✎ news:super_special_mega_awesome_stuff:6 [UMBA]

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====== SSMAS Issue 466 ======

===== ALTERNATE FAN CHAMPIONSHIP =====

Ohhhh my skies. Best. Year. EVAAAAR. 

I mean, it was just drama from start to finish! I'd list the highlights, but EVERYTHING WAS A HIGHLIGHT. 

Seriously, like: 

  * Thistle taking on FRIGGING OMEGA in a FISTFIGHT - like how does that even WORK - and somehow IT WORKED (even if she kinda lost) (but like) (Omega)  
  * Omega getting pummelled by Monster after Monster and STILL staying up till all the, er, fire happened, just like she is crazy durable 
  * And while we're at it - THE FIRE! Pepper is the absolute CUTEST, oh my word! I am ALL ABOUT this new friendship with Nyoomie: did you see Pepper RIDING ON IT? 
  * And then Nyoomie EVOLVING and LEAVING THE STANDS and SPROCKET STILL CHEERING FOR SAFFRON OH MY GOSH 
  * But then, like, I haven't even mentioned the best part because TEAM LOOM, PEOPLE
  * TEAM. FREAKING. LOOM. 
  * Just. Holy smokes. 
  * Okay, so Hard as Nails and MonoChrome TEAM UP to defeat Pepper, and it's all heartwarming and beautiful and then suddenly Malbec is like TAKE THEM DOWN 
  * And MonoChrome goes WILD
  * And Hard as Nails goes WHUMPH
  * And the wall goes CRACK and then CRASH and then OH SHIT WE BROKE THE WAREHOUSE WITH A SOCK
  * And then Sprocket yanks Hard as Nails out of danger like some kind of HERO 
  * And then, out of the rubbles comes Arch for some reason? Looking majorly shady, with two Monsters I've never seen before
  * But more importantly - MONOCHROME, PEOPLE
  * AND MALBEC
  * ALTERNATE FAN CHAMPIONS AFTER RUTHLESSLY BETRAYING THEIR FORMER TEAMMATES AAAAAAH

===== MAXIMUM TASTE IS ANTI-LOVE =====

That's right, folks. You may know Max Taste for his delicious cooking and cleverly targeted ad campaigns, but WE know the truth. And the truth is? 

MONSTER HOUSE SUNK CRABGRISTLE. 

Crabgrass PROPOSED, people! And then Thistle said she was in love with TORNADO instead and they got into an awful row and I was literally sobbing and IT'S ALL MONSTER HOUSE'S FAULT. 

MAXIMUM TASTE DOESN'T BELIEVE IN LOVE, AND I HATE HIM. 

===== Trainer Tattoo: QUAKE FLASHES NEW INK =====
Watch carefully for Quake's new tattoo of their Monster, Blue Lagoon. This writer is swooning. Here's hoping we see more tattoos soon.

===== The Art of Failure =====

Hooo boy. Okay, so you know how {ASTER DIS} announced that Museum of Failure and [BAD STAR] said she'd contribute, and everyone knew it was some awesome mindgamey rivalry thing? 

Well, that one didn't pan out so well for [BAD STAR]. 

First off, the Museum itself? Awesome. I mean, kind of on the nose, but like, I dig it. Anyway, in comes [BAD STAR] with an exhibit which she proceeds to SET ON FIRE for some reason. And then, like, bursts into this incomprehensible coughing fit? And then {ASTER DIS} is like 'let me introduce you to the Museum's foremost exhibit of failure: [BAD STAR]', and it is like SUPER sad because I really thought [BAD STAR] would pull something out of her sleeve? Guess not! 

=====Curlicue's Corner: Bunker Party!=====

Hey everybody! Curlicue here, ready to document the social event of the //century//! 

I'm going to just come out and say it: //wow//. I had an absolute blast at Cart's bunker party! The decorations were //so// original, skirting that fine line between humour and bad taste in their references to our city's recent brush with ultimate destruction with elegance and poise. The company was charming, and the mood sublime: what more could one ask for from a night out? 

