The following is presented as an accurate account of the Season XXXVI Grand Championship Final, pieced together from numerous eye-witness accounts and reports. Published in Blaze - Season 36, Issue 9.
On the horizon of Bastion a great beast approached. With every step the ground shook as the creature identified by Quake as a Size 5 quadrupedal chalky grey Monster made its way slowly toward the city. The Champions prepared for the fight, with the beleaguered Junior Executive Trend desperately confirming the final rules, but while they prepared, an endeavour to turn away the beast, named lovingly by Grand Championship fans as “Chalky”, begun.
Gintrap, of Ultimate Ventures, and Angler, Gladiator-turned-Monster made preparations to attempt to commune with the beast, visiting Dr Frost who released the Monster, Black Diamond, to the two of them. They prepared to head out, planning on using Black Diamond as a conduit to talk to the Monster. Gintrap reported that Black Diamond was most interested in her, not just for being a human, but for her friendship with Angler. Concerned, but not deterred, they set out on the trek into the Wasteland.
Little did they know, though, that another Monster Trainer had already set out to meet with the Monster. Riding on her majestic porcine steed, Square Peg travelled out with the pig and the rescued Monster Indestructosphere in order to meet Chalky and to perhaps tame it. Upon arriving, Square Peg was faced with the sheer enormity of the Monster. Four times larger than METROVORE, Square Peg became like a small dot compared to the enormous dinosaur-like creature. Its enormous, almond-shaped eyes were ten time larger than the mighty pig, Pork Scratchings, but Square Peg stepped off her steed, and made her voice heard.
The enormous creature kept moving, and Square Peg shouted. Her arms held up, she desperately tried to gain the attention of the Monster, but its eyes were fixed ahead, until she picked up a rock from the ground and threw it at the creature, landing it right on the slit-like nostrils. Slowly, its enormous eyes roved down to locate the source of the nuisance, and there they rested upon Square Peg. She held her arms out, and she called out, using techniques she would later confirm she worked out on the Monster she called “Longbow Jr.” She made herself non-threatening, and called out to it, using calming words, reaching out to understand the Monster, so that she could know what it wanted.
With horror she came to understand what the Monster wanted: it was hungry. Hungry for a feast the size of Bastion. She started to backtrack, realising she couldn't abate the Monster's hunger, but at that point, an enormous foot, the size of a large building, came crashing down on Square Peg, stamping her into the ground.
But she was still alive - at the last moment, Square Peg threw herself to the ground, just in time for the giant foot of Chalky to come into contact not with Square Peg but with Indestructosphere. Flashing red with anger and alarm, Indestructosphere held strong, keeping the gigantic foot of Chalky off the floor just high enough for Square Peg to survive, but the force carving out a round hole in the ground where Square Peg was stuck. With a mighty squeal, Pork Scratchings fled into the Wasteland, seeking help.
The help Pork Scratchings found came in the form of that other expedition to turn away Chalky: Gintrap, Angler and Black Diamond were reportedly very confused at first by the presence of Pork Scratchings, but quickly the Monster Trainers realised that it had come to seek help. The three of them rode atop Pork Scratchings and it took them straight to Chalky, where they found Square Peg pinned down, with Chalky slowly making its way forward.
Angler leapt from Pork Scratchings, trident in hand, and started fighting the giant foot pinning Square Peg down. Pained from Angler's Gladiatorial strength, Chalky flinched its foot back, giving Square Peg time to clamber out of the hole, and roll Indestructosphere - cracked from the sheer pressure applied to it - after her. She hopped on the back of Pork Scratchings, and Angler urged her to get away from here.
Gintrap, meanwhile, launched a grappling hook to the top of the dusty grey surface of Chalky. The surface of its skin, pockmarked with small craters, and slightly glowing with an unearthly light, was scaled by the Ultimate Ventures Monster Hunter with skill, and soon Gintrap was on top. Chalky, previously distracted by Angler's fight with its foot, became aware of there being something on top of it, its eyes rolling upward to try to work out what was on it. Its craters starting to shake with force to throw Gintrap, and out of them exploded molten, shining white, balls of rock. Gintrap dodged, left and right, and then summoned Black Diamond to the top of Chalky, where she touched both Chalky and Black Diamond at the same time.
There was a brief moment of silence, before a shout from both Gintrap and Angler at the same time: “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T DO MONSTERS?”
Chalky, enraged by the presence of Black Diamond on top of it, started vibrating, and the surface of its back suddenly spouted razor sharp ridges, trying to impale Gintrap. Gintrap desperately grabbed Black Diamond, and then vanished. What happened to Gintrap next is difficult to get a full account of, but Gintrap reports being chased around a horrifying Forest, being introduced to a gigantic eye in the sky, and being interrogated about her deepest seated personality, her fears, her secrets, her friendships, her desires: all before half an hour later reappearing in the middle of the Wasteland, with Chalky having advanced.
Spent, and with Black Diamond having failed them (Angler later reported that Black Diamond didn't perceive itself has having failed), Gintrap, Angler, and Square Peg started the rapid trip back to Bastion on the back of Pork Scratchings. Chalky still advanced, but now they had an idea of what they were up against.
