horn catches fire instantly, a jet of flame spouting from its head. MonoChrome's slime-soaked fleece catches instantly, shredding away to leave a tar-coated skeleton, which proceeds to kick and butt Green Genie mercilessly.
“W…well, this certainly is a change of pace!” the announcer manages, as the arena fills with the smell of smoke and tar. Green Genie's fur is sticking to MonoChrome's tarry coating, and it's trapped, bouncing up and down with every kick. Meanwhile, the tar itself is catching light, and MonoChrome becoming a blazing skeleton, with one baleful, panicky eye rolling in the middle of its forehead.
Footsie wades into the fight, Blue Lagoon releasing its hold and backing away. The huge sock only pummels Genie briefly before the slime worked into its fibres earlier catches light, and patches of its woven body begin to smoke and smoulder.
Meanwhile, Green Genie is trying to shake itself loose from MonoChrome, growing angrier and angrier and more on fire. The flashes of green visible through the growing cloud of smoke grow less and less frequent, replaced by glimpses of angry red.
MonoChrome staggers and stumbles, the flame eating away at the tar covering its bones, and the smoke making its third eye water and blink as it falls to its knees.
Footsie flings itself on the fire, perhaps in an attempt to smother it, but only succeeds in setting light to more of itself. Punching through the fibres of its blackening body comes something more or less recognizable as Green Genie, and yet…not. Green Genie's green fur has been replaced by scarlet hide, and its one horn has grown into two long, spiralling horns, both of them blazing at the tips like torches.
Footsie collapses in a smoking pile, and a single button eye on a scorched thread rolls out, bouncing off out of the Arena.
Arena staff rush in to subdue Green - Red - Genie, and turn fire extinguishers on the losing team.
The two Monsters are pushed through their respective Arena doors, and glare at each other. Gigazaur settles all four stony legs on the ground, and bares its huge teeth. The Hedgehog shuffles slightly, emanating evil.
The word “Commence” is barely out of the commentator's mouth - in fact, it might not actually have been out of the commentator's mouth - before The Hedgehog charges. Heavy, bristly, and screeching, Gigazaur has time to blink one of its huge eyes before its face is impaled. The Hedgehog jumps flat-out, full-on, and smashes into the whole of Gigazaur's face, covering it snout to ears.
Gigazaur falls over. The Hedgehog continues assaulting it.
“Well, The Hedgehog must've been watching Gigazaur's last fight - or maybe Gigazaur is just not good with spiky things! You're watching The Hedgehog's first victory, folks! Cease! Er… Cease! It's been twenty seconds. Still awesome, but cease! Can the Trainer…. ooo… ouch … can the Trainer … oh, it's making THAT noise again! I suggest our audience in the lower stands cover their ears as The Hedgehog does its awesome thing. Maybe… uh oh … Gigazaur may have lost, but it still needs to fight again… ah. More handlers, excellent. It's all part of this super awesome show, I gu —- WATCH YOURSELF. Oh, no! MEDIC! Where is that thing's Trainer?! MEDIC! I suggest the lower stalls of the audience depart in a calm and organised manner. Calm and organised, folks. MORE NETS! Oh, now the noise is reaching up here. That's quite, quite unpleasant. I suggest we in the middle stalls - aaargh! ahem - evacuate too. Right. This has been a super awesome performance, folks, but, ah, your Commentator is going to have to, ooof, have to s-s-s-s-ign oooooouch….”
From one end of the Arena enters THE TENT, its bright colours slowly shifting from an anticipatory red and white to an eye-melting orange and green. The crowd cheers as it opens its huge maw, revealing a vast array of needle-like teeth.
Entering from the other side, Pepper darts through the entrance, its fur shining even more slickly than usual in the Arena lighting. It locks eyes with Saffron, sat in the Trainers' stands, and starts to circle the edge of the Arena with a methodical pace.
“LET THE BATTLE COMMENCE!”
