Off The Record: Secret Steel

If you're reading this and you're still holding onto a copy of Reluctant Rust, BURN IT. If I find an unburned copy lying around Bastion like I did with Muttering Magnesium, I swear I'll find the owner and push their head the hard way up a METAL-INATOR a-

Oh, right, we're being “”“nice”“” to the “”“new readers”“”.

Whatever. I know what you're up to.

- Ed.

I bet 1000R on PROFS last season right and it got pounded into the ground by FUCKING LAVADEITY over there and NOW they say that LAVADEITY is going after SCREECH seems like a whole load of setup to have LAVADEITY ruin all the SCREECH fans lives and pockets.

Don't give them a single R - bet on LAVADEITY instead of SCREECH fuck the system fuck their noise fuck their everything and give me back my money

I've heard people saying that we need more categories for THEM. We've got METAL-INATORs, FLESH-THINGS, and YOU-KNOW-WHATs, and /some/ people are saying that that's not covering the lot. That they saw a GOOBLE BALL and that that “”“”“doesn't count”“”“” as a FLESH-THING.

You go and split it open and you know what it'll look like? A FLESH-THING. Also you'll be DEAD.

THREE CATEGORIES. End of.

Except the OTHER THING. That's its own Category.

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Scribbled over the top of your copy, someone has added:

THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN

THEY'RE AT IT AGAIN

IMPORT CONTROL???

VETTING WHAT WE FIND???

IT'S HAPPENING

THIS HAPPENED LAST TIME

YOU DON'T REMEMBER LAST TIME DO YOU

FIVE YEARS AGO

BUT THEN THEY DRUGGED US

DRUGGED US ALL

hide your stuff in your socks

Next issue will be T-I-G-H-T-L-I-P-P-E-D-T-I-T-A-N-I-U-M okay? Got it? Burn this after reading.

TOP PICKS FOR SEASON 300

IT'S SEASON 300. OPEN YOUR EYES, MECHASHEEPLE, IT'S NOT 36 IT'S BEEN GOING FOR SO MUCH LONGER. SO SO MUCH LONGER. ANYWAY.

TOP PICKS:

1. HIGH NOON and MIDNIGHT are gonna go far kids I've got a good feeling about Team Legit - they got smashed so hard in Season 999 that OF COURSE it's a Net-up, right? THEY'RE PLAYING MIND GAMES. Team Legit are gonna get a roll (but let's face it, after 999 they couldn't possibly do any WORSE AM I RIGHT?)
2. NOGGIN - monster's called Murk right - that's MERC YOU IDIOTS. MERC. PAID MERCENARY. THEY'RE PAID TO THROW THE MATCH. Why else would a Monster be so shitely trained to eat a fucking snack in the middle of it? IT'S A CONSPIRACY.
3. SUTURE and hahahaha no I'm kidding that Dozer monster literally falls asleep on rocks every match even the NET isn't that thick. the COMMONTATORS ON THE OTHER HAND.
4. SQUARE PEG. Thinks Monsters are “”“”“cute”“”“” and need “”“”“saving”“”“”? Plant.