The drinks were to //die// for. And the music! So retro - so historical - and yet, so avant-garde! I was up half the night on the dance floor - and whilst admittedly, perhaps my choice of partner contributed in no small part to my enjoyment, the venue was //more// than enough on its own. 

Cannot //wait// to go back!  

=====Doughball attacks: COVERED IN JAM=====

The Monster still known as Doughball despite clearly being a doughnut, and now clearly a birthday cake, delighted us with its jam squirting attack.

This resulted in not just Gladiator/Monster Strike being covered in jam, but its Trainer Maximum Taste also ended up Covered. In. Jam.

SSMAS offers a reward to any reader who can tell us what flavour jam it is!
===== HUGE YAK MONSTER GALLOPS INTO ARENA STADIUM, TRAINER NOGGIN' RIDING IT =====


Seriously we are all over this right now. We never thought we'd find ourselves saying it but, wow, Murk was damn majestic charging into the entrance! Serious question time: Why don't other Trainers ride their Monsters to the fights? Has anyone ever seen Crash ride Mechagraviton? Ash Moon ride Titch? Ok, we'll forgive Tatters - we wouldn't want to ride either of her Monsters either!!! - but Malbec? Seriously? With a cute fluffy sheep? Are we right or what??

=====Being covered in jam: A NEW TREND?=====

Following the sticky antics of Strike and Maximum Taste, some fans have taken to smearing jam on themselves before matches, as a good luck sign for their favourite Monster.

We at SSMAS think that being covered in jam will not catch on.

Because you're covered. In. Goddamn. Jam.

===== Yarn Betraying Own Ideals =====

What is the point of saying you fight for the underdog when you keep only defending WINNERS? I mean, look at Yarn's track record here. Sure, they made a name for themselves helping Giant Block of Wood win their FIRST EVER match, but like. Look at who they're defending now! Team Legit? Mechagraviton??? These are people who don't need help! 

Looks like Yarn's sold out same as everyone else. 

=====South Stands Still Unlucky!=====
Rumours are still going round about the South Stands. Sure, nobody there died this round - as far as we're AWARE - but there's a reason the tickets are so cheap. Personally, we need at SSMAS will need  to see the prices lower than this, and some more safe rounds, before we'd stop recommending our readers to NOT TO THERE! Rumours this long-lasting are rarely wrong!

===== Saffron's New Look =====

Okay so there's only one thing anyone can say about Saffron's incredible new look and I will fight you if you disagree.

It's absolute 🔥🔥🔥.

(Also [BAD STAR] is a genius and I'll fight anyone who disagrees about that too)

=====Grooming Parlour doing business=====

Both famous Monsters of Team Legit have been seen getting their beauty fix at Mesh's parlour. Shrapnel is so cute already - we can't wait to see it's next appearance! So many swimsuit points. Mind you, can anything possibly make Longbow look good?

===== With Bulwark Dead, What Next? =====

The network favourite, Bulwark, was slain in the arena - so what does this mean for Network Choice?  I mean, we all know it's a load of rubbish anyway and no one really knows how the Network pick their favourite (but I bet they think //Riel// hard about it), but might this open up the field a little?  Or are they just going to throw in whatever monster Cam grabs next, since he seems to be in their good books still.

We have our own opinions - as always.  Any of our alternative fan favourites - even Dr. Petrol - ESPECIALLY DR PETROL - would make a great addition to the Grand Championship brackets.

===== The More That Things Change =====

The more they stay AWESOME!  We've seen a ton of evolutions this round - from Blue Lagoon's fluffy new form, to Nyoomie's got a sick new sidecar. Pepper is looking ever more peppy, and Doughball is looking more delicious than ever!  It's all change folks, and that's not even counting the rumours we're hearing about new monsters in the pens that are yet to come out into the arena - could some trainers be planning a last minute switcheroo to rocket up the ranks as we get to the final rounds?

===== VICTORY VIPER MISSING??? =====

My friend's cousin's best friend's girlfriend's other girlfriend's aunt's nephew's half-brother knows Zephyr and says Zephyr is furious because somebody stole Victory Viper.  Don't know if it's true though but WHO would do such a thing?
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