“FANS OF THE ARENA,” booms out Yarn's voice from the commentator's box. “YOU WERE WOWED LAST TIME GIANT BLOCK OF WOOD SET OUR SPIRITS - AND LITERALLY, THE BATTLEGROUND - AFLAME. YOU WERE IN AWE WHEN YOU WITNESSED NYOOMINATOR SECURE A VICTORY AGAINST THE STRONGEST GRAND CHAMPION IN ARENA HISTORY. NOW, LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN BOTH ARE IN THE ARENA AT THE SAME TIME!”
A cavalcade of cheers and screams. The hype for this match is very real.
“SETTLE DOWN FOR THE MOST EXCITING MATCH OF THE SEASON, WHERE SPEED MEETS STASIS AND CELEBRITY MEETS CELEBRITY… THE NYOOMINATOR VERSUS THE INERTIANATOR!”
The floodlights settle over the Arena. Here, a series of ramps, jumps and half-pipes have been arranged in an intricate maze, darting over and under one another. The crowd look on in surprise: how can a giant (much less tiny?) square make the most of this setup?
The answer follows swiftly.
“FANS OF THE ARENA!” continues Yarn. “IF YOU THOUGHT LAST MATCH'S RADICAL MAKEOVER WAS A TURNING POINT FOR GIANT BLOCK OF WOOD, THEN WAIT TILL YOU SEE THIS ONE! INTRODUCING, THE INERTIANATOR… BUT NOT AS YOU KNOW HER!”
Lights fix on Canon, and on the space where their Monster ought to be. For a moment, there is silence, as the audience squint to see if they can catch a glimpse of what is presumably now a tiny cube. Then, in comes rolling - wait, rolling? - what can only be…
“I SUPPOSE, FOR THIS MATCH, WE CAN ONLY CALL HER GIANT SPHERE OF WOOD!”
The Inertionator is either much smaller, or, depending on your point of comparison, much larger. It is no longer the towering slab that was once wont to loom over the majority of Monsters in all its imposing grandeur. Nor, however, is it a tiny, figurine-sized cube. Rather, it is a moderately large, perfectly spherical ball of… well, actually the wood looks a little less solid than it once did. Balsa?
Regardless, Canon looks exceptionally pleased with themselves.
“AAAAND, LOOKING TO ENGAGE HER IN GORY BATTLE, WITH A GLAMOROUS NEW PAINT-JOB AND THE WEIGHT OF A CHAMPION'S LEGACY ON ITS TRAINER'S SHOULDERS… IS THE NYOOMINATOR!”
This, at least, perplexes the audience less. Everyone loves the Nyoominator. And at this point, they are willing to take the changes to Giant Block of Wood's aesthetic in their stride; it is clear that Canon has some kind of scheme, and invariably their schemes are highly entertaining.
“WHO WILL EMERGE AS VICTOR? WHO WILL COWER IN THE WAKE OF THEIR COMPETITOR? LET'S FIND OUT! BATTLE COMMENCE!”
As Giant Block of Wood goes rolling down the ramps, it becomes clear that this fight, at least, will be lasting for more than ten seconds. There is something glorious and oddly beautiful about watching the normally completely static Monster soar into the air, only to plunge down through a pipe tunnel and emerge the other side, then be launched into the air once more.
Meanwhile, the Nyoominator is in its element. It leaps, flips, shunts sideways to do a wheelie, and turns in the air only to land on another ramp, leaping and dodging with aplomb. The crowd seem amazed by the spectacle - to the point where they have virtually forgotten that no-one is fighting at all.
“LOOK AT THEM!” says Yarn. “DUCKING, DIVING - PARTICIPATING IN AN INTRICATE DANCE OF BATTLE!”
It can't stay like this, of course. Not only will the audience eventually tire, but Giant Block of Wood appears to be slowing. As it rolls up a steep ramp, it seems to lack to momentum to surmount it - liable to instead roll backwards and come to a halt at the Arena wall.
But then, just as it is about to plunge, something marvellous occurs.
