✎ news:blaze:6 [UMBA]

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====== BLAZE Season 36 Issue 6 ======

===== Doing Sentinel's Job For Them =====

Here at //Blaze// we're not quite sure what's going on with Sentinel right now - our inside source suggests there //might// be some teething problems with the new Vice Executive Diamond, or the fact that Max Entropy hasn't been picked as Junior Executive for Creative yet, but since they don't seem to be publishing their League analysis, //Blaze// will pick up the pieces.

Though Deathbreath (Chaser) maintains her dominance at the top of her Leagues, Mechagraviton (Crash) takes the top spot of Heavyweight and the membership of Alpha Division in each is all change.  Things are sure to get tense as both members of Heavy Metal are now in Alpha Division and the long climb up that Dozer and Wreckatar have faced is finally over with those Monsters finally in the Alpha Division of Heavyweight after months of work. Of course, Bulwark is now out of Heavyweight, due to Dark Steel's incredible and lethal performance, opening up more space for lower ranked Monsters.

Meanwhile in Lightweight, Pepper is once again knocked out of Alpha Division by some new contenders from Beta - THE TENT makes a return to the top, and fan favourite Rules Lawyer Noggin' arrive in Alpha with Murk.  Will we be seeing a guest appearance in Alpha from Yarn to challenge him?  Who can say?

And //did you see// that Heavy Metal vs Team Legit fight?  Wow!  Both teams clearly put their hearts and souls into that fight and it sure paid off, but it paid off just a tad more for Team Legit who now take the spot at the top of the Double Team League.

It's really still all to play for, and with only 2 rounds left before the Champions are picked, we're ready for the carnage that is sure to come as we reach the final stages of Season 36 of ULTIMATE MONSTER BATTLE ARENA.

{{ :shameless_advertising_1.png?400 |Why not try our new 'Stuffed Pepper' vegetarian option?}}

===== ULTIMATE SURVIVOR BATTLE THIS ROUND!!! =====

With Sentinel down, it's //also// our pleasure to remind all Monster Arena fans that the Ultimate Survivor battle is happening //this round//!  The highly popular (and highly dangerous) fight sees Monsters entered one by one into the Arena (order decided by Creative Branch) every minute to fight until ONLY ONE IS LEFT STANDING.  It's MAYHEM, it's CARNAGE, and we're excited to see if anyone can de-throne TOXTOR from their crown this time.

Remember: whoever wins Ultimate Survivor is entered into the Championship but //can't// win become Champion of any other type.  This is the first Champion title to be declared, as ever, and it's going to be one for the history books, I can tell: I envy whoever gets to write this!

===== Celebrity Columnist: Tornado... Of Tornado & The Storms! ===== 

Hello, hello, my friends! and we're gonna do this TOGETHER! Totes cheering you on, as the Championship enters its last half!  

Sooooo, let me mention something else. That impromptu show by **Leda Atomica**! That was something. I'm so honoured to have been part of the flash mob. **Southpaw** just, well, rocked it. What dedicated fans! We had a  f$@#ing great time. It's great to know there are other artists in this city that can be healthy challenges for my band!

Has anyone seen the new Circus shows? Beetle Circus had a special guest appearance: DOZER. Dozer even stayed awake for the show. Thank you to **Suture**, and congratulations on the new training.

There were some new moves, too. Not to spoil it, but those Rollerpedes bouncing on top of Dozed while Dozer emitted these convincing short-lived bellows that shook the little beetles everywhere! Wait that ruined it proofreader get rid of that bit. Anyway, the increased ticket prices are well worth it. I don't know if you can all afford them, I suppose, but parents, spend your paychecks or savings or whatever - THE TENT doesn't feature as heavily, so this should be a hit with the lamer sort of children who don't appreciate the art of nearly being devoured by homicidal camping surplus.

On the other hand, **Progress** and **Steeple**, despite using the same banner and decorated capes, really seem to be falling apart. Did you see the squabbling in their Doubles match? Sooo embarassing. Maybe they should go to **Nectar** for therapy? (Does Nectar still do therapy? Haven't heard much recently.) You might not have noticed if you were in one of the cheaper seats - it's my pleasure to bring you the news from the better seats that those recognised talents can afford - but they actually didn't realise they'd won, they were so caught up in arguing. Shame - all my best wishes to them for a speedy resolution, mwah!
===== Saffron and Sprocket Make Public Training Appearance =====

Well that's not something you see every day! **Pepper** and **The Nyoominator** training out in public, with Saffron putting them both through an endurance course. People who want an example of Trainers who know how to treat their fans - look no further than these two. We got to watch both monsters pushed to their absolute limits and beyond. **Saffron**'s just such an amazingly positive trainer and I for one really hope she ends up going for the title.

