So, I mean, wow.
Who would have thought after that last Conference's fiasco - where properties were going for a handful of Riel and hope, and even I yelled 'down with the Network!' about four times and didn't get immediately get flung in the Arena with Dark Steel - that Bastion would come back bigger and better than ever?
I just. I love this. All of it. We are doing so great, people - not just getting by, but THRIVING!
I've got a talk at 10, a fight at 12, dinner at Monster House, and then a date for Bunker night - and that's just a regular Tuesday! There's just so much ON at the moment, and I, for one, cannot wait to see where things go next.
We should overthrow our corporate overloads more often, clearly.
- Editorial by Wreath, Super Special Mega Awesome Stuff
“You heading down to the Bunker tonight? I'm in the mood for some cheesy music and overpriced drinks”
“Yeah, sure - you thinking Bunker Classic or that new one that just opened up in the Warrens?”
“Let's go for the new one - Classic is still being refitted after Cart put it into shelter mode for the UberDragon incident.”
- Overheard in Bastion
“Hey Chain, are you coming down to the fight club tonight? I hear the People's Champ herself is taking on all comers!”
“Damn straight. But I ain't fighting though, not this time.”
“What? But you're, like, one of the best! You've got an unbeaten record!”
“Yeah and I want it to stay that way. Also, I wanna keep my eardrums. No-one fights the People's Champ and comes out of that unscathed. The remember the last time, the guy was bleeding from literally everywhere in his face - ears, nose, the whole lot.”
“Yeah it's true. I hear she's gone half deaf herself, what with all that punching. But ain't that the case for all rock stars. I hear she was an amazing musician back in the day.”
“Still kicking ass and taking names though. She'd kick the crap out of me, unbeaten record or no.”
“Aww - come on though, the Championship belt's up for grabs. You aren't even going to give it a shot?”
“Well… maybe. Southpaw's gotta lose sometime. Might as well give it a crack. But you're buying drinks after, whichever way it goes. Damn you Footnote, that lawyer's silver tongue is gonna get me in trouble again.”
“Ha! Deal! I'll see you there. Oh - the password's changed again, if you hadn't heard.”
“What is it this time?”
“Rimera”
“Gotcha. See you there.”
–Conversation overheard in a back alley, behind the Hydroponics buildings
“Ma-ma-ma-maaa-ma-ma-ma-maaa-ma-ma-ma-MAAAAAX!”
“What are we going to do today, Mayor Max?”
“Well, Chef Curly Fries, we have a monsterload of delivery orders to get through over the weekend! I say we spend today making Big Max Burgers. What do you think, Bear-ger?”
“Grrrrrr.”
“Deliciously said, my friend!”
“Oh no! Look at this, Max! All of the Monster meat has vanished from the cabinets!”
“You're absolutely right, Curly Fries. This must be the work of… the Doughbandit.”
“Grrrrrrr.”
“Quite right, Bear-ger. We need to get that minced Monster meat back in time to host the Monster Housemates Weekend Bash! Onwards, team!”
– transcript of Monster House Arena advert, from The Ultimate Monster Business Compendium, by Affidavit
What account of Bastion's food businesses would be complete without a chapter on the unprecedently successful model that was, and still is, Monster House? A fast food sensation, Monster House has consistently managed to outstrip its competitors by catering to all: at times, a cheap, delicious purveyor of packaged food; at others, a gourmet dinner venue; at others, the ideal hosting space for concerts and special events where customers enjoy all the cultural enrichment and rich, rare Monster meat dishes that Bastion can provide. This flexibility accounts at least partially for its success - though, others contend that Maximum Taste would not be where he is today were it not also for his nigh-uncanny knack for advertising.
Whatever the secret, the fact remains that Monster House one of the biggest and most successful business franchises in the city's history - second only, perhaps, to the Network itself at the height of its power.