The initial burst of cheering gives way to a low, building energy in the crowd as it's clear that Pepper is looking for a good vantage point, slowly circling THE TENT as it attempts to close the distance. Though THE TENT moves with remarkable speed for a monster more reminiscent of a building than a creature, Pepper keeps darting away and maintaining the distance.
On Saffron's command Pepper's fur reforms into spikes which dart out, punching into the canvas sides of THE TENT and only appearing to enrage it more. In response, THE TENT lunges forwards at Pennythrift's urging, attempting to snap at the smaller creature before it can dodge. Pepper seems to have anticipated the move, however, and barely dodges at the last moment.
The fight continues for a while in this vein, with Pepper slowly and methodically trying to maintain distance between the two and THE TENT occasionally getting close enough to put on a burst of speed. Each lunge ratchets up the tension and the crowd begin cheering at each attempt.
As the fight progresses it rapidly becomes clear that the repeated attempts to catch the smaller and faster weasel-like creature is tiring THE TENT, which starts to move more and more slowly, with Pepper finding it easier and easier to maintain the distance. A few more volleys of spikes are visibly taking their toll on THE TENT, which pulls back at Pennythrift's urging to regroup. As it does so, the colours on the outside shift to a deep blue and gold, and the crowd erupt in cheering at the display. Meanwhile, Pepper pads forward hoping to take advantage of the opening.
Suddenly, almost from nowhere, THE TENT summons a reserve of energy and bursts forward faster than anyone could anticipate. So fast, in fact, that when it clamps its jaws down it has managed to engulf Pepper entirely! The crowd go wild, and the ravenous beast somehow manages to look satisfied with itself.
“Could this be it, fight fans? Has THE TENT caught the challenger off guard, lulling her into a false sense of security? The Umpire is looking to start counting, if they believe that's the last we'll see of Pepper this fight!”
Saffron from the stands is in danger of falling over the side as she takes a deep breath and screams at the top of her lungs, “PEPPER! IMMOLATE!”
A dull WHUMF sound echoes around the walls of the Arena, and a strange yellowish-orange light spills from under THE TENT and out of its mouth. Suddenly flames lick from around the underside of THE TENT and it opens its mouth in a wordless scream to reveal a Pepper-shaped fireball, the much-smaller monster ignited and causing an inferno within THE TENT's canvas. It bursts out under the back as THE TENT slowly collapses on itself and the umpire begins a count.
“THERE YOU HAVE IT, FIGHT FANS! A spectacular ending to the fight if I may say so. Let's hear it for your victor, PEPPER!”
The crowd cheers once more as Pepper darts up the Arena walls and nestles itself in Saffron's shoulders. Meanwhile the last of the fire within THE TENT is smothered and the singed monster is helped from the Arena by Pennythrift and some Arena technicians.
As the commentator's artificially amplified voice fills the stands, the crowd erupt into exciteable cheers. Recent, very public disputes between supposed teammates Thistle and Khaos have rendered this something of a hotly-anticipated fight.
“THESE TWO MONSTERS WILL BE COMPETING IN THE DOUBLE TEAM CHAMPIONSHIP AS TEAM SHARDS FALLING - BUT WORD IS, THEIR TRAINERS HAVE BEEN DOING NOTHING BUT FALLING OUT! ARE THEY FRIENDLY RIVALS? ENEMIES FORCED BY CIRCUMSTANCE TO COOPERATE? BOSOM PALS, CAUGHT IN A TRAGIC, IRRECONCILABLE DISPUTE? IT'S HARD TO SAY! THISTLE - HAVE YOU ANY COMMENT TO MAKE ON RUMOURS THAT THERE MIGHT BE TROUBLE IN PARADISE BETWEEN YOU AND KHAOS?”
Up-and-coming Trainer Thistle regards the commentator calmly. “The fact that I take certain issue with Khaos' stance on Block and Tackle's current team trajectory doesn't mean this won't be a fair fight,” she says.
