So, it'll come as a surprise to a grand total of no-one that the giant radioactive spiders in the abandoned facility to the West didn't stay behind the makeshift barricades last month's expedition party constructed, but have instead broken through the gates and are heading towards Bastion in search of live prey.
But, hey. It could be worse! UMBC Producer Smithereen held an emergency city meeting in the Bunker for prominent citizens of Bastion, and we've managed to hammer together a solid plan for what to do. There were a whole bunch of decent suggestions for how to get the Arena Competitors involved, and they're drafting a series of temporary Midseason Finale rules for the upcoming battle.
Then, some guy called Charcoal spoke up asking what AMBER could do to help, and folks, I swear to the skies, I think he was the last person in the city to realise that they haven't trained the AMBER Monsters to like, actually offensively fight and hurt each other for a good few DECADES. I almost hated to disillusion him. He was all, like, 'What about Eviscerobot? Can't we get Sergeant Fluff to fight, or Footsie? I bet Barberry will be good at crushing spiders!'
And I was biting my lip so hard, people, honestly. I didn't want to be the one to tell him! Neither, from the looks of it, did anyone else!
But then, out of the blue, something miraculous happened, and it turned out we didn't have to.
As we came out of the Bunker to start making reparations, a giant silouette blotted out the sun. As we looked up in horror, expecting spiders, we instead saw the shape… of a sock.
There was a name embroidered onto the mask that covered up its face, and showed only its angry, stitched-on eyes. That name was 'Hard as Nails'.
It launched itself past the city walls, and flopped mercilessly towards the enemy, smothering a nearby radioactive spider in its terrifying, sock-ey folds. And from then on, it was sheer carnage.
I did some research before completing this writeup, and, turns out? 'Hard as Nails' was a Competitor from, like, decades ago - back when the Network was in charge of Bastion! Did this historical hero come out of hiding purely in order to save the city?
It kinda looks like it might have done.
Brb, writing fic about the whole thing.
– From Super Special Mega Awesome Stuff
| TUESDAY, TUESDAY, TUESDAY DON'T MISS SEASON XLIX OF ULTIMATE MAXIMUM BATTLE CIRCUS RIGHT HERE IN BASTION LEGENDARY SKY-SOARING CHAMPION RETURNS TO BASTION FOR ONE FINAL FIGHT: OMEGA ISSUES A CHALLENGE! DEFENDING THE CITY, THE UNSTOPPABLE BRINGER OF DARKNESS HIMSELF: DARK STEEL PREPARES FOR BATTLE! AND OVERSEEING IT ALL AS YOUR GUIDE TO THE HEART-STOPPING HAVOC: LUMINARY COMMENTATOR DECIBEL RETURNS TO THE ARENA! UNMISSABLE ACTION – ONLY HERE AT THE ULTIMATE MAXIMUM BATTLE CIRCUS BE THERE, BE THERE, BE THERE |
| THIS WEDNESDAY BE PREPARED FOR DRAMA AND ACTION AT THE ALTERNATE MONSTER BATTLE EXPERIENCE RELOADED WILL THE EVIL SPOONZILLA BE TRUMPED BY THE RIGHTEOUS LARGE BALL OF POLYSTYRENE AND WHAT ABOUT THE INTRA-TEAM STRIFE BETWEEN POP PRAWN AND TULIP O' DOOM? ALL WILL BE REVEALED THIS WEDNESDAY YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS! |
Remember, there's a limited time offer on LOBSTEROCEROS BITES - buy 3 for the price of 2 at your local MAXIMUM TASTE MONSTER HOUSE!
– advert in BLAZE, Season 49 - Issue 2
Go forth, Bastion, in spectacle and splendour.
I am so proud of you.
– From Bastion: A Storybook by the artist formerly known as [BAD STAR]