✎ news:blaze:3 [UMBA]

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====== BLAZE Season 36 Issue 3 ======

===== Sprocket Hailed as Successor to Cinder =====

Following the retrospectively heartbreaking fight in which Nyoominator teeeechnically defeated a distraught Volcanosaurus, a lot of people have been making noise about Sprocket being - for want of a better phrase - the new Cinder. And I mean, they've definitely got the same idealism and drive. But seriously people, Cinder hasn't been gone a week. This is an unhealthy form of collective fandom grieving, and I intend to have no part in it. 

One thing's for certain, though: someone's got to deal with Volcanosaurus on the loose. If it's Sprocket, so much the better. 

===== Omelette Disaster Spells Trouble for Monster House =====

Ever wondered what an omelette made from Monster Egg tastes like? Yeah, so did the rest of us. And we're still wondering. Apparently, some weird activist made off with the Egg before it ever touched the frying pan. Something to do with eating Monsters being dangerous and making you break out in hives? 

Yeah, I really don't know. Consensus seems to suggest that's bullshit, but some people are pretty insistent about it. 

===== Yarn Achieves the Impossible =====

This up-and-coming Rules Lawyer has done what Canon themselves could never do: actually secured a //win// for Giant Block of Wood. 

===== Volcanosaurus Is Still Out There =====

As sad as it is that Cinder's dead, it's dawned on a number of people that there is a very big and very well trained Grand Champion now up for grabs somewhere in the Wasteland...

===== Season XXXIII is Back On =====

OH YES loyal readers, you heard right: our source tells us that Salt & Wound discovered the two finalists from Season XXXIII //still fighting// three years on out in the desert!  You remember GROUNDSHAKER the enormous snake and OVERMINER the enormous burrowing mole and how they burrowed far into the ground during the match?  It's the //reason// we've got a lower bound on the Arena height now, but //that fight// started without it so it's //still going//!  We've simply //got// to see this ended: someone get GROUNDSHAKER and OVERMINER back in the Arena, and while you're at it find Two-Eyes and Drillbit and tell them the GAME IS BACK ON!

===== Celebrity Columnist: Tornado... Of Tornado & The Storms! ===== 

Hello citizens of Bastion! Hello my fans! Hello to each and every one of you! It's Tornado here... Of Tornado & The Storms! 

Firstly, a shout-out to my worthy, worthy opponents, **Thorn** and **KHAOS**! The battle was intense and the crowd went wild! 

Secondly, I'd like to share with you my favourite battle of the last round, TEAM CATFIGHT VERSUS HEAVY METAL! What a show! I was on the edge of my seat watching the special moves those Trainers have taught their Monsters. And the shack entrance for the kitties - just hilarious! Plus the lasers for them to chase. Such brainwaves on behalf of the designers! Thanks to **Bright and Pluck** for being such good sports.

My second favourite just has to be MonoChrome vs Victory Viper. **Malbec**, pulling off a victory against a Champion! Just fantastic. I didn't make the last fight - I mean, you all know what I'm saying when I say that a new Trainer with a sheep Monster hardly sounds exciting - so it was just a delight to see all the changes MonoChrome showed us throughout the battle. Malbec showing her family they can be proud of her there - she must be so surprised! Keep going!
 
The victory is especially important to **Thorn**, who hasn't developed many social skills and who is a big fan of mine, and I look after my fans! I'd like to take this opportunity to encourage you all to give her your time and attention at the upcoming Conference, so she can make some friends! I'm sure we all agree that a promising Trainer shouldn't be lonely. 

Finally, thank you to all my fans out there who have the patience to wait for the next shows while I take on this exciting, super new stage of my career - I do truly appreciate it and am glad to put on such awesome new entertainment for you all! Shout-out to the upcoming Trainers who haven't quite made it big yet, **Ash Moon, Noggin', Pluck, Suture** - fight that embarrassment and KEEP TRYING! Tornado xxx
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