Meanwhile, in Bastion, preparations were underway for the fight. Each of the Champions were preparing their own Monsters for the fight, and working together to work out the best strategies and convincing Monsters of the best battle tactics. One Champion, however, was taking Bastion by storm with a targeted advertising campaign headed by Noggin'. Knives For Dark Steel became the collective name for two campaigns both run by the legendary Rules Lawyer: Feed your knives to Dark Steel (targeted at fans to encourage them to provide Dark Steel with knives to help their favourite) and Throw your knives at Dark Steel (targeted at Dark Steel's haters to give them the opportunity to enact their rage). Both campaigns were hugely successful, and the buy-out of every piece of cutlery from Maximum Taste's Monster House helped to provide a significantly large number of knives, forks and spoons to the cause.
What was this cause? Dashboard, of Dashboard Mechanics, was able to explain best: producing enough knives to fill 62 pits of knives, which Dashboard would then encourage Dark Steel to absorb into himself in order to help him to grow to a titanic size. Simultaneously, Dashboard was responsible for one of the most efficient arms production effort and disarmament effort ever seen in Bastion. The genius mechanic produced more knives than have perhaps ever been seen in one location, and with the task complete, Dark Steel was led by Dashboard's sibling, Arch, to start the absorption process.
Arch, concerned with the treatment of Dark Steel by Blade, was kind to Dark Steel, and reportedly attempted to convince Dark Steel of its own independence and that it could do what it wanted. Arch apparently tried to persuade Dark Steel to walk off into the Wasteland and be a free forbidding Monster of doom, but reports from Dashboard suggest that when Arch really connected with Dark Steel they were astonished, and frightened, by what they found. Dark Steel was already independent. As Arch tried to connect with what Dark Steel wanted more and more, they found that Dark Steel truly wanted this, and as knife after knife was absorbed by the dark monstrosity, and as it grew foot after foot, breaching finally the height of Longbow Jr, at a mighty Titanic size, Arch finally understood: Dark Steel - this Titanic, Acute, Fleet, Inevitable, Omnipotent Monster - was not being mistreated to go through all this, to become a destroyer. It wanted this. Dark Steel was happy, and as the last knife was absorbed into it, Arch realised that now, finally, Dark Steel was complete.
When later asked if Arch could do anything for Dark Steel, they simply replied, slightly wide eyed, “Only Dark Steel can help Dark Steel now…”
With Chalky advancing ever closer, the remnants of Creative Branch headed by Trend started to gather fans and experts at the Eastern edge of Bastion, where a mighty series of stands had been constructed by Trend. The Champions began to line up with their Monsters, with their final last minute modifications and plans being prepared.
The four members of Heavy Metal and Team Legit all stood in matching black costumes, which looked striking by themselves constructed by {ASTER DIS}, and the rest of the Champions made an effort to stand in their own fashions, including Southpaw in her full Leda Atomica style.
Malbec has final discussions with Earth Shakes (or Renege) before she disappeared off into the Wasteland on her flying Monster. Omega is revving and checking the engine on her hoverbike, with Tatters by her side. Saffron brushed Pepper's fur affectionately while talking her through battle plans. Pennythrift Steeple had a touching final few words with THE TENT before it slid off into the Wasteland, supported by the Rollerpedes before it vanished into invisibility. Team Legit and Heavy Metal continued to discuss strategy.
The gigantic Monster continued to approach, but amidst the final preparations, one very loud voice was heard, as Quake, of Ultimate Ventures, pushed his way through to all of the Champions, and to all the Network employees still available, handing them each copies of a large parcel labelled, ULTIMATE RISK ASSESSMENT: SEASON XXXVI FINAL. Quake loudly informed everyone that they have conducted a full and complete risk assessment of the risks involved in fighting this gigantic Monster in the Wasteland, and identified all the potential things that could cause a catastrophic amount of damage to Bastion, and how that will be mitigated.
Since nobody wants to go into a fight unaware of the risks, Quake's risk assessment is read in full by each of the Champions, as well as each of the judges. Quake was incredibly thorough, covering:
The list went on, but by the time everyone read it they all felt more confident that they knew what they were getting into, and that someone was thinking about this.
Chalky continued to approach, and the match's start drew near. The Monsters lined up: MechaGraviton - the steely floating dragon; Dark Steel - the titanic unfeeling sharp edged Monster of knives; Pepper - the vicious, speedy fluffy weasel-like Monster; Shrapnel - the group of adorable tiny robots; THE TENT - disappeared into camouflage in the Wasteland; MonoChrome - the enormous sheep; Longbow - the enormous beaked lumbering creature, matching Dark Steel on size; Omega - that harbinger of death; and Southpaw - the lead singer with amps on her hands.
The crowd started to hush, the silence only broken by the steady thundering of Chalky's approach, and then Archaeotech speakers around the stands crackled into life.
“GOOD EVENING, BASTION: ARE YOU READY FOR THE MATCH OF YOUR LIFE TIME?!”
“Good evening, Bastion,” came the ubiquitous voice of Decibel, their beloved voice the only pick anyone would want for this momentous fight, “You all know how much of an absolute treat we have for you at the end of what has been a phenomenal Season 36 of Ultimate Monster Battle Arena. Nine Champions, count them, Nine - well you can't count Nine because THE TENT is currently hiding, a wise move I'd say, given the approach of the CHAMPIONSHIP MONSTER, which we're going to affectionately call 'Chalky' - getting the early advantage is something that may pay dividends, and something that the Umpires have confirmed they are content with. And speaking of the Umpires, let's introduce them!
“We have two suites of judges for you in an extraordinary first: we have a series of Monsterology Experts ready to attribute points values for the pieces of Chalky that our champions successfully kill, and then we have a panel of Umpires here to make sure the rules of the Arena are still maintained - we might be outside the walls, but we're still in the Arena in spirit, don't you think?