One of the same portals from the last Giant Block of Wood fight opens up just above it. It swallows up the sphere, only to spit it out on the other side of the ramp, causing it to plummet with renewed momentum. The audience gasp and laugh, watching as Giant Block of Wood continues to roll in the 'dance', unimpeded. Every time it seems to be slowing, another portal will open before it and deposit it elsewhere.
“MASTERFUL USE OF THE, AHM, ARENA SCENERY,” declares Yarn. “SIMPLY MASTERFUL!”
The Nyoominator seems supremely unflustered by this. On the contrary, it seems to relish in the attention, veering tantalising close to Giant Block of Wood, and at one point diving straight past it midair. The whole thing truly does resemble an acrobatic dance.
“STARS ABOVE - A NEAR COLLISION!” declares Yarn, breathlessly. “THE NYOOMINATOR IS GAINING ON THE SPHERE!”
It's true - the two Monsters are soaring midair: Giant Block of Wood about the plummet again; the Nyoominator in swift, airborne pursuit.
Before they can meet, though, there is a vast crack of sound, and the Arena is suddenly flooded with smoke and light. The audience blink through dense mist, but can make out nothing but sparks of multicoloured fire that blossom out beautifully with every earsplitting pop and bang.
This spectacle of pyrotechnics lasts for a minute or so, washing the Arena with colour. Once the last drop of fire plunges into obscurity, nothing is left but slowly clearing smoke.
“I'M SEEING… A DARK SHAPE,” says Yarn, as the audience peer along with them. “DID NYOOMINATOR TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE SMOKESCREEN AND ATTACK? HAS THE INERTIANATOR FINALLY BEEN SLAUGHTERED?”
Mystified silence from the crowd.
“BUT NO - NO, THERE ARE TWO MONSTERS! THEY'RE… FACING ONE ANOTHER. THEY'RE VERY CLOSE, ACTUALLY. DO YOU SUPPOSE THIS IS SOME KIND OF STANDOFF?”
The Nyoominator and its opponent are indeed close to one another. Very close, in fact.
“THEY DON'T SEEM TO BE MOVING, THOUGH,” says Yarn, thoughtfully. “IN FACT, THE NYOOMINATOR LOOKS… DOCILE. GIANT BLOCK OF WOOD SEEMS CONTENT!”
Intrigued murmurs from the crowd.
“What are you doing?” yells Canon, theatrically, from the crowd. “Giant Block of Wood! Attack, like I told you! Attack, for the love of everything! Why won't you fight it?”
“NO… THIS ISN'T A STANDOFF,” continues Yarn. “I THINK - I THINK THEY MIGHT BE CUDDLING! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? FOR SOME REASON, THESE TWO ARE SNUGGLED TOGETHER!”
Gasps from the audience. Can it be? But it's true - the Nyoominator is nestled right up next to Giant Block of Wood in what looks like a remarkably friendly, almost loving manner.
“BUT WHY WOULD THEY BE CUDDLING?” asks Yarn. “WHAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD THEM TO -”
They break off. And as the thought appears to dawn on them, it seems to alight upon the rest of the audience as well.
“FANS OF THE ARENA,” says Yarn. “THE NYOOMINATOR AND THE INERTIANATOR MUST BE BEST FRIENDS. NO, MORE THAN THAT. WE'VE SEEN FRIENDLY MONSTERS FIGHT. THE ONLY POSSIBLE EXPLANATION - THE ONLY WAY WE CAN SQUARE THESE BIZARRE HAPPENINGS - IS THAT THESE TWO… MUST BE IN LOVE!”
There is silence, as the audience seem to consider the implications of this. And then… consider the implications in a little more detail. And then, having considered in detail, decide that it is much better not to dwell on the actual mechanics, and perhaps consider it only insofar as -
“I ship it,” says a lady with a feathered hat, quietly awed. Then, louder: “… I ship it!”
“We ship it too!” declares a man in a customised Disjunct T-shirt.
“Us too!”
“I ship it! Me!”