“VERY INTERESTING! KHAOS - WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY TO THAT?”
Khaos steps forward. “Um. Wow. We are going to have words. But for now - KK is going to crush you!”
“Bring it.”
“Consider it fuckin' brought.”
“AMAZING!” cuts in the commentator. “SO MANY QUESTIONS UNANSWERED ABOUT THIS DYNAMIC. I, FOR ONE, AM ON THE EDGE OF MY SEAT! WELL, FOLKS - WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LET'S INTRODUCE OUR COMPETITORS! IN THE LEFT CORNER, WE HAVE EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE CRYSTALLINE SMASHING MACHINE… KRYSTALKOOOOOORPIOOOON!”
Screams from the crowd. Krystalkorpion is currently the favourite to win in this match; word has been going around that Thorn's inexperience may be its downfall. The large, sparkling scorpion rears up and catches the light, much to the audience's glee.
“AND ON THE RIGHT - THIS SCRAPPY, SCARY BALL OF SPIKES HAS BEEN SOARING UP THE LEAGUES! EVERYONE GIVE A WELCOME TO… THOOOOORN!”
Even considering the rumours surrounding Thorn's inexperience, it has always been a favourite with the Fans. The cheers for this strangely charismatic, spike-strewn Monster are equally enthusiastic - combined with laughter when it irritatedly lashes out one of its spiny limbs in the audience's direction.
“WILL THIS MATCH FINALLY SETTLE WHATEVER HAS COME BETWEEN KHAOS AND THISTLE? LET'S FIND OUT! LET THE FIGHT… COMMENCE!”
There is a slight moment of hesitation once both Monsters are released. Then, Krystalkorpion goes scuttling at high speed towards Thorn, its tail swinging threateningly through the air.
Thorn, again, seems to hesitate for a moment. This proves to be its undoing: it misses the crucial moment in which to defend itself, and Krystalkorpion collides with its spike-encrusted body.
Both Monsters go skidding across the Arena. The impact appears to galvanise Thorn; with a frustrated SCREEEEEEE, it lashes several of its lethal branches against Krystalkorpion in an effort to shake it off. Whilst the spikes do nothing to penetrate Krystalkorpion's hardened exoskeleton, as the much larger Monster, Thorn has a significant advantage; the former is flung about twenty feet away.
What Krystalkorpion lacks in size, though, it makes up for in speed. Thorn's spiny limbs are incredibly fast, but it largely seems to stay in one place; Krystalkorpion, meanwhile, is able to use the distance to gain momentum. It comes hurtling towards Thorn once again.
Thorn lunges; Krystalkorpion scuttles and dodges. One shuddering, spiked blow catches it against the side of its tail, but only serves to increase its determination; it aims its heavy tail at Thorn's outstretched branch. Whip-like, Thorn's limb wraps itself around the tail. Using this as leverage, it flings Krystalkorpion into the air again, then slams it hard against the ground.
Krystalkorpion lands heavily on its back. Its little legs flail helplessly as Thorn advances on it.
One heavy, spiked limb extends itself, but slowly. It lashes against Krystalkorpion's belly. Krystalkorpion throws itself violently to the side. Another limb extends; another small shudder from Krystalkorpion.
“WELL, FOLKS, THIS ONE'S A TURN-UP FOR THE BOOKS! IS KRYSTALKORPION BEING… TICKLED?”
From the looks of things, it is indeed. Thorn continues to use its limbs to target Krystalkorpion's stomach. Krystalkorpion makes displeased whirring noises in response, and rocks from side to side.
The crowd gasp in astonishment as, after one particularly violent flail, Krystalkorpion manages to extricate itself from Thorn's grip, pushing itself the right way up.
Ordinarily, it is difficult to identify any particular expressions from Krystalkorpion. However, when it rounds on Thorn, tail lashing, there is no question about it: this Monster is enraged.
Krystalkorpion launches itself at Thorn. They smash into one another at high speed, both recoiling. Thorn gives an indignant SCREEEEEEE, and flails at Krystalkorpion with its limbs.