“So! Our judges: first we have someone you know and love as Team Slime trainer extraordinnaire - keeper of Green Genie, it's of course Cyclops. Cyclops's Monsterology expertise is something else, I assure you, and they're ready to apply their Monster healing knowledge to the very important task of Monster dismemberment for your entertainment today. But it'll be our champions dealing the amputations today!
“Next we have another Monsterology expert you'll also know from the Doubles Tournament, but if you've been to any of the Beetle Circus half time shows there's no doubt you'll recognise Morose Progress! Having recently compiled a full Monsterology catalogue, Morose Progress is in prime position to award those all important points for Monster parts, knowing how important a limb or an antennae is to the Monster as a whole. After a tearful reunion with business partner Pennythrift Steeple, it's touching that Morose Progress gets to judge the match that could make his partner's Monster Training career! And as a bonus treat, I'm informed that Rollerpedes will be right in the heart of the action to report back every slice and slash that's worth points to our judges.”
“Then we have an expert here to keep an eye on the technological. We have very little idea what Chalky is, or what tricks it might have up its sleeves, so we have brought in a true expert on Archaeotechnology: Paradigm! Paradigm himself is up on the wall, manning the Giant Weapons Platform in the case that something gets a tiny bit too close, but his eyes are keen and he's ready to award points for technological recoveries!”
“And finally we have Trend, Junior Executive of Creative Branch, and the reason we're all out here: Trend will be the final arbiter in points awarding, and keep everything fair and exciting for this unique Grand Championship final. And then we have our Umpires: all Arena aficionados, they'll keep everything fair and square, they are Mangle, The Howl, Sway, Ceria, and Spirit Level!
“Now, with everything ready, we do have a treat for you in that Sprocket, trainer of the Nyoominator and Giant Block of Wood, has fixed up for us a set of Archaeotech communicators, so today not only will we be able to see the action, we'll be able to hear exactly what the trainers are saying. I'm excited for this chatter, and I'm sure you are too. So, with Chalky bearing down on us, and while the sun is still high in the sky, for the final time this Season: LET. BATTLE. COMMENCE!!!!”
As soon as the battle began, Omega kicked her hoverbike into gear. The bright lights on it flared into life, and with Tatters holding onto Omega, the two zoomed out into the Wasteland at high speed. The other Champions were left in shock, and even Decibel wasn't expecting this!
“That's a… bold move by Omega - it looks like she's planning on taking on Chalky all by herself! I hope Tatters knows what she's getting in for because this could get ugly! I certainly hope there's no plan that involves bait going on, because that's certainly not the foundation for a healthy relationship!”
The hoverbike left a wake of dust and sand as Omega piloted it toward Chalky. She bore down on the gigantic quadruped, and with the wake of dust behind it, she caught the gigantic Monster's eye. Chalky lifted an enormous food to stamp on the irritating pest, but at the last moment, Omega swerved the hoverbike around and directed it off away from Chalky and into the Wasteland.
The radio chatter was immediate, “Omega? What are you doing?!” “Omega it's over there!” “Is Omega chickening out?” “Is that allowed?” “OMEGA COME BACK!” but Omega doesn't turn around. Through binoculars, spectators watched as she and Tatters drive away, determined to not be involved in this fight, except… something was wrong. The bike was shaking, veering left and right. Spectator eyes turned back to Chalky and fans were stunned to notice that Chalky had its eyes closed with a beam of pale rings is flowing from Chalky's head toward Omega. Without warning, Omega and Tatters hurled themselves off the bike, and rolled hard on the ground.
“Is… is Chalky doing something to Omega?” Decibel asked what everyone is wondering. Chalky's eyes opened again, and it kept moving forward, but there was still a floating series of rings of energy flowing between Chalky and Omega, “it is doing something to Omega? Monster control? Is this something that Chalky can do? Is this its secret power?!”
Decibel's commentary was cut off by shouting over Sprocket's radios. The sound of Tatters' voice, desperate. “Snap out of it, Omega!” Tatters shouted, “this isn't you! It's in your head, it's that Monster! It's … it's not you! You're not that Monster, you're Omega. You're you and you're in control of your head and you know that!”
Tatters's voice was cut off by a shout, the sounds of a struggle. Spectators were horrified to see Omega turning on Tatters, but then there was another shout from Tatters, this one strained, “FIGHT IT, OMEGA! I'm not seeing this get the better of you because I LOVE YOU.”
The small figure of Omega in the distance stopped moving. Her arms grew slack for a moment, and then Tatters embraced her. The blue rings floating from Chalky burst into nothingness, and Omega was herself again.
“I'm sorry,” Omega's voice was heard over the chatter, but what Tatters replied was lost. The final words heard from the pair of them were Tatters: “Let's get out of this shithole,” before the two were seen getting back on the hoverbike and flying away into the distance.
The crowd was momentarily speechless, before someone piped up close to Decibel, “If Omega doesn't come back, is the fight going on forever?” The Umpires immediately reported that if Omega didn't come back but Chalky died, the match would be over when Chalky died, and the crowd seems happy with this ruling.
The momentary stun from Omega's fleeing was indeed momentary, as the remaining Champion Monsters leapt into action. Well, half of them. Team Legit and Heavy Metal strolled at a leisurely pace toward Chalky, while MonoChrome and Pepper head out to get the measure of Chalky, joining THE TENT wherever it is.
