Monsterology

“Welcome to the Academy. How can I help you today?”
- Archivist Quill, Ecology specialist.

Monsters. They're a basic fact of life for anyone living in or around Bastion. So, what exactly do we know about them?

Well, that's a good question. And there's plenty of folk dedicated to answering it. Set slightly away from the main Arena there are the buildings of what is referred to as the Academy. Though as a whole Monsters defy systematic investigation, researchers here study and teach the techniques of survival, personal combat, Monster hunting, archaeology, and other practical techniques. There are also archives which keep records of Arena Fights, past Trainers, and other pieces of esoterica, supported by the efforts of the most dedicated Arena buffs. Many of those who teach at the Academy are retired Monster Trainers passing on their knowledge to younger generations; it is considered an honour to be invited to teach after announcing retirement.

Here you'll find some of the basics you might learn on an Academy course.

Over the years, Monsterologists have created an extensive taxonomy of Monsters - multiple taxonomies, even. Monsters have been listed and classified by colour, by shape, by size - this is the most useful one, as it determines Championship division eligibility - and by a host of other things.

People have tried classifying them by whether they seem more like mammals, lizards, fish, birds, rocks, or plants, too, but every time someone thinks they've got a definitive system, something shows up that doesn't quite fit it.

That's the main thing we know about Monsters: there's a more or less infinite variety of them.

Pretty much anything. Don't ever get complacent around one, just in case it does something unexpected.

Monsters react to the world around them in a variety of ways – too varied to bother cataloguing. The one thing that we know for a fact affects the majority of Monsters that it has been tested on, biological or technological, is Xenon. Xenon is a fast-acting anaesthetic used by the Network to pacify surviving Monsters at the end of a fight. Its miraculous ability to knock out even the most tenacious Monster makes it quite literally priceless – it is impossible for Xenon to be bought, sold or won through legal channels, and the consequences for Xenon theft are dire.¹⁾

Xenon does have the slight downside of only being effective for around 30 seconds at a time, so people are encouraged to move quickly when extracting sleeping Monsters from the Arena. And since Monsters are never simple, some just don't respond very well to the stuff.

Pretty much anything. A lot of the best-known ones are big scary stompy things with spikes on, but something small and fluffy, like a rat but cuter? That could be a Monster too. Or a glowing cloud, or a ball of spikes.

One thing is pretty much for certain, Monsters can usually be classified into either “technological” or “biological”, though often biological is seen as a catch-all for anything that's simply “not technological”. If it's not made of metal and wires then chances are it's a bio-Monster. And if it doesn't seem to object too much to being interfaced with an assortment of Archaeotech, it's probably a tech-Monster.

We just don't know.

Obviously, not everything is a Monster. I'm not a Monster. You're not a Monster (probably). A dog is definitely not a Monster, under Amendment 9901. Unless it's a Monster that looks a lot like a dog…

There's one surefire way to tell if something's a Monster or not. Kill it.

You kill a Monster, a lot of it just disappears. Sometimes it'll leave an empty carapace, or shed horns, or leave sludgy remains that are an absolute pain to clean, but the internal structures? Poof. No-one's ever found a way to keep a whole Monster corpse around for long enough to study, and believe me, people have tried.

(The one good thing about biological Monsters going all sludgy after they die is that it becomes a lot easier to separate the vaguely fleshy bits from the pointy, inedible bits. Yes, people cook Monsters. Some of them even taste okay!)

And before you get any ideas, cutting them open while they're alive doesn't work too well, either. First off, that's a good way to get yourself mauled. Secondly, as much as the Monster healers would like to have something other than trial, error, and intuition to go on, Monsters are just too unique for even the broadest anatomical guide to be formed.

These things just defy classification… but that's what makes them so exciting!

The majority of the Monsters that have passed through the Arena have been, ultimately, of more or less similar power levels – if it's huge, maybe it compensates for that by being about as smart as a box of rocks (or, literally being a box of rocks). Even that's not a hard-and-fast rule, though. Every so often, the Arena will be introduced to a Monster that seems to play by a completely different set of rules, usually captured from the far reaches of the Wasteland where being exceptionally tough is required for survival. Even the most analytical, statistics-obsessed Fans are at a loss when it comes to these legendary Monsters – which, of course, makes them incredibly popular.

If you want to stay safe from Monsters, all you need to do is stay inside Bastion!

It's always been a haven from the Monsters that roam the Wasteland outside; with high walls, well-trained guards, and the best Monster Hunters the Arena can produce. If Monsters ever did attack, they'd be driven off easily - the only people who ever need to fight them are the Hunters who go out looking for fresh competitors for the Arena, and the Trainers and Gladiators that handle them in the Arena itself.

And that's what the Arena does. Hones the best of the best to handle anything a Monster's capable of.