But then, oddly, the spiky-limbed onslaught seems to slow down. Krystalkorpion stops thrashing about quite as wildly. They are still hitting one another, but not as viciously as before. In fact, there is something almost - well, not gentle, but oddly playful about it.
Thorn bats Krystalkorpion in the face with one of its spines. Krystalkorpion scuttles forward and headbutts Thorn lightly in response. There is definitely very little murderous intent here.
The crowd scarcely seems to know how to take this. Half of the audience are laughing and cheering; the other half, loudly booing.
“Give us a proper fight!”
“Go Team Shards Falling!”
“Disqualify Khaos!”
The umpire looks a little uncertain.
Meanwhile, Thorn has managed to wrap its tendrils around Krystalkorpion, and is now pushing it down against the floor. With all the chittering and screeing, they resemble nothing so much as giggling children.
Only half of the crowd counts down with the commentator as Krystalkorpion is held motionless. The other half is yelling in outrage at the perceived lack of aggression. Numerous people seem to be blaming Khaos specifically for throwing the match.
As the commentator sounds the alarm to indicate that one of the competitors has been held motionless for ten seconds, the Umpire stands. “This is highly irregular,” he begins. The audience give yells of both approbation and disapproval. “If Krystalkorpion has deliberately conceded, then the results of this battle can, indeed must, be called into question…”
At this point, the Rules Lawyer Noggin takes to the stand.
“Might I submit to the umpire's consideration,” he says, politely, “that Khaos, far from deliberately conceding, has fallen to the mercy of subtler battle strategies than we have perhaps ever seen in the Arena before?”
The crowd falls gradually silent. Everyone loves a good bit of Rules Lawyering.
“It is quite clear,” continues Noggin, as the umpire gestures for him to go on, “that Krystalkorpion is a deeply aggressive Monster. It is also clear that Khaos has been determined to win this grudge match from the outset. However, there is one thing he failed to take into account: Thistle is cannier than he gave her credit for.”
There are murmurings from the audience. “That's right - Khaos sucks!” yells one particularly rambunctious person towards the front. Some Fans yell in indignation at this; others, in vehement approval.
“We demand a fair fight!” screams another.
“Thorn has clearly been instructed to lull Krystalkorpion into a false sense of security!” says Noggin, cutting over the crowd triumphantly. “Making false overtures of friendliness, Thorn gained the upper hand by giving the false impression that it did not wish to fight - only to pin the unsuspecting Krystalkorpion to the floor!”
There is a pause. Then, from the back of the audience, a woman with spiked green hair calls: “Yeah - go Thistle!”
This elicits further reaction. “We love Thorn!” cries a middle-aged individual in a Monster House T-shirt.
“Krystalkorpion got owned!” yells a nine-year-old with a surprisingly deep voice.
The Umpire looks torn for a moment. However, it is clear where the crowd's opinion falls. Eventually, with the air of someone forced to make a great concession, he declares: “I accept this ruling. Congratulations to Thorn on its victory!”
“ULTIMATE MONSTER BATTLE ARENA FANS: WELCOME BACK FOR THE FINAL FIGHT OF THIS SECOND ROUND OF SEASON THIRTY-SIX OF MONSTER-ON-MONSTER CHAOS. ARE YOU READY BASTION???”
The crowd roars its appreciation, and there's an amplified engine rev that silences them.
“WE HAVE A HEAVYWEIGHT LEAGUE MATCH FOR YOU TONIGHT, AND ONE HELL OF A MATCH THIS WILL BE. THE CHALLENGER, AGAINST OUR GRAND CHAMPION, IS QUICKLY WINNING FANS FROM NEW AND LONG TIME ARENA FANATICS: TRAINED BY THE FANTASTIC SPROCKET, REV YOUR ENGINES AND RAISE YOUR VOICES FOR THE NYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMIIIINAAAAAATOOOOOOORRRRRRR!!!!!”