“Now this is an interesting strategy from Heavy Metal and Team Legit,” noted Decibel, “normally waiting for the other Monsters to soften each other up during the Ultimate Survivor Championship is wise, and that looks like what they're doing here, but maybe they've forgotten that every piece of Chalky is worth points! Now Pepper has got the idea here, look at her go!”
The crowd indeed looked to see Pepper, a blur of white fur, streaking out toward Chalky. The gargantuan creature's eyes were too slow to keep up as Pepper ran up one of its front legs, her razor sharp claws leaving gouges in the Monster's rock-like skin, white glowing blood flowing out. Chalky shook its leg, trying to break it free of Pepper, but it was already behind as Pepper leapt onto its back.
“PEPPER!” came an amplified shout of Saffron's voice, “USE DEATHBALL! AND IMMOLATE!”
Her voice echoed across the Wasteland and Pepper complied, rolling up into a ball of razor sharp spikes and exploding into flames as she carved her way through Chalky's back, ripping up pieces of Monster that fell to the ground, with points being called out by Morose Progress and Cyclops, “1 point - chunk of flesh!”, “1 point - ridged defence gland”, “3 points - uber charged rock launcher!”, before-
“Ooooh, did you see that?” called out Decibel, as Chalky reared up in agony as its vestigal wings, visible now as its approach toward Bastion continued, were ripped off by Pepper, glowing white blood gushing as the wings fell to the ground, even more useless than they were before, “what a move from Pepper, slicing through Chalky's wings: that's got to be worth some good points. What do our judges say?”
“10 points!” shouted Cyclops, and Morose Progress nodded agreement.
“10 points for the wings!” Decibel repeated, “But now what is THAT on the ground?”
Eyes turned to the ground, where by the hind right leg of Chalky, the camouflage of THE TENT had been rumbled, but out of view of Chalky who was responding by launching white hot rocks from its armoured skin as THE TENT had its maw wrapped around the giant foot, attempting to swallow the entire thing.
“Is THE TENT attempting to swallow the entire Monster?!”
THE TENT was indeed attempting to swallow the entire Monster, but with the Monster being considerably larger than the malicious circus tent, it became stuck. A call out from Pennythrift Steeple had THE TENT change strategy though, and its vicious teeth carved into the flesh of Chalky, slicing through rocky skin, flesh and bone, scraping down the skin until it reached something it could cut off: an entire TOE.
The crowd went wild, and shortly a shout from Morose Progress declared, “15 points!”. “15?” disputed Cyclops, “Surely that's only 10.” “The wings were clearly vestigial, they're not as important as a toe.” “You don't need all your toes. 10!” “15!” “TREND?”
Trend declared a 13 point award to THE TENT for devouring a whole Chalky toe, and the battle continued. Team Legit and Heavy Metal still stayed back, and the audience started to notice MonoChrome hanging back too.
“It seems that the other Champions are satisfied to let Pepper and THE TENT wrack up all the early points,” remarked Decibel, “it's surprising, though maybe not for Southpaw who, as a Gladiator, is likely looking for an opportunity to shine where she won't get pummelled into the ground by Chalky. Just look at Chalky's response to Pepper: white hot rocks flying through the air, spikes smashing out of the ground trying to skewer her - she's having a tough time keeping moving, so imagine Southpaw getting in there. No, I'm expecting a late game move from Southpaw. MonoChrome we expected more from except- ahhh. That explains it.”
The crowds' eyes turned northward, where shadows were being cast by a number of flying Monsters, soaring through the sky. Malbec whooped with delight, spotting atop one of them, the figure of Renege, ready to help her bring the fight to Chalky. With aerial support, MonoChrome readied to fight, but then, with Pepper still eviscerating its back, and THE TENT sucking on its feet, Chalky made its next move - pale blue rings of light fly out from its head and hoop around the heads of the flying Monsters. They falter in their flights, and then their aim narrows in on Pepper, THE TENT, and Bastion…
“This is wrong!” came Malbec's voice over the Champion chatter, “those flying Monsters are here because of Renege - Earth Shakes, whatever you want to call her - but they're meant to be here to help MonoChrome get into Chalky's face- LOOK OUT PEPPER!”
“LOOK OUT PEPPER!” an echoed cry from Saffron joined Malbec's warning as two flying Monsters - mechanical beasts with giant rusting wings - swooped down from the sky, their own deadly claws aimed for Pepper. Pepper jumped, dodging out of the way of the first, but was hit by the second, knocking her off the edge of Chalky and plummeting to the ground. She righted herself in the air, and Saffron shouted, “SPIKE SPHERE, PEPPER!” Pepper complied, curling into a ball and smashing into the ground at speed, but unfurling to show herself unharmed. THE TENT, still attempting to consume the leg, had the two Monsters fly around for a second pass. The first THE TENT managed to catch with a hynpotic glare of its lamps, but the second slashed through its canvas, causing it to fall to the ground, giving up on consuming Chalky.
The rest of the flying Monsters, however, were making their way toward Bastion. Pepper and THE TENT were handling the two flying around Chalky, and the sound of bells ringing indicated Earth Shakes was regaining control of her own Monster, but ten Flying Monsters were soaring through the air toward the city, blue rings around their heads visibly demonstrating the control Chalky was exerting over them.
“Look out, Bastion!” called Decibel, as panic rippled through the crowd, but panic turned to cheering as the leader of the flying squadron was knocked out of the sky by a well placed giant laser shot from the giant weapons platform on the wall.