“We ship it!”
And so on, until virtually the entire Arena is of one mind, chanting with passion, and pride, and sheer love: “We ship it! We ship it!”
And, at the apogee of the chanting, a booming voice layers over the sound - it is Yarn, Yarn confirming: “FANS OF THE ARENA… I THINK I SHIP IT TOO!”
The chanting continues, and Yarn presses on.
“FOLKS, I THINK THE VERDICT OF THIS MATCH IS UNDENIABLE, AND I'M SURE OUR GOOD FRIEND THE UMPIRE WOULD AGREE. IT IS CLEAR THAT THIS FIGHT CAN ONLY BE RULED -”
There is a sudden blast of chilling wind.
Fans hold their sleeves against their eyes as a thick, textured cloud of smoke descends once more upon them. This is different to what came before - heavier, coarser - nothing like the decorative, breathable stuff from before -
Canon realises just before Yarn does. “It's -” they say, in disbelief.
“- SAWDUST?”
The Arena is indeed taken up by a swirling, writhing tornado of sawdust: messy, and impossibly large, and somehow wrathful, as if a vengeful spirit has suddenly decided to visit itself upon the fight. The partnered Monsters once more disappear, this time beneath the murk of something far more malevolent, something utterly unknown.
Fires still burn around the walls of the Arena. As the sawdust flies, it catches: at first, gently, but then with the terrifying crack of explosions that send the audience flying for cover beneath their seats. Once again the Arena blossoms with fire, but this time far uglier, and far less controlled - this time, a sudden, horrifying visitation -
And then, as suddenly as it had appeared, it leaves.
The last dregs of sawdust vanish on the wind.
The Nyoominator and the Inertionator appear, still in the same place as before. The Nyoominator is revealed to be more or less unharmed, its new paintwork intact. However, the Inertionator is badly burned on one side. Clearly, its embrace protected the Nyoominator from harm.
The umpire clears her throat, and speaks up. That, she says, was clearly The Inertianator.
“FANS OF THE ARENA,” says Yarn, “HOW CAN THAT CLOUD OF SAWDUST POSSIBLY BE THE INERTIANATOR?”
Because, says the umpire, you argued that this is precisely what it was. Last match.
“AH, WELL,” says Yarn, “THAT WAS AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT MATTER. FANS OF THE ARENA - DID NOT THE MATCH BEGIN WHEN TWO MONSTERS ENTERED THE ARENA? AND WERE THOSE TWO MONSTERS NOT THE NYOOMINATOR AND THE INERTIANATOR?” They gesture out towards the wheeled Monster. “AND IS NOT THIS MONSTER THE NYOOMINATOR?”
Resignedly, the umpire nods.
“WELL THEN. I THINK IT IS CLEAR THAT THE SECOND MONSTER IN THIS ARENA - THIS LARGE-ISH SPHERE OF, ERM, BALSA - IS NONE OTHER THAN GIANT BLOCK OF WOOD, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE INERTIANATOR! THAT SAWDUST CLOUD WAS AN INTERLOPER, AND ULTIMATELY IRRELEVANT TO ANY RULING THAT MIGHT BE MADE ON THIS MATCH. I PROPOSE WE CONTINUE, AND SEE IF EITHER MONSTER RECOVERS. IF NOT… WELL, IT'S RATHER UNPRECEDENTED, BUT CAN THIS MATCH BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A DRAW? AND REALLY, CONSIDERING THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THESE TWO MONSTERS, SHOULD THIS MATCH BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN A DRAW?”
The crowd cheers. The umpire puts her head in her hands.
The ruling stands.
As the two Monsters in the Arena lie motionless, the audience triumphantly count down from ten - and, as per Yarn's ruling, the results are given. The match is declared a draw.
Afterwards, Canon comes up to shake hands with Sprocket.
“I made a valiant effort,” Canon grins, “but I couldn't stand in the way of love.”
“Our Monsters are happy together!” laughs Sprocket. “I guess there are more important things than winning, huh?”