The motorbikeish Monster rides into the Arena backwards, doing a doughnut and popping a wheelie as the crowd scream and their approval.
“AND ITS OPPONENT, THE QUEEN OF HEAT, THE MAGISTER OF MAGMA, TH-”
The opposite gate is smashed open with a deafening boom, followed by a deep screaming ROAR that resonates in the soul of everyone in the Arena. Volcanosaurus does NOT look happy: her throat is dripping magma, and her amber eyes are filled with fire and rage, with hot lava of fury pouring out of them. She charges forward, toward Nyoominator, faster than anyone has ever seen her move, not stopping to showboat.
Unfiltered very quickly speaks, “GRAND CHAMPION VOLCANOSAURUS OKAY TWO MONSTERS YEP YADDA YADDA LET BATTLE COMMENCE GO” just in time before Volcanosaurus charges across the arena floor and lands a VOLCANO PUNCH in the floor where Nyoominator was just moments ago. The crowds are unsure at first, but the cheering starts up and a tense battle begins in earnest.
Nyoominator is fast, moving backwards around the Arena keeping one step ahead of Volcanosaurus's furious blows. The volcanic titan is moving faster, and more furiously, than ever before. SMASH a fist misses, CRAAASSHHH a volcanic tail whip is just missed by a rapidly breaking Nyoominator. She's fast, she's angry, but Nyoominator is faster. She brakes, then rams hard into Volcanosaurus, striking a blow that's met with an incensed howl of rage, with Volcanosaurus erupting, a crack of explosion preceding its LEGENDARY VOLCANO ATTACK raining down lava on the Arena floor, molten rock landing on Nyoominator and searing through its shiny metal surface.
The lava also lands on the crowd, and the cheers of joy turn to screams of terror. Unfiltered's voice blares out across the Arena, but the words, “This is NOT allowed, someone get that thing under control! Where is CINDER?” are lost as panic takes over. The Nyoominator comes round for another strike, prepared to dodge Volcanosaurus's punches with style, but Volcanosaurus's wrath is no longer aimed at its opponent. Smoke billows out of it, with lava splashing around. It roars again, and lava and fire screams from its maw, peppering the stands. Spectators are running, screaming, getting the hell out of the way, and then-
CRRRRAAAASSSSHHHHH
The legendary volcano punch of Volcanosaurus smashes into the Arena wall - a wall weakened by slashes and headbutts - and there's a deathly silence that echoes out as the great rocky lizard's fist is embedded in the wall.
And then the wall starts to crumble. The stands, the seats, begin caving in. Nobody is cheering now and the silence is broken by the screams of fans desperately clawing their way out. Unfiltered's voice bellows out, but it's cut off by the sound of Junior Executive Ironhide's voice even more amplified shouting, “DON'T JUST STAND THERE YOU IDIOTS, ANAESTHETISE THAT THING NOW.”
Amidst the commotion, the crack team of Network technicians fan out onto the Arena floor, open a crate, and then… well, it's news all over Bastion the next day, but very few would have been close enough to see it: the crate's empty. No Anaesthetic.
The technicians panic, and get the fuck out. Sprocket calls for them to grab Nyoominator, and the partially melted motorbike is taken out of the Arena as more Network technicians run in with chains, but it's far too late: Volcanosaurus punches the Arena wall once more and it collapses, leaving an enormous hole to the outside world. Seeing opportunity, is crashes through the Arena wall and out through it into the city. The screams continue, echoing out. More roars, more crashing devastation, as it continues to walk out, heading out of the city leaving a trail of destruction in its wake as it heads in the direction of the Wasteland.
Maintenance Branch of the Network very quickly call for calm, and between them and Maintenance Branch, the Arena is evacuated. Nyoominator is later pronounced victorious due to Volcanosaurus's disqualification by leaving the Arena. Thousands are injured. What happens now will be discussed at the third League Conference, but the game will almost certainly continue…