“That's one to Paradigm!” shouted Decibel, as a mottled green flying Monster with ten wings falls from the sky. Cyclops quickly added, “That doesn't count for any! No points for any of Earth Shakes's Monsters killed!” and none of the other Judges argued. The rest of the squadron approached - bug Monsters, helicopter Monsters, and a giant bubble, all making their way through. Paradigm fired again, but missed, but there was suddenly a deafening POP as Thorn, Thistle's ball of thorns and rage, launched one of its many wooden limbs through the bubble Monster, its thorns making easy work of the membrane.
The crowd cheered as Thorn launched itself into the sky, using its many arms to haul itself around, smashing and ripping at the flying Monsters. Three of them became distracted by Thorn alone, and a three on one fight worthy of the Arena broke out with bugs stinging, thorns flying, but the well-trained Thorn taking the fight.
“Good work, Thistle!” shouted Trend, and the crowd laughed as Thistle made an incredibly rude gesture to Trend. “I DON'T BELONG TO YOU! YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! I'M HERE BECAUSE I WANT TO BE!” she shouts, and a cheer of agreement ripples through the audience.
With five down, there were still five Monsters heading to Bastion. Another shot from Paradigm took out the sixth, but four started to bear down on the furthest out stands. There was screaming, but then the screaming was silenced as the crowd disappeared through a hole in the ground that appeared from nowhere. Seconds later, the crowd re-appeared, safely on the wall, teleported thanks to Cyclops instructing Todo List's famous Monster, Disjunct. With the crowd safely out of the way, the time was ripe for Blanket to enter the fray. The famed trainer of the giant sock, Hard As Nails, made his plan plain: to tame the Monsters with toys!
Blanket begun throwing toys into the advancing waves of flying Monsters. To start with, they paid no interest but as Blanket started picking targeted toys for targeted Monsters, their interest stopped being in tormenting the city, and started being playing with the toys. Through the power of playtime, the blue rings around the remaining (unmutilated) flying Monsters disappear and Blanket is gifted with four new flying Monsters.
The damage is severe, though, and the crowds fleeing from the stands were badly injured. Thankfully, just like before, Dr Frost is on hand: the doctor called out for Quake who made themselves responsible for directing the injured toward Dr Frost, and helping carry the seriously injured into Dr Frost's medical tent. Rapid first aid, and a bit of emergency surgery, kept the crowd moving, back into Bastion and out of harm's way.
With the flying Monster threat eliminated for now, eyes turned to Chalky, who was once again advancing. Earth Shakes was still having trouble with her Monster, and Pepper and THE TENT were being given the run-around by the flying Monsters. Eyes turned to Team Legit and Heavy Metal, but still Blade shook his head, “Not time yet,” he said over the chatter, but the chatter turned more concerned. Chalky was wounded, but not seriously, and it was getting closer to Bastion every minute.
Chatter flew around, people were afraid. Morose Progress turned to Quake, “According to your risk assessment, what is the probability of Bastion surviving if Chalky isn't delayed at this point?”
“Thirty percent,” Quake replied, solemnly over the chatter, and Morose Progress nodded, and turned to a trainer standing on the wall with four Monsters.
“Chaser? Let your half-time show commence!”
“What's this?” called out Decibel as from the wall bounds a pink bouncy Monster, Deathbreath, being ridden by Chaser, and accompanied by two tripedal robotic creatures with singular glowing eyes on the end of articulated arms, and the Maximum Taste attraction Disco Crab, “Chaser has entered the battlefield for a HALF TIME SHOW! What's she going to do? According to Morose Progress her plan is to calm down Chalky and maybe turn the battle - maybe even train Chalky afterwards, this could be exciting! Judges, if Chaser manages this, who will win on points?”
“Well, Decibel,” piped up Umpire Mangle, “it's hard to say whether Chalky being tamed and calmed down would be enough to end the battle.”
“Indeed,” joined Umpire Sway, “certainly at this point Pepper has the most points, but we have to consider all the factors.”
“All the factors?” asked Morose Progress, “if it stops moving then it's lost!”
“Those are Arena rules,” replied Umpire Spirit Level, “this isn't in the Arena, this is the Grand Championship and the Grand Championship rules do say kill.”
Disgruntlement and discontent rippled throughout the stands, with some small argument between Morose Progress, Trend and the Umpires that didn't make its way into the chatter. Decibel, meanwhile, directed the audience's attention to Chaser's entrance to the battle.
The presence of Disco Crab completely shifted the battle - lights danced in front of the audience's eyes, the beat of Disco Crab's tune pounded in the ears of every Monster and every Trainer, glitter exploded from its shell in a fabulous display of the power of disco magic: and Chalky was thrown off kilter. It was unsure of how to proceed, having perhaps never been exposed to Disco before, but Chaser and her Monsters - Deathbreath, Disco Crab, and the two tripeds, Blue Eye and Green Eye - were a well oiled machine and they danced to the rhythm of the crustacean, making their way up to Chalky.
Chalky looked distressed, and started attempting to fire white hot rocks out of its rocky pores, but failing to keep up with the beat it hurt itself in its confusion! Green Eye and Blue Eye scuttled around, running interference, while Chaser, having analysed the Monster's behaviour pattern in the fight, started getting Deathbreath to bounce. Bounce, bounce, higher and higher, bouncing until she was brought eye to eye with Chalky. Realising that she and her Monsters could be susceptible to Chalky's control powers, she closed her eyes, and held out her hands, “CHALK!” she shouted, “YOU ARE A VERY. VERY. VERY BAD MONSTER.”
