SSMAS Issue 457

I CAN'T BELIEVE CINDER'S DEAD. SHE WAS MY ROLE MODEL. MY IDOL. I WANTED TO BE HER. AND NOW… NOW…

This isn't right, none of this is right. Sure Trainers die but not Cinder: she was made of FIRE and FURY and FABULOUSNESS and I… I just… I don't…

I need a minute.

Cinder Memorial Fight next week: let's make a mural on the wall when they rebuild it?

There is ONE sole consolation to all this awful: Cinder did not die in vain! It is pretty clear that Sprocket is set to inherit the crimson mantle of MOST AWESOME TRAINER EVER - like, as Cinder's successor or something. No, wait. HEIR TO CINDER. They are so approachable, and modest, and cute - just like Cinder was! (Sniff.) You can guarantee that they'll be out there fighting to honour her memory!

Waitasec. Holy crap. Wouldn't it be INCREDIBLE if Sprocket went to find Volcanosaurus? And, like, trained it in honour of Cinder?

BRB - OFF TO WRITE THAT FIC.

Steeple & Progress' Beetle Circus fell flat in their Doubles Match, with Progress' Rollerpedes literally falling through the Arena floor, and Steeple's THE TENT hesitating to gobble up its adorable little rival before being squished by a metal spider. We enjoyed their shows last month, but are they actually one-trick ponies… Monsters?

Ok, sure, let's cut a Trainer some slack for the first round. The Monsters're new, they're exciting, we like seeing fresh blood, all that. We accept some lack of Training finesse, right? That's what first rounds are for! Then the Trainers go away, and you know, fucking train, and the Monsters come back better than before because they've been trained, like Trainers do, and the Monsters fight better and are better behaved.

So why doesn't the *cough* Trainer *cough* Tatters get that? Has she bothered whipping The Hedgehog into shape at all? It didn't stop pounding Gigazaur, it injured the handlers again, and the bloodthirsty thing won't respond to anaesthetic, so it really needs to be trained.

Plus, SUPER SPECIAL MEGA AWESOME STUFF has the EXCLUSIVE NEWS that The Hedgehog screeched all night after its match! Several residents of the Competitor's Village are still reporting tinnitus.

So, question: who was present for the BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT OF THE SEASON? And no, I'm not talking about Tornado's new haircut. I mean, of course, the whole non-starter of a Monster Egg Special Event back at the Monster House, where about a million people all clustered around to hear about Thistle's favourite type of cloud formation, only to be told like an HOUR IN that the Monster Egg had gone MISSING!

I mean, it begs the question: who's got it out for Max Taste? Or was this some kind of weird fake publicity stunt? Either way, there are a whole lot of pissed-off punters out there clamouring for the return of their hard-earned omelette investments. I, for one, cannot wait to see how this plays out.

So, first it's a giant fuck-off block, then it's a tiny cube, and now it's… sawdust? This is so confusing. I'm not even sure what to think.

All that Rules-Lawyering was HILARIOUS, though. Canon may be losing their touch, but it was worth it just to see Yarn GO, oh my skies. BRIKQUID ADVERTISEMENT. HAH.

UH, like, NO! This columnist for ONE says that the Circus is getting more exciting than ever, and somewhat less horrifying, too! Have you seen the posters? Have you seen the promotions? Have you seen the new lighting tricks? Get down there - the fun hasn't stopped yet!

No, not that Canon. You know what I'm talking about.

THAT SHOW.

For those of you who didn't catch Decibel's show - Block full-on PROPOSED to Tackle in the middle of an interview! Ring and all! Can you IMAGINE being Decibel in that moment?

I just feel so bad for Block! I cannot BELIEVE he didn't say yes! I mean, technically he didn't say NO either - he just, erm, picked up Block by the lapel and threw him bodily across the stage. But it sent a pretty clear message.

I am torn between celebrating and weeping. THIS HAS BEEN SUCH AN EMOTIONAL WEEK.

Who is in the pits? Who is the worst heel - accidentally? Who's the villain we actually don't love to hate? Who is so far down the HOT LIST that they've broken Amendment 1075?

1. TATTERS. SEE BELOW.
2. JUST TATTERS.
3. Also Blanket. Letting his Monster be upstaged by a weapon! We here at SSMAS expect him to be a laughing stock very soon if he lets himself be walked over like that again.

1. The Hedgehog. Again. Really. Ok, who wants to find this Trainer and tell her to do her damn job? You get paid, you live in the Competitors' Village, TRAIN THE THING. Meeting in Suchlike Square this Thursday - the editor knows some proactive citizens and enthusiastic spectators who want to demonstrate their strong feelings on this.
2. The Green Beast. How can you go downhill so quickly? Talk about a disappointment - nobody will be GREEN with ENVY for Night right now.
3. Footsie. See above. Hahahaha

We've been hearing that there's been an upswing in gossip about the latest up-and-coming Rules Lawyers. Yarn has exploded onto the scene and has been making waves, whilst Noggin''s speeches have us hanging on. Paying attention to the lawyering at the end of matches has not exactly been the thing, you know, but perhaps that's changing? Readers might have noticed that Noggin' also has a cute Monster, who hasn't been doing too badly in the Championships. We all know that a Rules Lawyer who's also a Trainer is shaking things up a bit.

So, is paying attention to Rules Lawyering a fad or is it here to stay? We'll see what they have planned yet - we anticipate that more of the audience will stay behind in future to catch the updates, rather than head straight for the entrance, bums off the seats as the commentator shouts the winner, in order to escape those pesky pesky queues!

Okay, hands up who thought going to the Wasteland and shoving fic in their face was a GOOD idea.

Come on. I know most of you did.

Well, it turns out, you were RIGHT! Ish. Rightish. I mean, SURE, they ran Khaos out of town and told him never to return on pain of death. But Curlicue says that [BAD STAR] was really diplomatic and cool and stuff, and that they seemed genuinely invested in the long Block/Tackle work-in-progress she read!

Sadly, for those of you waiting on some bonafide Wasteland beta readers to check out your Wasteland fics, you might, ah, still be waiting; Curlicue says they weren't too receptive to that.

Can I just say how much I LOVE THE TENT? It's big eyes, so bright and shiny, and how it sits there waiting, it's like me in the morning and then suddenly BAM it's on you like me when I smell coffee in the morning. And the stripes! And… it's just so MYSTERIOUS. Like, what's inside? I wanna know!

Wait, Omega and Angler actually BEAT Doomstorm??

Oh wow. That is. That. I don't think I actually know how to process that.

I hear they had to tranq Omega like a Monster.