And the best part is that it was free! I even managed to get **Sprocket**'s autograph, it was incredible! I won't be washing that arm for a while. Zoom Zoom baby!

{{ ::ethics.png?400 |25% of our meat is hunted humanely}}
===== Monster House Continues To Be Deliciously Affordable and Entirely Ethical ===== 

Did you know that 100% of our Monster Meat is ethically sourced? Meanwhile, a widespread survey revealed that 75% of all Monster Meat brought to the restaurant had been gathered via hunting-free methods. 

Monster House: the kinder alternative. 

Try our new vegan Monster Rolls today! Or why not purchase a can of Brikquid? Containing neither animal, Monster nor plant content, you could say it's //better than vegan//. 

===== Junior Executive Election ===== 

//Blaze// looks forward to the Network finalising its choice of our newly established editor, Max Entropy, as the new Junior Executive for Creative.  Our sources say that Executive Branch is just finalising its decision.

{{ :shameless_advertising_2.png?400 |Try our new promotional Longburger!}}
===== Metrovourism ====

In a new phrase this week, tourism to Metrovore! This really took off recently. Ultimate Ventures created a new set of tours to the monster Monster itself. 

When Salt and Wound publicly came out against the idea of tours to Metrovore, it was huge boost to the marketing of Ultimate Ventures. From what BLAZE has heard, it was a successful series of trips. Sure, Nimrods were there, so presumably there were annoying shenanigans that they thought were funny, but we've heard that there were pleasant journeys with lunch included! Will these tours continue? There's still plenty of Metrovore left, even if they've taken lots of pieces away, in what some referred to as 'mining'.

Was it metal? Was it Archaeotech? Whatever it was, it'll be expensive. And this contributor would certainly go on another tour, if we can go //inside// the mined parts of Metrovore!

===== Monster House Issues Warning to Violent Protesters =====

> "I wish you would listen to me,” says the Max Taste lookalike, with a theatrical gesture of regret, “I wish it didn't have to come to this! Would that we citizens of Bastion, Monster House customers and SPAM members alike, could come together and live in harmony! But it seems that some people need to learn that there are consequences to their actions…”
>
> - Quote from Trend's theatrical performance "Shake It Off"
===== House Monsters ======
We're excited to announce (though we may be treading on the toes of Sentinel) that the Network has given a statement about an upcoming new House Monster! It's about time, in our opinion; we haven't seen a new one since Coggle, who debuted last Season. No word on the official name of this new Monster yet, but it has been revealed that it is a biological Monster, neither huge nor tiny, and it both offensive and defensive - due to being spiky! Hopefully the Network won't drag out the reveal, but we look forward to seeing it the next round. (And potentially, the subsequent retirement of Coggle. Gnosis, of course, continues to give excellent shows!)

{{ ::shameless_advertising_3.png?400 |30% of proceeds go toward making meat based products}}

===== Monster House Has New Mascot ===== 

From a fight affectionately dubbed "MAN VS DOUGHNUT" by fans, we saw the last of Max Taste's Monster House's house mascot, Doughball, in its Round and Chocolatey form as it evolved //again// into the brand new form of a Birthday Cake!  Still jammy, still adorable, this 16-year-old cake (from the number of candles) looks set to illuminate a bright upcoming future for a revamped Monster House (unless you believe the rumours that a loveless Max Taste is about to bring it down with an iron fist)
===== Brikquid Suffers Major Losses =====  

The original article //Blaze// was about to write about Brikquid was going to attempt to ignore the large ball slowly but surely sucking moisture out of everything near it around the edge of the city by the Brikquid plant, but there's no way to avoid it: //someone// at Brikquid has unleashed some sort of promotional Monster and it's slowly but surely causing a drought.  So long as it's kept away from the Hydroponics District we should be fine, but //somebody// should really look into that.

===== Monster House Launches New Special Offer ===== 

Looks like Monster House has gotten another fitting tribute to a sadly deceased Monster with Max Taste's range of "Doomatros Wings", produced as a tribute to the Epsilon/Delta Division Monster who sadly died during the last round.  Gastronomes are loving the taste, and critics say that Max Taste has done it again.

Doomatros wings are limited time only, much like the Volcanosaurus Steaks, so get them while they're hot!

{{ ::tasty.png?400 |Don't forget to bring in your completed MONSTEROPOLY boards to claim your prizes!}}
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