Chalky made a moaning noise, and carried on moving.
“OI! NONE OF THAT!” she shouted, before cursing over the chatter, “it might not speak our language. Shit. HEY! GREEN EYE!”
Green Eye, the tripedal robot, scuttled over, and started displaying images on the top of its head to Chalky. Chalky watched, confused, and then with a blast of Deathbreath's miasma it finally, finally stopped moving. Chalky halted, standing still as Disco Crab's beat echoed out across the Wasteland.
untz untz untz untz
“That's… that's better,” said Chaser, taking deep breaths, “it's not so bad now is it. Is it?”
untz untz untz untz
“There, you're just a big lump aren't you.”
untz untz untz untz
Suddenly Square Peg's voice made it over the chatter, “Chaser! Chaser!”
“What?”
“It's hungry, we found out it's hungry. It's not going to stop, it's not-”
“We can feed it! I know a guy.”
“I'm not sure- CHASER LOOK OUT!”
Square Peg's warning came too late, as the audience noticed blue rings starting to float around Deathbreath, as Chalky assumed direct control. Chalky wasn't stopping, it was pretending, to buy time.
“Clever girl,” Chaser remarked, before the controlled Deathbreath bucked, and threw Chaser off her back at the top of her bounce. Chaser fell, screaming. Blue Eye scuttled out to catch her, too slow, but then-
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
The earth shook, and a visible shockwave rang out across the Wasteland as something audiologically fantastic slammed into the ground. The dust cleared to show Southpaw, lead singer of Leda Atomica, having slammed her augmented amplifier fist into the ground in a three point landing off the back of Disco Crab, catching Chaser before she hit the ground.
“IT'S SOUTHPAW!” shouted Decibel in delight, and she grinned. The lead singer of Leda Atomica checked Chaser was okay, but Chaser shoved her away, pointed at Deathbreath and shouted, “DON'T HURT DEATHBREATH - GET THEM OUT OF HERE!”
Southpaw didn't need telling twice, she pulled out her guitar and slammed a powerchord that shook the ground. Disco Crab looked up, its stalky eyes locking onto Southpaw, and paused its tune. It took a few beats, then followed Southpaw's lead - ROCK and DISCO synchronising in a battle soundtrack harmony of AWESOMENESS. Chalky didn't know what hit it as the POWER OF MUSIC slammed into its rocky legs, causing a distraction as Chaser grabbed hold of the bucking Deathbreath, mounting her pink blobby friend, wrapping her arms around its neck in a time honoured trainer hold, trying to calm it own.
Deathbreath bucked, but falling out of time with Southpaw's Co-crab-oration its movement falters, and Chaser manages to grab hold proper. Deathbreath shook, but Chaser called out for her friend, and her words got through. Chalky's control on Deathbreath shattered, and the Monsters were freed, but Chalky's giant foot started to descend - it looked like it was all over, and-
Chalky roared in agony, as swooping out of the sky came MonoChrome, the sheep being carried by Earth Shakes's flying Monster, finally under control thanks to the time bought by Chaser. MonoChrome had launched a full acidic venom attack into the eyes of Chalky, and the irritation and blindness caused by the demon-sheep's attack enraging it. Its timing still thrown out by Leda Crabtomica's final verse, it failed to launch hot rocks at MonoChrome, but its flailing around risked trampling the trainers, but Cyclops was on top of it.
“And with that timely portal from Disjunct,” calls out Decibel, “I think that's the end of our half-time show - unfortunately the Umpires are telling me that does disqualify Southpaw, but WHAT A SHOW. If that's Leda Atomica's final performance, it was one for the ages! And did you see Chaser nearly got it. That's incredible! MonoChrome is holding ground for now, tar burning the skin of Chalky - the judges are calling 11 points total for the eye burning - but Chalky's getting wise. Is now the time for Team Legit and Heavy Metal to enter the battlefield, Blade?”
Blade turns to the crowd, the team dressed in black giving a simple curt nod, “It's time. Let's end this.”
“RRAARAAAAAAAARRRRRGGHGHHHHHHH!!!!!!”
With a gutteral battle cry, Longbow Jr. charged into the fray, the titanic Monster barrelling headlong into Chalky, engaging the Monster in hand-to-hand (or beak-to-face) combat. Punches flew, and when Longbow was punted backward by a headbutt from Chalky it brought out a gigantic Mag-Bow and fired arrows into Chalky's flesh. Small rocky extrusions fell off (“2 points!”) and Chalky prioritised Longbow as a target.
Chalky launched a barrage of white hot molten rocks toward Longbow, but there was a shining flash across the air in front of it, and MechaGraviton hurtled past, deflecting the projectiles using its gravity powers back at Chalky. They splashed, harmlessly, on its surface, but MechaGraviton's flight wasn't designed to hurt Chalky with its own weapons: MechaGraviton flies past, planting grenades across the body of the creature, embedding them into the holes pocketed across its flesh, and in the gouges caused by Pepper and THE TENT.
Pepper, understanding a strategy when she sees one, assisted with running up and down Chalky, gouging more holes out at MechaGraviton flew back to resupply from a pile of explosives held by Longbow, but it was thwarted in midair by taking a full blast of hypnotic light from a stealthy THE TENT.