- From I’m Lovin’ It: Culinary Commercialism in Bastion, by Lobster
In the last years of the Network depression, anxiety and other mental ailments were rampant in all levels of Bastion society. However, thanks to the opening of the Nectar School of Psychotherapy by Doctor Frost there has been a revolution in the awareness of, and treatment of, mental health problems in Bastion.
A new generation of innovative psychic Monster based therapies have meant that for the first time in the city’s history there has been affordable treatment for mental health problems available.
Today Bastion citizens can enjoy a meditative retreat in Black Diamond’s peaceful Slenderverse, or confront their deepest darkest fears in a safe environment as they are revealed to them by the Monster Custard.
“After just five minutes of psychic therapy with Custard I now am no longer afraid of the dark and the only side effect is some mild difficulty perceiving verticality! Thanks Dr Frost!”
- Testimonial on the Nectar School of Psychotherapy brochure.
Few would have believed at the start of the final Season of UMBA how much Bastion would change. Certainly the Arena was always going to change, but this was the Season that Bastion started to change its mind about Monsters. At the start of the Season, fans were upset and outraged by the presence of what certain fans described as 'some shouty person outside the Arena with leaflets' calling on Arena matches to be ended because of cruelty to Monsters, but little did they know that that 'shouty person' was the founder of the Society for the Protection of Abused Monsters - an organisation now well known throughout Bastion: SPAM.
Square Peg's strongly held belief in Monsters was viewed first as a plague, but like all infections it grew, and as SPAM's viewpoints became more known, SPAM became bolder, and so did Square Peg until anyone in the street knew well of SPAM and had formed a very strong opinion one way or another.
SPAM, however, was not responsible for starting the city-wide Riots. That honour has to go to Pluck who, with the assistance of Bright and Sprocket, finally ignited the powderkeg of frustration that had been building up all Season by asking people to consider the simple idea that they could choose who they wanted to be and what they wanted to do.
Pluck's fans, once devoted to the many-headed Jaws of Defeat, started turning heads as they took to the streets asking people what they wanted - a question that many people simply hadn't considered to ask. And realising the answer wasn't what the Network wanted made people angry: Pluck sparked a revolultion of self-actualisation, and it hit the streets with force.
But as quickly as Pluck started it, Pluck ended it - the riots had destabilised the system but Pluck and their fans saw to the reconstruction of the city, with the ideal of “be who you want to be, how you want to be” at the heart of the reconstruction effort.
Which brings us to today - Pluck now runs a training school in what was the abandoned Mid-Season Mansion, and SPAM has grown beyond what anyone could have imagined at the start of Season 36 of UMBA: a force for good, and an iron will to stand up against cruelty. Both will go down in history for what they've done to change the city's minds.
– excerpt from Fight Ring to Phenomenon: A Cultural History of the Arena, by Coral
“WELCOME to the first edition of Pork Scratchings, the magazine for all you Monster lovers out there! Let me say first that Bastion is lucky, truly lucky, to have such a group of lovely and compassionate SPAM members.
In this issue, we have a short history of how we got this movement going. We also have some profiles of our top goals this year, including a summary of what exactly is wrong with Maximum Taste Monster House (like you needed telling!) and Beetle Circus, and in particular how we're going to keep a close eye on Pennythrift Steeple's training methods. Don't worry, though - it's not all negative, and in the first of our 'Success Stories' feature, we have a SPAM member enthusing on how she achieved better treatment for one of her neighbour's Monsters. That Monster went from well-bucket-hauling miserable beast of burden to a cosily-kept water-fetching-helper with a wonderfully soft and gentle yoke and daily massages - we're honoured to share in the joy you brought, AnonAnimalAdorer.
Super excitingly, we also have an exclusive interview with SQUARE PEG herself*.
…Although let's be honest there, she'll feature in basically every magazine - we love you, Square Peg <3 Much love to everyone involved - and it's super good news that we have enough financial success to finally get this thing off the ground!
– From Editorial of Pork Scratchings #1
