✎ news:off_the_record:2 [UMBA]

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====== Off the Record: Tight-Lipped Titanium ======

===== Item Eight =====
 What did I say about the issue of //Muttering Magnesium// I found? What did I say? Well, this week I found a copy of Secret Steel, ANNOTATED.  WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS.  Well maybe I am.  You might be but probably not.

For the record, those letters were nothing. No meaning. Nowt. Just a typographical errors, and anyone who says otherwise can't tell a cipher from a siphon.  What the fuck even is a QEPRSLR?  I dunno
 
The city is //crawling// with things you can use to burn this shit.  Use your heads or I'll have them.

-Ed
===== Item Zero =====

Well, last week, the NET would have us believe that a HUMAN defeated Bulwark.  We say: POPPYCOCK.  Which is Wastelander for BULLSHIT.

They want us to believe that that was a """""gladiator""""", play us for idiots, play us along on that storyline.  gladiators aren't real you're thinking of pigs.

But they've made one big mistake: they've let us see """"Maximus"""". More than a humanoid Monster. A very human-like humanoid Monster. Now, say it didn't have a knife attached to its hand (it's definitely part of the creature), and say it was wearing more clothes and just a little bit smarter: wouldn't that be convincing?

We've heard of Monsters smart enough to repeat words their owners teach them. Even Monsters that repeat words so well in their owner's voice that betrayal and infidelity are uncovered! Well, you see, that's what's going on here. EXACTLY whats going onhere

Omega is just a better-dressed Monster that repeats phrases. But that's all they are, and have you heard her? That explains her flat tone. 

So, readers, let's find out over the upcoming months: WHO IS OMEGA'S OWNER? 

I'll leave you with one further compelling question: is that black suit with the creepy white eyes actually //armour//, or is it really her SKIN?

(it's the skin)


=====Item Seven=====

One of our readers bought a gun from a normal-seeming dealer in a run-of-the-mill market, and found out THE HARD WAY((he was shooting NETCANS off a fence with mates and tried to use his new gun and looked like a total prat)) that it was made of, wait for it, WOOD. <del>WAIT SHIT WHAT IF IT'S ACTUALLY LEGIT THO AND IT'S PART OF GBOW??  I'M TELLING YOU IT'S ALL CONNECTED</del>

That's right, someone out there is taking bits of wood, covering them with metal, and making them look like guns. What's more, they charged the same price as for a regular gun. <del>3R APPARENTLY</del>

Is this just another dodgy salesperson out for quick cash? Or is this some scheme to make the citizens of Bastion think they're safe? <del>OR IS IT A NETUP</del>

Be on your guard.  Don't buy guns from licenced strangers.  Only buy guns from your friends.  <del>Or children.</del>
===== Item Zero =====

  - SO maybe that DONKEY mercenary - sorry, Murk - didn't eat the doughy glob that is the mascot of Monster House. Why would that be?? Murk eats ANYTHING in the Arena. We've seen that, now we're expected to see this and //not question it//? No, that's not me, that's not right at all. There's something more here. Clearly, the mascot is in league with the merc.
  - The Half Time Money Pit is a ruse. The real Archaeotech is being smuggled beneath your feet whilst we're hooked on watching. 
  - There's a new voice of the establishment in circulation. //Fangzine//, by the Trainer KHAOS, is one more publication designed to leech the money frown your wallet and suck the truth from your brain. Avoid that rag.
  - The Monster Egg trade has taken a turn for the nasty. Be on the lookout for eggs that are actually just steel balls... //Filled with poison!//

===== Item Nine =====

theyre sending goons to find us out nothings safe theyre everywhere they look everywhere nothing is safe anymore theyre closing the borders were stuck climb over the walls dig tunnels bastion isnt safe but its the only safe place we have they know about us they know were here and they want to keep us

use red lights to signal border guards

its not a code

itll just piss them off

unless theyre ONE OF THEM

they killed the professor theyll come for you next
===== Item Six =====

rueyffpemfbqeqkkjejktiuwumrqikbjikjyktjeenrkhkvesmqrrpmnbjimpejmwkpruyhkjqrepqskpgkfnumpngmqugkjrmgrnpbffabrqbxrypbefhbjbhthrbhewmqrepqwbffumveruebpdjeeqapkdej

//Someone has also annotated this copy://
<spoiler>
theyllrealisesoonenoughwhatsgoingonyouneedtomovefasttradingarenaworthymonstersforcoldhardcashcontactdrillbitsixtyrielminimumtimewasterswillhavetheirkneesbroken

60R for Monsters.  They're buying.

Drillbit.

Shouldn't be hard to find.
</spoiler>

===== Item Two =====

Look I'm Not Saying It's All Rigged But It's A Bit Suspicious Don't You Think
===== Item Two =====

Someone is compiling a list of very flammable Monsters. What do you think, readers? Is there anything out there more flammable than Footsie? Would Footsie burn better than MonoChrome? Would Slime Kitty and Blue Lagoon go up in an instant like oil, or resist super well like porridge? We just don't know. Yet.

===== Item Three =====

u\\
n\\
a\\
s\\
s\\
u\\
m\\
i\\
n\\
g\\
...

uhhh

shit.

3R to anyone who comes up with something for next

and isnt one of them
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