“Ouch!” called Decibel, “looks like THE TENT isn't willing to see other Monsters take the glory here! Pennythrift Steeple's Monster continues the tradition of the fight and the audience love it!”
MechaGraviton recovered on the ground as THE TENT approached, but THE TENT's own hypnotic stare was met by a sudden blast of adorableness from Shrapnel, and the two end up locked in a glare off, with seemingly no end until Chalky stamped the ground and sent them both flying.
MonoChrome flew past, continuing to spew venom at Chalky, as MechaGraviton restocked from Longbow as the great beast physically wrestled with Chalky's jaws, and flew past for a second bombing run. Well and truly prepared with explosives, Blade tipped Decibel off on the plan and the commentator gave an excited sound of approval.
“That's brilliant! Folks, I hope you are prepared for the ULTIMATE SPECIAL MOVE: Dark Steel and MechaGraviton, working together with Shrapnel and Longbow: THIS IS GOING TO BE EPIC!!!”
Blade nodded to Crash, and Crash called out to MechaGraviton who flew up into the sky, expectantly. Shrapnel broke off its stare from THE TENT, taking the blast of hypnosis to part of it, but running away to distract Chalky as Longbow grappled with it. All is set, and Decibel starts announcing.
“ULTIMATE MONSTER BATTLE ARENA FANS. WATCH WITH AMAZEMENT AS DARK STEEL BLOTS OUT THE SUN - BLADE PRESENTS: DARKNESS FALLS, REQUIEM OF- ah. Oh. Oh no. Dark Steel. Blade, shouldn't Dark Steel be doing the move… Blade? What's… what's it doing?”
The audience was confused, Dark Steel was standing still, motionless, and then it turned around. Blue rings floating around its head. The titanic, omnipotent Monster turning its deadly eyes on Bastion, then over the Champions. Then it raised its sword.
And GIGASLASHED.
Seven times.
Seven times Dark Steel's great blade rose and fell, light and reality bending around the sheer force of the infamous GIGASLASH that felled so many Monsters before. Each one directed at a different Champion. Longbow roared in agony as the strike slashed right across its back, causing it to fall to the ground in pain. Midnight shouted in horror as one of the four Shrapnels was simply ripped asunder, with sparks flying. THE TENT ripped in two, exposing the sponge within as the canvas loosely hung from the metal frame. MonoChrome screamed in anguish, turning into its full demon form to absorb the brunt of the imapct of the slash, but fell from the sky as Earth Shakes's Monster took the rest of the damage.
Pepper tried to dodge, but found the GIGASLASH just as fast as her, an explosion of white fur being all that was where she was, escaping with a close shave and sprinting as fast as she could back toward Saffron, disqualifying her, but keeping her safe.
MechaGraviton was the only one to deflect the damage: having trained with Dark Steel for months, he saw the attack coming and bent Gravity to launch himself out of the way, and to deflect the attack in another direction. As the only one up, MechaGraviton shot through the sky down toward Dark Steel, recognising this was no longer his friend, and launched a barrage of grenades to distract Dark Steel from Bastion. The grenades all struck true, but Dark Steel didn't appear to care. The rest of the Champions were lying bleeding, and the city was his target.
“THISTLE!” shouted Trend over the chatter, “CAN THORN STOP HIM?”
“FOR THE LAST TIME,” replied Thistle, angrily, “I'M NOT YOUR PUPPET! But yes.”
Thorn charged out from by the stands where it was defending the city. Paradigm laid down covering fire from the Giant Weapons Platform, causing Dark Steel some minor inconvenience alongside MechaGraviton's grenade storm, but it was encountering Thorn full on that stopped him in his tracks. Thorn vibrated with energy, tightening up into a ball and then exploding with fiery light in a searing beam of destruction aimed for Dark Steel's head, but Dark Steel countered by fixing the DARKEST GLARE on Thorn, an equal beam of darkness colliding in the air with Thorn's beam, and knocking both of them back with the force as they concentrated, their two beams pushing against one another, each one trying to find an edge. MechaGraviton continued to lay down fire on Dark Steel, but the titanic Monster stood resolute against the behemoth before him.
The other Champions started to recover, but already Chalky was working on controlling another. Longbow was starting to look dazed, and blue rings started to appear, but Shrapnel jumped up in front of Longbow's face before it could pull itself off the ground, and blasted Longbow with a caring glare from all of the remaining Shrapnels' eyes. Longbow was stunned, but half the Champions were no longer concerned with Chalky. Chalky advanced, a deep gutteral sound coming from its throat as it started glowing, and then with a ground-shaking rumble its mouth opened, a blindingly bright light gaining in intensity and ready to fire when-
“OH SKIES THAT WAS INCREDIBLE!” shouted Decibel, “THE TENT just… just launched itself INTO THE AIR using that sponge, AND it seems to have taken some sort of drug. It's… it's insatiable!”
THE TENT's maw, extended beyond what should be possible or comfortable for it, snapped shut around Chalky's mouth, its teeth piercing the stone-like skin, and clamping it shut. The power Chalky was building up exploded inside Chalky's mouth, and caused a thunderous sneeze of bright white power out of its pores, exploding in every direction, (“3 points!”)
Chalky, dazed, broke its control over Longbow. Longbow got to its feet, and guided by Shrapnels charged over to barrel into Dark Steel, breaking his concentration over the fight with Thorn and knocking him to the ground, pummeling the dark humanoid Monster with fists that cut on Dark Steel's bladed body, but he didn't seem to care. Another barrage of grenades from MechaGraviton stunned Dark Steel, but his stamina was too high.
“The vial!” shouted Blade over the chatter, “Dark Steel has a vial he was going to use, you need to get that and give it to him!”
“Who?” came the reply, but with a sonic boom shaking the ground, and the sound of six metal legs scuttling along the ground, the answer was given: Southpaw and Chaser re-entered the battlefield.
Angered, Dark Steel started to thrash against Longbow, eventually scoring a solid strike against the Monster pinning him to the ground. Longbow let go and the controlled Dark Steel got to his feet, swinging his sword in a controlled manner against MechaGraviton, but now eyes were looking out for Dark Steel's vial, and there it was: swinging freely by its waist.
Southpaw and Chaser ran into the battle, scouting out the best place to make their move. Everything moved so fast, with Heavy Metal in a fight to the death against each other, but Southpaw and Chaser's eyes were also fast, both having spent time training their own fast Monsters, and they saw an opening. Chaser shouted for Blue Eye, and Blue Eye vanished.
“Is this… a plan?” asked Decibel, and the crowd remained confused until Decibel shouted out, “AHA! That's genius! Blue Eye suddenly appears behind Dark Steel and KNOCKS THE VIAL LOOSE! Good work Blue Eye! Now just to get it to someone who can adminster it - will it be possible without opposable thumbs, who can tell?”
Getting the vial back wasn't trivial, as Blue Eye immediately fumbled catching the vial. Green Eye slid into the fray and knocked the vial back into the air, but fails to catch it too. Blue Eye ran forward, trying to catch it on its eye but ends up heading it, juggling it over to Green Eye. It bounced three times on Green Eye's legs before nearly falling to the floor as THE TENT was sent flying past by a roar of anguish from Chalky finally releasing it from its mouth.
Blue Eye tried to catch the vial, knocked it high into the air, then Green Eye jumped onto Blue Eye's back and is launched into the air, majestically wrapping its articulated arm around the vial, securing it and landing on the ground, before being shoved out of the way of a rogue Longbow lumbering through the fight by Blue Eye. Green Eye scuttled over to Blue Eye - damaged but okay! - and then at a whistle from Chaser ran over to the pair of them. Green Eye gave the vial to Chaser, who patted it twice on the head, then passed the vial to Southpaw, who with a sonic boom launched herself into the air. She shouted, “MECHAGRAVITON!” and the metal dragon turned around, swooped over and caught the vial as Southpaw tossed it toward it.
MechaGraviton loaded the vial into its grenade launchers, and fired. The vial shot through the air and embedded itself hard in Dark Steel's side. He staggered, then clutched his head, then the blue rings vanished, and the dark mist descended. Dark Steel's emotionless cold rage returned, and he stood, turning toward Chalky. He raised a hand to MechaGraviton, who slapped it with its wing, and the crowd cheered.
“HEAVY METAL IS BACK IN ACTION!” shouted Decibel with delight, “NOW FINISH IT!!!!”
“DARKNESS”
MechaGraviton flew up into the sky, high high above Chalky as the gargantuan rock Monster tried to track what's happening. Dark Steel stepped forward into the shadows and vanished.
“FALLS”
Dark Steel re-appeared, high in the sky, and unfurled an enormous black cape. MechaGraviton's gravity powers levitated it out, stretching it far and wide, the dark metallic material letting no light through. Dark Steel and MechaGraviton blot out the sun. The Monsters glowed in the darkness, like something never before seen: purple on Mechagraviton; pink on Shrapnel; green on Longbow; and nothing on Dark Steel except darkness. Dark Steel dropped.
“REQUIEM”
MechaGraviton pushed down on Dark Steel with the full force of all its gravity. Enraged, and infuriated, Dark Steel's anger pulses out through the artificial night, all of its blades directed downward, reality warping around Dark Steel as the GIGASLASH prepares.
“OF”
Blade-first, Dark Steel crashed through the neck of Chalky. Dust and white glowing blood flew everywhere, but it's not over.
“ANNIHILATION!!!!!!”
The audience's accounts of what happened next differ. Most agree that every explosive on the body detonated at once. Some people say Dark Steel just struck once. Others say Dark Steel struck a thousand times. Some say that they lived a thousand lifetimes watching Dark Steel's blades slice through Chalky's neck. And some say that they looked into Dark Steel's OMNISLASH and saw into infinity.
Whatever happened, everyone saw the great beast's body explode into bright glowing white light, and felt the ground shake as Chalky's gargantuan head was severed completely from its body, colliding with the ground minutes before the rest of Chalky's body realised it was dead, the aftershock shaking Bastion as Chalky's body finally fell, and ceased to be.
“DARK STEEL WINS-” Decibel began to announce as the only logical conclusion, except they were interrupted.
“EXCUSE ME,” shouted Morose Progress, “but didn't Dark Steel advance BACK toward Bastion. Isn't that against the rules?”
A lot of murmuring occurred amongst the Umpires. A lot. Several people report that they saw High Noon waving to the Umpires while they deliberated this. Others say they saw nothing and High Noon wasn't even there. The Umpire decision, though, came out as final: “Dark Steel was temporarily not Dark Steel, meaning that Dark Steel did not move back toward Bastion. Objection is overruled!”
And Decibel finished, with delight, the announcement, “THE GRAND CHAMPION OF SEASON THIRTY-SIX OF ULTIMATE MONSTER BATTLE ARENA: DAAAAARK STEEEEEL!!!!”
